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AS YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND AND I SEPERATED LAST WEEK HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO MEETINGS AND DOING WELL. HE CALLED ME AFTER HIS MEETING AND SAID HE LOVED ME AND TO COME BY HIM HE WANTED TO TAKE ME & OUR DAUGHTER TO A CARNIVAL AND SPEND THE DAY TOGETHER. SO I SAID GREAT I TOLD MY DAUGHTER WHO WAS SO EXCITED AND NOW ITS 12:07 PM AND I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HIM.HIS PHONE IS OFF
I BIT THE BULLETT AND CALLED HIS MOM AND SHE HUNG UP ON ME.
LOVELY WOMAN . ANYWAY I AM ASSUMING HE DID NOT COME HOME I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN AS_ I CANT KEEP LETTING HIM DO THIS TO US.HE IS SLOWLY KILLING ME . I FEEL LIKE CRAWLING IN BED & CRYING . HELP!!! I AM SO SCARED TO SEE THE BANK ACOUNT AND HE GOT PAID YESTERDAY I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS GOING TOO WELL
I am so sorry that you and your daughter are living on this rollercoaster. It is terrible to love someone who has an addiction. I am sure that he had every intention to take the two of you to the carnival. He has a disease. One that we are powerless over. I am new to alanon but would agree with Megan go somewhere.. Do something.. It is his loss.. Try not to focus on him try to focus on your daughter.. Go to the carnival, watch your daughter smile.. REALIZE that SHE is what it is all about.. (his loss)
Keep coming and keep posting. Remember, hon, your daughter is looking up to you. Although I too, in the past, wanted to crawl into bed, I did not want my children to feel as though they had to take care of me which stunts their growth.
Always, always, always, have Plan B ready. They even teach this to managers that you must have a back up, contingency plan and be prepared to put it into action.
I agree with Megan -- go out anyway hon. Take your daughter and make it a beautiful day for her. My mom, who is dead, never found recovery. For all I know, neither one of us knew about Al Anon back then and part of my sadness is that she "allowed" my Dad to wreck her and our lives at that time.
I hope to see you in MIP meetings too Chrissy where you will not feel alone.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
(((Chrissy))) I completely understand the "rollercoaster" ride! It is so difficult at times, isn't it?
If it is any consolation, my A. did sorta the same thing to us. He called yesterday from work, asked if we (as a family) could go to the local Apple Festival. I let myself get set up by getting excited and expecting him to keep his plans. I even told my oldest (14 yrs old..who said "yeah right...I'll believe it when we are there"). Well lo and behold last night he changed his mind. He didn't want to go. Instead he made plans to do something w/his friends. I was disappointed and angry (but I didn't say anything). Kids decided to make their own plans w/friends for the weekend and I'm spending the weekend cleaning.
I've had enough of the rollercoaster ride..I want to get off!!!
yep... it's awful stuff, trying to depend on the undependable.... One thought of how it might be different.... Next time you agree to do something like that, have HIM coming by to pick you & your daughter up.... No real need to tell your daughter about any of it, and if he shows up, the three of you can have a nice time together.... If he doesn't show up, you aren't all that suprised, and your daughter is none the wiser, allowing the two of you to have a fun day, regardless of him...
Take care
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I WILL RENT A MOVIE AND I TURNED OFF MY CELL PHONE & MY DAUGHTER'S AND UNPLUGGED THE PHONE I NEED PEACE FOR A WHILE. AND I COULNDNT STAND THE PHONE RINGING ANY MORE & IT NOT BE HIM.
One of the things I LOVE to do when I feel hopeless about humanity is watch Turner Classic Movies -- the old movies where ppl had integrity & honor & their lives seemed so rich just in their characters.
2-3 months ago, when I found my way back to Al-Anon & this wonderful site, I was so hurt & resentful... everyone reminded me that if the A is talking, they are lying. I know they want to believe their "beautiful" lies but we are smart enough to detach & know they are only trying to 'impress' us & hardly ever actually follow through.
I agree w/ the others... hey if he comes up with a wonderful idea, "going to the carnival" just go yourself, let it be your idea. Then if he actually did call, say, "meet us, we're here". I don't have any children but I wouldn't tell them about it what the A is saying... that way they don't get hurt from having any expectations & if he does follow through it is a wonderful & unexpected surprise for all!
I can speak from my own exp, for living w/ an A (my step-father) for 27 yrs, when they say one thing & then let you down, it is crushing, devastating... save her from that grief.
Also, if think of some new traditions for the Holidays, they are right around the corner, love each other, make it fun!
in love & recovery, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
you know, chrissy....i have learned by being screwed over and over again, by "A's" and other folks, that expectations are premeditated resentments.....when someone one lies or lets me down over and over again, i either kick them out of my life (who needs it??) or i drop my expectations and i keep my sanity....i have an "A" brother whom i just adore!!! but when he is drinking, i cannot depend on him at all to keep his word....he forgets!!! so when he promises me , i just say "ok" and i put it out of my mind....i dismiss it....if he comes through??? great...if not??? well i didn't expect anything anyway.......its the only way i can live with a person who lets me down....
as far as intimate relationships go???? .....if ones actions doesn't match their word or they are not there for me or they make me feel bad about me...i dump them....
i haven't cut off my brother because he is so very sweet to me....but i will NEVER never depend on him for anything!!!!! i love him, but i also have ZERO expectations of him!!!!
please take what works and leave the rest....rosie
Hi Chrissy I am so sorry that you got let down again. It is your daughter that I really feel for because she will harbour the feelings that we do about not trusting and that is really hard to let go of. Why don't you try reverse psychology and when your A is humble and tries to apologize you could play dumb - Oh did we have something planned together? You know we had such a great day rented a movie, did girl things and ate lots of chocolates. I must be losing the plot I completely forgot about the carnival. Show him that you can do things without him and enjoy yourself. Thinking of you with love.
Chrissy....do what I did, get that money out of the joint account, you have a right to be able to pay your bills and buy food.
Do you have the book, the language of letting go..? It has daily meditations in it for each day of the year. I got it over a year ago, it helps, it helps to validate you, your feelings, your independence, your focus on you, you can love him without being taken advantage of.
Last Thursday at my counseling, I was explaining that my A treats me a certain way because I have allowed him to, basically given him permission. I wouldn't allow a co-worker, my boss, or even a stranger to talk to me the way I have allowed my A. My boundary setting with my husband is not as strong as in other relationships in my life. I realized this about a month or two ago. I decided to change that. I have rights. It doesn't mean I have to argue and fight with him, I have a right sometimes to say nothing. I have a right to sleep well at night and not lay in wait for a phone call from the police, or him stumbling in at 3 or 4 in the morning drunk. I am finding that barely skimping by financially will be better for me then living in the constant wait for his next antic. Don't get me wrong...I love my husband with all my heart, I want to be with him, I want to grow old with him. But I don't want to do any of that with the way he is now. So it's his call right now, maybe just maybe he will choose the life with me, but I have to be willing to accept that he may choose his alcohol, drugs, and his friends. Hang in there.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS GOING TOO WELL