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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Not Sure How to Handle Things Right Now
Post Info TOPIC: Not Sure How to Handle Things Right Now
Whisperine


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Not Sure How to Handle Things Right Now
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Here's my current and most pressing life dilemma--my dad. He's a "dry drunk," I believe is the term.

He's been "in recovery" for more than a year. He goes to countless meetings. But he has a mindset that this is all mean to hasten his recovery and make him better faster. I have only been to one Al-Anon meeting and I already know that it doesn't work that way for anyone.

It's not that he hasn't made strides. It's easier to talk openly and honestly with him than it was this time last year. He tells me he loves me a lot more than he used to (when he drank/smoked pot, I literally felt like he didn't even see me most of the time, even though I was still living at home.) I have no doubt that he is TRYING to get better, but I also know that he's doing this mostly to win back my mother, who has decided she doesn't want to stay married to him.

I don't blame her for that--she's much happier and better-adjusted now that they've split. I want her to be happy. But my dad goes through these horrible cycles in which they talk once a month (it seems) and it always culminates in him begging her to come back, her saying no, and then he goes full-on Mr. Hyde. He sends horrible emails. He lashes out at any perceived threat (I told him I wasn't planning to come by this weekend--cause I do not want to see him like this AGAIN--and he basically told me that I was cut off from any financial help. That lasted all of five minutes. He never means it.) EVERYTHING is an opportunity to blame my mother for daring to be happy without him. It's as if he is no longer my dad. He's like a monster nobody can reason with.

Basically, it's what I call a three-day tantrum bender.

And before you say "Well, then stay away from him/give him time to calm down" etc, which is good advice regardless, I should point out that he does give me weekly checks (I'm underemployed and still looking for a second job.) And that means I have to be in his presence to get them moreoften than not. So do I buckle down and wait until he's Dr. Jekyll again to get the money? Or should I have him leave it somewhere for me? I do need it for groceries this week.

 I just don't want to give him the chance to take my physical presence as an indicator that I want to hear his side of the story. I KNOW his side. I have heard it at least twenty times before. And I don't agree with it.

Help?

 

 



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And love is a thing that can never go wrong/And I am Marie of Romania--Dorothy Parker
Pushka


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Hugs, dealing with divorce is never easy and dealing with someone who is playing the victim card is really hard!! Hang in there keep going to meetings. :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
xeno59


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Whisper

Thank you for your post. I will 2nd Pushka's reply and urge you to continue going to meetings and getting more knowledgeable on this disease.
Early recovery for an A is a very intense time where ( if they are really working the program ) they are so self involved with thier recovery, trying to learn themselves about this disease and replacing healthy coping skills to take the place of thier addiction that often they are prone to severe mood swings and until they learn different still blaming others for the consequences of thier actions while they were drinking. Because of thier erratic behavior in early recovery some seek out help from a mental health provider who may diagnois them with Bi-polar disorder as they are exibiting the same symptoms of someone who has bi-polar. I have seen it happen several times with people I know when they were in early recovery, just to find out down the road that they aren't bi-polar at all. But that is just an example of how the A's behavior can be early in thier recovery.
While some of your dad's behavior is still unacceptable to you at least he is trying so kudos to him on that.
How you continue to receive checks from him is really up to you. I am not sure there is a right or wrong answer someone can give you. You may as you move forward with your own recovery set some boundaries with your dad such as letting him know you would be happy to go see him once a week or when ever but talking about your mom is off limits because you love them both and don't want to be placed in the middle. Just a thought
I wish you all the best in recovery
Blessings

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Debilyn


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My experience tells me,I would say gas is so expensive. thank you soooo much for helping me! I am going to leave these sase so I can save money in gas to look for more work, ok?

hugs,deb



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
pinkchip


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Your dad does not sound like a dry drunk persay...Just one in early recovery. It is going to take him longer than a year to grow up and learn to let go and also to truly accept the wreckage that he created through his drinking. It also sounds like he is holding you hostage while your mom has freed herself.

The decision to take his money is yours. You don't have to be captive and listen to ranting and raving. If the cost of him helping you is to be indebted like that, you are dealing with some sick enmeshment and I would suggest one of two things. Either work harder to be financially independent or lay it on the table that you appreciate him helping you but the separation of him and your mother is painful enough for you without having to hear him ranting "his side" about it.

He may cut you off financially, but you WILL find a job and your serenity is worth more than anything.

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Whisperine


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Thanks. It's not as serious as that--I have two part-time jobs (and I really need a third one...sucky economy sucks) and I don't depend on him to help pay all my bills. But my rent is $400 a month, which is more than my current income, and he helps with that. I'm looking for a somewhat cheaper place to live, but for that I'll still need a new job, preferably full-time.

I wouldn't say (and I am not "protecting" here, just being honest) that he's holding me hostage. I was able to get my checks without any drama, because he left them at the house for me to collect while he was out. If I don't want to deal with his tantrums, I stay away.

But I do know that he's got the purse-strings, and I hate that. I want nothing more than to make enough money to tell him "It's okay, I've got this, you don't have to help me out anymore." I'm working on that!!

 

 

 

 



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And love is a thing that can never go wrong/And I am Marie of Romania--Dorothy Parker
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