The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
An addicition is an addiction, whether it be booze, drugs, gambling, smoking, etc etc. You can't change that but you can change you. You say you're lonely. Finding someone to talk to or an activity to keep you busy is a good place to start, even if it's only for a few minutes at a time. Small steps. Good luck to you.
Now is the time to work your program. I had a horrible time always sitting and waiting for him to be done with his "stuff" I became lonely and then isolated, complained all the time, and basically played the victim. Do something nice for yourself....paint your nails, take a bath, take a walk, call a friend, write poetry.....Hang in there
I know, it is hard though to have a relationship with someone who doesnt want to spend quality time with you.................maybe i should accept a date with someone else.....................decisions. I love my A though
We're all lonely when our A is active. When they're recovering we are still loneyly because they are busy focusing on them, as they should. I didn't realize until I started to recover, that one of the reasons I was lonely was because I had lost myself in his active life and recovery life. I forgot that I had stopped going out to dinner with friends. I knew at the time I was canceling on them, always making up excuses (especially when he was drinking) wether or not there was any truth to them or not. I started to lose myself in his disease.
Once I started to focus on me again, I refound a part of me that I stashed away. It felt so good to do for me, rather than him and not feel guilty about it. For someone like me who is fiercely independent, to make excuses for not doing the things I love was not like me. But when I turned that thinking around, and stopped feeling guilty, the weight that was lifted off my shoulders was huge.
There is nothing wrong with going out with your friends, male or female. I have many platonic male friends that my A knows. He oftens tells me to go out there with them, knowing that they will protect me like a sister. He called one of them several weeks ago and made him drag me out of the house!
The point is, don't lose yourself in his disease or his recovery. Focus on yours. Start doing the things you love. You'll feel so much better. Try volunteer work if your feeling a bit lonely. It won't take the place of your A, but it might fill the gap that seems to be there.
Yes, loving an A is frustrating to say the least. But it comes with the territory. I love my A very much, and for me it's worth the rollercoaster ride. Trust me that's saying something! I hate rollercoasters - real or otherwise.
Hang in there. You're doing just fine.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
All good advice here Violet.... take advantage of your "alone time", and do some things that you have been putting off.... for yourself! You'll be amazed at how good it can feel, and over time, you will be come less aware and needy of him to fulfill this loneliness..... As you get healthier, you will also see soooo many things more clearly - it is all good....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I just wanted to ditto everything that everyone else has already said in reply to your post. It will be up to you to set the boundaries in your relationship with your A, whether they be to stop the relationship, or to keep it going. Reading the posts from others really helps me. I see a process they go through over time and it helps me to know that I'll eventually get to the point that I can see clearer, like they do. It may take a long time - remember, it all didn't happen overnight! But I promise that you will start to see some light if you work the alanon program for YOURSELF, and let him work his, if he chooses to do so. You are so new at this, and it all is soooo scary, especially at first. It's still scary to me, but in a different way. I know that if I had to be on my own, not married to him, that I'd be okay. Hopefully, I won't have to make that decision, but if I do, I know I'll survive. That's the joy of alanon, you know you will survive!
That was wonderfully said. I get lost in my "a's" life--trying to help make things easy (althought I know I shouldn't), just excited when he says he wants me to do stuff with him (when he has the time, not necessarily when it is good for me). I have completely lost myself. That is why I started coming here. Hoping to find myself again--knowing if I don't I won't be any good to anyone!!
