Hope for Today - October 11

My method for dealing with the insanity and chaos while growing up in an alcoholic environment was *not* to deal with it. I escaped into a fantasy world of books and art and remained physically and emotionally removed from what went on around me. My family could argue all day long, but it didn't touch me because I was far away. By the time I found my way to Al-Anon, years of isolating myself had left me with scars that couldn't heal overnight. I suffered from low self-esteem, impaired social skills, and lack of self-knowledge, to name a few. Being an incest survivor added to my sense of being different at the meetings I attended. I was sure no one could help me unless they were just like me.

#######ROSIE....oh me 2.....i would retreat to my *fantasy-happy-other good life* and leave this one!!!! i was good at disassociation/ blocking it out/ shutting down!!! TOO good at it!!! i would curl up in my bed and *day dream* my life away...being in my other happy world was my respite, and it kept me from going nuts in the days in the dungeon!!!! now fantasizing is a thief!!! it became an addiction....even in recovery, i still do it, but not nearly as bad as i used to...i guess it is because as i come to love me more, i can find happiness in *this life*.......back then, i detached so good, i was out of my body!!!! my parents would do their craziness but i was *away*...even when he was abusing me.....i was *away....shut down...not involved*......it worked then!!!! it was my *life saver* but when i got into recovery i noticed how much my *going away* was preventing me from REALLY facing me/ my feelings/ my injuries/ my outrage and grief.....feelings that did NOT go away .....the went UNDER!!!!! i had ZERO self esteem, bad social skills, afraid of people/ couldn't even look people in the eye because i was looking down!!!!! i had ZERO self knowledge......when i got into recovery, i felt like i was the *sore thumb*!!! i thought "who is gonna be able to relate to ME????".......

Finally I found what I thought I was looking for -- a bunch of 12 steppers in the various groups, who either knew what i was going through, or had their own equal stuff to relate with me about!!!! . As I sat at that meeting week after week, finding new reasons to feel alone and separate, I began to realize two things. No matter how different we feel, we're all very similar. No matter how similar we seem, we're all very different. It was then that I knew my problem had nothing to do with which meeting I went to, and it had everything to do with keeping an open mind........ Thought for the Day Making myself available to help and be helped by a wide range of people is a key to my recovery. "Now I understand my uniqueness. There may be no one else on earth exactly like me, but with God as my partner and as a member of such a fellowship, I am not alone." *. . . In All Our Affairs*, p. 117