The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all, thank you all who responded to my post from last night. I felt good when I wrote it and you all made me feel even better. I am going to try and keep up the good work.
Now for the delima. My ex the "A" just called me about ten minutes ago. I still had not returned his calls from yesterday and didn't plan on it either. He said (very nicely)I just wanted to call to say thank you for dropping my things off yesterday, I said it was no problem. He said "How come you haven't returned my calls"? I said that I had been busy. Next came "Busy doing what"? I told him just stuff, just been busy. Now I start to hear the change in attitude, he's getting upset, mad, pissed, whatever it may have been but he did not like my answers I guess. Then he says "Well, you haven't been home much". I said "I don't really know what to tell you, I just been busy doing things. Next thing you know, he says "Fine, I'll talk to you later, bye". Then hangs up on me.
Now you see, there have been many, many nights I have waited for him to call. And I suppose in his book that I should be sitting at home waiting for him to contact me, which I had been doing. But now the tables are turned and he doesn't really seen to like the situation anymore.
I am sticking to my guns and not giving in, plus it is none of his business what I am doing, just like he feels it's none of mine what he does.
What the heck is his problem?? can anyone help me on this..give me some insight. Thanks as always.
I don't think you have to do anything necessarily. His reaction is his reaction.
But, I did wonder, is it true that you're not calling your A back because you're busy? Or, are you angry and expressing it indirectly?
In the cases where I've been feeling angry and expressed it indirectly (again, I don't know if you are or not) it's helped me to take care of myself when I've just been able to admit it to myself. Being specific with myself about exactly what I'm angry about helps me set boundaries not against the A but for myself. Although I've often reveled in punishing my A, it's often led to bigger fights and less of what I really want: To keep the focus on me and to take care of me. Too often, I find trying to express the anger directly is fruitless, and frustrating, but that there is usually some very tiny, very helpful boundary that I can set that will make the world of difference. For example, if you really don't want him to call about trivial things, you might consider asking him directly to not call you and to get his stuff from the house in an alternate way that does not involve you. For example, by saying: "I didn't mind dropping your bag off at work, but I'm finding that I'm spending more time than I want to on trying to get your stuff to you. Please don't call me about these matters. I'd like you to do XYZ instead." If you need a "break" from him, you could always ask that you not talk for a set period of time.
I am sure my A is sitting waiting for me to call him. I decided last week when I asked him to move out, that I have made amends for my wrong doing with him. I will not call him, it has been a horrible fight within myself not to call, not to leave a message, I have texted him twice in a week. Once just said "maybe we can talk in a week or so, I know right now you might not believe it, but I do love you" and Friday when he deposited his paycheck in the bank I texted "Thank U".....I think it confuses my A that I am not reacting, I am becoming pro-active. I am making choices about how to live my life, what to do with my time, and this has to be messing with his head. For years I live in reaction to his life. Hang in there. Hugs Mary
His problem, in a nutshell, is that "you are getting better", and he can't stand it!! He LIKED you being the doormat, ready to take whatever morsels of relationship that he had to offer.... It suited his addiction just fine, and he did NOT want things to change...
The fact that he is getting irritated..... is HIS thing. You are simply learning to, and doing, what you need to do. I say WELL DONE!!
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree with BlueCloud - there is nothing wrong with not talking to him, if you don't want to, but it is good to have a clear view of your motives. If you didn't call him because you didn't want to talk to him, you can say that, you know.
Your share made me think of when I had first came in to alanon... well when I fist told him what I was all of a sudden doing he was angered and figured that all I did was talk about him and then when I would write in my journal he assumed it of course was about him. All him!!!! my life had revolved around him for such a long time and of course when I took the focus off of him and put it on me YES he was mad. One night when he came home and started in on me about things I was or was not doing I simply told him that I am doing things for me. That it has nothing to do with him but everything to do with me. At first he would ask about the things I did and I would just say stuff... or oh I am just bussy with stuff. This bothered him he wanted to know what I was up to... but then I bit the bullet and told him that I am working on me and that his bussiness was his and that I am dealing with or doing things to work on myself... In time he has gotten used to it and now does appreciate that I now own my own life again and leave him to his... His disease his for him to own and my illness is for me to own..
I hope that this all makes sence.... in time it does get better and easier.
