Hi all,

Exactly 1 year, my A was near death and my life changed forever. I'd like to share this with although it may be a bit long and rambling. But I'm writing from my heart.

My A left his other family behind on 9/28/04. He came home to me. Those 2 weeks were filled with drinking and lots of talking until he became dilusional. I had tried to convince him to get to a meeting or call his sponsor, but he wasn't ready. He was trying to slowly withdraw himself from the alcohol. I finally convinced him to go when he started throwing up blood. We got him to the hospital and within 30 minutes he had a seizure. I can tell you that was the scariest moment of my life when they shooed me out of the room. I made them promise me that if it looked like he wasn't going to make it, to call me back in. I didn't want him to die alone. Luckily God, good doctors and nurses, and himself decided that it wasn't his time. They got him stablized. He has a bad habit of fighting the good drugs. It took over 100mmgrams of valium to get him to settle down. I knew he didn't want to die. They wanted to take his Livestrong bracelet off of him that I had put on when he first came home. He told them no, and that it was his reminder that he wanted to live. On a lighter side, my A is the most polite sick person they have ever met they told me. Every time they came in to give him a shot or talk to him, he said please and thank you. Thank you for giving me a shot?

We got up into ICU, and I stayed with him all night. He kept looking over at me in the chair and told me to sleep. I wasn't about to leave his side. In the morning he kicked me out, because I had forgotten to bring my own blood pressure medicine and I needed to get clothes for him. I came back later and he was in a regular bed waiting to go to detox as there were no beds yet. The change from him 24 hours before was remarkable. While he was pretty rough, he was alive. He went into the detox and then the councelors there got him into a 30 day in-house program.

When I look back, it's been a rough year. There have been relapses. There have been times when I wanted to give up and kick him out of the house. Financially and emotionally it's been a rollercoaster. I have run the gamut of emotions. But you know what? I would do it all over again. I love my A very, very much.

I've been crying a lot today because of the memories. At first I thought it was my fault that during those 2 weeks I went to get alcohol for him. But the doctors tell me that at that point, I was saving his life. Because if he had siezed while I was at work, he would have died. Once in a while I still feel guilty about that. But it passes. I've been thanking God a lot today that he is alive. I pray for him that this next year will be easier. There are still many hills to climb. But one small step at a time. That's all we can do.

We've both learned alot. I've learned that it's not my fault. I've learned to set boundaries, and love with detachment. I know that despite my love for him, he could not stay here if he was drinking. I've learned not to be so hard on him, nor on me. I am incredibly proud of him for facing his demons down. Pretty humbling for a man who earned 6 figures to suddenly be on DDS. We spent the weekend together and talked a great deal about this past year. We said we were sorry to each other. We both know that we each need to focus on our own recovery. For now that means living apart. But that doesn't mean that we've stopped loving each other. He's next on the list for assisted living. While I miss him at home. I don't miss being afraid to come home. He's also getting the extra mental health counceling he wants. He's working hard at his program.

There were times when I thought that I couldn't do this another day. I've faced a lot in my time. But I know that I got through those times, and I will get through these. You see there is always hope. The sun does come out even on a rainy day it peaks through the clouds. Sounds hokey I know. But it does. My faith has grown in many ways. I have a new father in law that I love very much. When I miss my Dad I call him and tell him how much he means to me. He calls me every week just to let me know that he loves me. My A has a new family. My sister at first was not supportive of us. But she has come to see how much he loves me, and that he loves his new nieces just as a much as I do. Her A has bonded with mine. While my sister is in denial about hers, I can't judge her. Her life is hers, and I can't change that. All I can do is focus on mine.
One year later we are both a lot stronger and wiser. I didn't have a clue what this was all about. Now I know.

For all of you out there who are in the medical profession, or the counceling profession: Thank you for all your wonderful work.

To my new found family here:
I wish I had found you earlier on last year. But I can't look back and dwell. I can only go foward. From the bottom of my heart: Thank you for all your love and support. It means everything.

To those of you whose hearts are breaking and going through a rough time:
Don't ever give up. Be kind to yourselves and your As. It's hard, but it can be done. Have faith. Things have a way of working out. Be prepared it might not be in the way you expect. But it's the way it's suppose to be. Recovery is a long hard road. But it's possible for both. I'm living proof of that.

Thanks for listening and being a part of my life.

Live strong,
Karilynn