Aloha Open...I've met my spouses sponsor in the past.  It was okay...she was another person in recovery trying to maintain sobriety and was there to be supportive primarily to my alcoholic/addict spouse.  She was instrumental in getting me at least an introduction into both programs.  She wasn't my sponsor and she did have sober experience she was willing to share if asked for it.  I use to program socialize with my sponsor and his recovering alcoholic wife also and once did a 5th step with him with her in the same place for other reasons.  It worked out very well and she helped keep it lite rather than like an inquisition.  She didn't interfere.  Currently my wife and I keep our programs close together but not on top of or attached to each other.  We are in "our" recovery at the same time and know the same program people intimately yet maintain anonymit(ies) very well.   Just some experience.  (((hugs)))

Thanks for the feedback. It can be so tough to know what's best. Everyone has a different opinion, even those who are in AA. But I hear you and I appreciate your advice. :)

Hi opentoadvice. Ooh can I relate. I totally agree that leaving them to their program is best.

My Alcoholic Husband (AH), now a little over 4 months sober, hasn't yet asked me to meet his sponsor, although he does share other things with me from time to time like when they are meeting, things he's learned and how he related that to life..

My story is all over these boards but here's the jist of it. My AH's alcoholism just exploded and progressed so fast - there were years where he would only get hammered at events, like months in between, then eventually every weekend, then within 6 months it went from every weekend to every day...all day, to suicidal thoughts, phych ward stay, diagnosed with depression and anxiety, hospitalization, and a new pill addiction that made him appear half brain dead... and basically a few beyond believable hellish months where I didn't even notice my frustrations anymore as I was now so scared he was going to die..and I felt like I was going to die of the intense never ending state of fear and panic I was living in. He was a totally different person and nothing short of insane and completely and utterly delusional.

Anyway, back in the earlier days..... when my AH started going to AA and eventually got a sponsor, he told me SO much stuff, all the time, he shared with me what he talked about in meetings, what he learned, he invited me to one of his groups open AA meetings once a week, I met his sponsor, his sponsor came over to our house a couple times and we all chatted ect... All that sounds great, right? Well... AH never got more than 2 days dry (I say dry, not sober.. big difference) in that 5 month period. He lied about going to meetings (I would drop him off and he would wait till I drove away then hop a bus to the liquor store) lied about so many things, he even told me stories about all the progress he was making while he was falling over drunk...yet he thought he was working it. Looking back, I don't think he was ready, or he wasn't doing it for him, - he was just going through the motions to say "hey, look at me, I'm doing this and that!". He admits this now and we've had a couple conversations about it.

My AH has been through detox and rehab twice and is now living in a sober living home...... In the events leading up to this - there was one night that he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, he passed out at work and they found him on the floor and thought he was dead... the next day I took him to his sponsors house and an hour later the sponsor called me and we chatted about my AH. The sponsor told me that my AH said he could call me - he told me about how he thinks my AH needs more than just AA to get started, he recommended detox then rehab and gave me and my AH all the information on how to get the ball rolling on that - which was so helpful. So, when that happened I was grateful that I had somewhat of a relationship with the sponsor, although I'm sure he would have called me, with AH's approval, even if we hadn't met..

So... then began AH's journey through detox and rehab.

The way my AH works his program now is night and day compared to how he 'worked it' before. I'm actually seeing a personality change in him, he's becoming more and more, every day, the man I fell in love with, it's like he's a brand new person, nice, caring, compassionate, helpful, patient, self aware, takes ownership of his crap, apologizes, ect... It's a miracle to see.

I haven't met my AH's current sponsor, and my AH doesn't dangle the "look at me and what I'm doing" carrot in front of my nose anymore....Yet, I see the action, I see the positive changes as opposed to just hearing about them! I did not see those changes or action before when my AH had his old sponsor back when he told me everything, ect..

I can totally relate to wanting to know!! Hell, I wanted to know everything so bad I practically became a secret agent overnight with all my spyware and stealthy snooping techniques...it totally consumed me - moments I am not so proud of. I do still get that feeling now from time to time where, for some reason, I want to know how often my AH and his sponsor meet, what they chat about, blah blah...but I stop and ask myself why? reassurance maybe? I dunno... but I don't give into those thoughts...I let him be and if he tells me stuff, great, but I don't push it because they will share if and when they are ready... I also think... why am I allowing myself to get caught up in HIS relationship with HIS sponsor...when I don't even have a sponsor yet!! I should worry about getting me a sponsor...which I am doing, haven't found one yet.... I need to go to meetings more often than I do. As others have said, recovery is very personal and they are dealing with SO many things that they really can't give us the attention we maybe were used to. But, that it is suggested we get busy working on ourselves! :)

And to all of you for writing here...it's so helpful to wake up in the morning and read your feedback. The more I learn about your experiences, the more clarity I seem to have. And that's amazing. Thank you....

Aimee,

It IS helpful hearing about your experience. So thank you for sharing your thoughs. What you described is more akin to what my friends have shared with me.

But i can see here that the important take-away repeated here is to be very conscious of not interfering with each other's recovery.

It's a simple message, and something i can keep reminding myself to do.

Thank you. :)

I met the sponsor of my A.  I was only in the program for a year at the time.  When my A relapsed he would tell me things his sponsor told him in an effort to make it appear like his sponsor was cosigning his stinkin thinkin.   I believed I knew better. One day the sponsor said something to me at an open meeting that let me know he was not being entirely truthful with me or with my A.  Of course he was not aware of some of the things I knew that aided in exposing him.

I knew then that my A was in a poor position with a sponsor that was in the program for 23 years, that was obviously not working it.  My need to save my A from the poor position he did not know he was in was overwhelming.  I handed it over to my HP and stayed silent for many months with lots of prayer for wisdom and guidence the whole time.  

The situaition finally came to light when I had a choice to share my knowledge or lose my relationship.  After much more prayer and lots of discussion with my sponsor I finally shared the situaition with my A.   He was not angry at all and dropped the sponsor.

Maybe hp had a plan the whole time that he was not the sponsor for my A and I was a part of that plan....I don't know.

I do know that I had to work my program very hard to not let obsession and resentment regarding the situation eat me up.  

Had I not met the sponsor, I would  not have had to be in that situation.   My A and I wanted me to meet the sponsor for me to support him in his sobriety.  

I no longer am a source of support for him in that way.   He has a sponsor and a program for support and I have the same for my support.

He has a new sponsor for quite a while that I have no desire to meet.  For me it is much easier to concentrate on my own program instead of his.

OpenToAdvice wrote:

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Lots of clear messages here from you all. Thank you. And pinkchip, I like your analogy. It makes a ton of sense.

And since you are all so gracious and giving with your feedback, I'd like to ask yet another question that your responses has called up for me.

I've received different and conflicting responses to this question from both friends in AA and some family that attended Al Anon for a number of years. (Please forgive me, this is all new. So my questions may seem obvious, but I hope in asking I'll find some insight.)

My BF is working towards 90 meetings in 90 days. He is not quite mid way through. At least once he's wanted to make an excuse to skip his meeting. It's odd. He tells me, 'oh, i'm going to be late, i'm not going' and I know he is looking to gauge my response. I reached out to a few friends who know my BF and also have their own personal experience with AA and Al Anon for advice. Most said: Don't tell him what to do, but don't make it so easy either, by acting as if it's no big deal, and thereby communicate that you don't care what he does.

One friend suggested that I tell him how great I think it is that he's come this far and that it's really something to be proud of to stick with it.....and leave it at that.

I'm hearing a lot on this forum that it's best to leave my BF's recovery to himself. And focus on my own recovery. So that's at the forefront of my mind as I send this out to all of you. But I'd love to hear your feedback.

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 What would that look like to you? Leaving his recovery to himself? Like what does that actually mean? Does it mean checking to see if he is making his "90 in 90"? Or does it mean saying to him "I am going to go ahead and stay out of your recovery, please don't tell me, I don't want to know" and going to your own meeting? Have you started attending Al-anon meetings yet to get support for -yourself- when you wrote:

Dealing with my boyfriend and his struggles can be entirely exhausting. I think the worst part is that he seems to have no idea that we are BOTH affected by his alcoholism. He is not yet at the point where he can accept responsibility for how his drinking has hurt me and us. And I can see that he still pities himself and resents where he is. At the moment, he's incapable of understanding beyond a very superficial level that his struggle absolutely affects me, too. This is what I'm struggling with most.

And yet, I am trying my best to learn how to maintain my own mental health and individuality while being supportive of his recovery. Wow, what a challenge! I am working to be accepting of what I can't change and just try to focus on what I can effect. I'll keep at it.

 The biggest thing Alanon taught me to do is check and see how -I- am doing, what -I- am feeling, to keep the focus on -me- and not my significant other

The most important lesson I learned was if I don't learn to focus on myself, and to take care of myself, and manage my -own- emotions, there will be no relationship soon enough

Take a look around the forum, read some stories, there are quite a few "old timers" and newcomers, when I did this one fact became apparent, old timers posts were all about themselves, they never even mentioned (except in context to a reply) their significant others, it's always a mini story of "what it was like, what happened, what it's like now", example, "I was obsessing, I learned this tool/trick/worked this step, now I don't obsess any more", and newcomers posts are all about the alcoholics in their lives, "How do I get them to behave", Look what they did now!!!", when I first started Alanon the first thing I noticed was an inability to talk about ourselves, I ran into some old friends I had gotten sober with 15 years before, so I'd say, wow!!! great to see you!! How are you????" and she would give me an hour of her husband, then she asked, "how are YOU???" and I'd give her an hour of my ex-girlfriend"

we didn't even know how we were, all we could talk about were these other people, what they did, what they were up to, how confused, frustrated and angry we were

we had lost who we were as human beings...I had no hopes, no dreams, I was just this...ball...of consumed....I woke up thinking about this person, and the last thoughts I had at night were this person...I had disappeared

Alanon isn't so much to answer specific questions about how to manage your relationship or how to deal with a newly sober boyfriend, Alanon is there to teach us the tools to answer our own questions, one of the worst symptoms of codependency is to give advice, to think we know what is best for others, so asking for specific advice at an alanon board is like walking into an AA meeting with free booze, you follow?

Do what we do get what we got, which is serenity and in many cases healthy relationships and certainly healthier selves, but asking for specific advice is like asking the best way to stitch these cuts on my fingers, do I use butterfly stitches or cat gut, when the truth of the matter what we need to do is stop juggling knives, in Alanon you'll get a lot of advice about which stitches to use, but if you pay very close attention, there are people here offering solution about how they learned to stop juggling knives

I hope that makes sense, I know for me I was going CRAZY when I got to alanon, because it was someone else's fault I was so crazy, you know? it was someone else's behavior, and no matter which way I twisted and turned I stayed unhappy, and I stayed angry, it took me about a year or two to finally "get it", and realize I had volunteered for all of it, and I had done so because of family of origin stuff I hadn't addressed, and as long as I didn't go back through my life honestly and thoroughly (step 4) my life wasn't going to change, I was going to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results, the stories would change, the outside stuff would change, but my symptoms stayed the same, I remained unhappy, and I remained, on some level, a victim, although I would have denied it vehemently, I could admit I was powerless, but it was the powerlessness of a victim, not the empowering powerless of surrender, when I just "let go" of trying to make other people do it my way, because my way stopped working

So every single person here learned to stay out of their A's program, what does that look like to you?

only getting in it a little bit with maybe a remark or a look, just a little passive aggressive reminder that you know what he is up to if he misses a meeting, or totally walking away from it completely?

Not giving advice, asking a question, what does letting go of his program completely look like to you?

OTA - I'd suggest you try your own Al-Anon "slam" for a while. Your answers will come if you start getting to meetings and attending regularly. I know my recovery really kicked into high gear when I finally made a conscious decision and effort to make it to an entire week's worth of Al-Anon meetings in one week's time. I also gave myself the goal to get myself a sponsor and the rest started to fall into place from there.

One of the best things my sponsor drove into my head is that no matter what I say or do, I am not responsible for the A's choice to drink or not drink... to get to meetings or not to get to meetings. There is no special dance I have to do. There's no special phrase I must use to ensure that the A will seek sobriety. There's no "making it easy for him" or "make it hard for him". Why? Because it's all up to him.

In the long run, I learned that whatever I had to say to the A, I had to do it for myself and completely erase any and all expectations that my saying something to him is going to influence him in one way or another.

OTA, don't kid yourself. You don't have that kind of power - the power where if you say the right thing to him that he's going to decide to keep getting to meetings. Let yourself off the hook and get yourself to your own meetings.