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this is the challenge of my life learning how to detach with love everytime,but ive got to learn it somehow i read alot of alanon lit but not to much on detaching with love it so easy to fall back into those old famieler ways of detaching out of anger and madness that dont work never does,never did i get dumped on all the time with my sis and bros either sick stuff or problems or their main talk is about fixxen someone else i get sick of hearing it they never want to talk about themselves or just whats going on right there at the moment where we r,i get caught all back up into it and feel sick afterwards i dont know how to detach from all that ,without sounding sarcastic toward them or being or getting agry at them they try to tell me what im doing wrong like my relationship that i sould dump him that he isnt good enough for me duh!!!!,and he is a good man they reall7y need to seewp out from behind their own doorsteps before trying to tell someone else what to do but they r very codepent ppl especially my sister,2 of my sisters especially my bros r ok but r all alcoholis and druggies and one of my sisters r a alcoholic she tells me that dont think u have a winner of a fiance either pat. i just want to stay completely away from my family and just visit onced a yr.like move 100s miles away from them so they wont know what im doing and cant talk to me or come see me which that they dont ever do but phone calls yes they do just alot to worry the piss outta me lots of times i love my sis and bro alot but darnit y cant they just mind theie own biz.this is y its sooooo important that i learn to detach from them with LOVE.thank yall for listening to my gunk ,,,,,,luv yens,A True Blue Al-anoner,lol patty
Have you considered setting some boundaries? For me, it's hard to detach without the prior step of boundaries. In my own family, I've noticed that my conversation with family members often consists of a family member and myself ganging up on a third, non-present family member(i.e. Can you believe that so so and so did such and such?). I regularly end up talking about my frustrations with everybody else not that person directly. So, I talk with with A about B and C, with B about A and C, and with C about A & B. I've decided I'm not happy about this habit! However, as I pay attention to how I interact on the phone, I notice that I'm just as likely to start these conversations as anybody in my family! The first step for me will be to set an internal boundary: "I do not wan't to talk negatively or complain about family members who are not present in the conversation. If I have a complaint or issue that needs to be resolved, then I will take it to the family member it concerns directly." My next step will be to come up with a couple of gentle, loving, yet firm strategies I can use when the issue comes up. I'm thinking of either addressing it in advance "You know, I realize that I've been more than happy to engage in conversations where we complain about mom in the past, but I don't want to do that anymore. When I have a problem with her or someone else, I want to take my concern to them directly... I really enjoy talk to you, and I hope we can still talk regularly. Instead of talking about mom, I'd love to hear more about you, and share what's going on with me." Or, addressing it the moment it comes up "You know, I'm not comfortable talking about Steve since he's not in the conversation, I'd like to switch topics. How did your project at work turn out?" I think then, if the family member ignores my boundary/limit, is when detachment comes in. I can then employ a consequence, for example, to end the conversation gracefully (I'm uncomfortable that you're repeatedly taking the conversation back to Steven when I've explicitly asked that we leave him out of our conversation. If you can not stop talking about Steve, I will need to get off the phone). Then, at that point, if they got angry, I could use my detachment to not respond in kind and just follow through with a gentle goodbye and hang up.
I still think, at least for me, there's going to be some grey area here. It can be really helpful to process issues with a sibling, for example, who really understands the family dynamics. But, for me, too often I'm not really talking about myself as much as I'm talking about the third person. So, I'm not really processing my own feelings but instead I'm venting or complaining, it's not really helpful, and if I'm really truthful, I participate in it and initiate it because it helps me feel superior to my family and because it's a way to avoid intimacy.
For me, the trick with these long established habits is to be gentle, set a clear boundary I can keep, and to remember that sometimes when I want change and I want it NOW, I resort to using a sledge hammer instead of the baby steps, baby steps, baby steps that will result in real change!
You do have some part in these conversations - people can't have conversations with you without your input. When you don't like how it is going, change the subject, say "I don't really feel comfortable talking about that", or what ever works.
You also have every right to distance yourself from people who are negative. You don't have to move 1000 miles away to be able to say "I can't talk right now, I'll call you Friday". If they don't like it, that really is their problem, not yours. I find I can stand something once a week , or once a month, that would really harm me if I had to do it every day.
,but ive got to learn it somehow i read alot of alanon lit but not to much on detaching with love it so easy to fall back into those old famieler ways of detaching out of anger and madness that dont work never does,never did i get dumped on all the time with my sis and bros either sick stuff or problems or their main talk is about fixxen someone else i get sick of hearing it they never want to talk about themselves or just whats going on right there at the moment where we r,i get caught all back up into it and feel sick afterwards i dont know how to detach from all that ,without sounding sarcastic toward them or being or getting agry at them they try to tell me what im doing wrong like my relationship that i sould dump him that he isnt good enough for me duh!!!!,and he is a good man they reall7y need to seewp out from behind their own doorsteps before trying to tell someone else what to do but they r very codepent ppl especially my sister,2 of my sisters especially my bros r ok but r all alcoholis and druggies and one of my sisters r a alcoholic she tells me that dont think u have a winner of a fiance either pat. i just want to stay completely away from my family and just visit onced a yr.like move 100s miles away from them so they wont know what im doing and cant talk to me or come see me which that they dont ever do but phone calls yes they do just alot to worry the piss outta me lots of times i love my sis and bro alot but darnit y cant they just mind theie own biz.this is y its sooooo important that i learn to detach from them with LOVE.thank yall for listening to my gunk ,,,,,,luv yens,A True Blue Al-anoner,lol patty