Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.Maybe the relationships feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship."My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said one woman. "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself."

######ROSIE...oh for me it was my X b.f.....he was a wonderful little guy, but a major "A"....i mean he always went to work (was in navy) but soon as he was off??? he had to **get a buzz*...i knew we weren't going to marry cause i was trying to **get my mud together and stop the **numbing of my pain* and he was not even close to wanting to recover.......12 years we were together...i was too scared to be alone....too afraid i would *not make it* that my *needs would not be met*...his financial and emotional help....i was so coda on him it wasn't even funny.....and he was coda on me for the emotional support i gave him!!!!! ......my incest agressor father was another horrible relationship.....of course i was not OLD enough to stay away when i would run away...so i demanded money from him for my **services*......if he was gonna make me drink with him and play *customer and whore* he was gonna pay for it!!! i think also i did that to have **some control* over my impossible and at that time hopless situation....like the hostage **making the best of it* is what i did...but yeah, i demanded money ....finally i was able to steal enough from him to run away permanently......i had gotten my own apt. but was still working for him, and he would conme down my place to **pester me* and finally as sick as i was, i finally got up the gumption to have a **garage sale* at his place, while he was gone, pocket my money and i ran 3,000 miles to get away from him.......

Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.