im having problems with working the steps and traditions ,my life seems to a wreck,im going in all sorts diff. diredtions and im comfused,my lifes been like this all my life,now that ive found alanon it seems that ive just got sicker instead of getting better,

Hi I have been in the program for about 11 months and I still need help with the steps. It takes time and patience. Try to get to a face to face meeting and find some friends that you can talk to that are in the program. It helps. Also try to find a sponsor that is going to work the steps with you. Life will get better as you continue in the program. You think you are getting worse but you are not. You have taken the first step to get in the program so there is a step that you didn't take before. You know realize things you didn't know before the program. Go to the meeting also online that have helped as well when I first started I went to them before I went to a face to face meeting. Also post your feeling like you have and you will be able to vent which for me always helps.

You can e-mail anytime if you need to talk.

Do you have a sponsor?  Are you going to face to face meetings?  Those two things are extremely important.  Online chats and meetings are wonderful for in between our f2f meetings.  My real recovery started once I got a sponsor and begin working the steps.  Until than I was reading everyones shares, reading as much Al Anon literature as I could, reading the Courage to Change and the One Day at a Time daily readers and so on.  I benefited some from doing these things, but not as much as I hoped.  I, like you, wondered if this program could really help me.  What I found is that just like the saying says......*It works IF you work it*  was so true.  Reading literature and doing online program stuff is great but it simply isn't enough.  This program takes real work, brutal honesty with ourselves, and most importantly someone to show us how to do the work.  Such as the steps, learning to incorporate the slogans into our daily lives etc.  The slogans may seem like nothing more than catchy little phrases but once we really start living by them and practicing them in our lives they are a very powerful tool for us.  This program has SO much to offer.  A completely different way of life from what we are used to.  But in order to reap the benefits we have to put a lot of time and effort in.  We need to follow the suggestions of those that have gone before us all the way back to the 1930's and work this program the way it is supposed to be worked.  Not half assed, or the way we think it should be worked.  But the way that's been tried and proven. 

Hi (((Patty)))

As I mentioned to you in chat this morning, my sponsor advised me not to move too quickly when I first came into Al-Anon.  I was at the end of my rope living with active alcoholism.  She advised me to keep attending as many meetings as I could and that I should not make any major life changing decisions until I had attended meetings for six months. 

In the beginning I was trying to make the decision of whether or not to stay in my marriage and that consumed me...was so confused.  I have learned that I did not get sick overnight and that I would not be able to recover overnight either.  When I began to relax with wanting to work the steps especially my fourth step (and this took me awhile!) I began to notice small changes in myself...changes for the better! 

As the fog in my mind began to lift, I realized that I did not even know how I felt about alot of things anymore. This, plus the fact I felt I was losing my own sanity was a couple of the effects of living with active alcoholism.  Earlier on in my recovery I felt my problems began in my marriage with my a, but learned very quickly they began back in my family of origin.  I learned I have an over-developed sense of responsibility.  By this I mean, the need to caretake and fix everything for everyone and fix it right now!   It was a major relief for me when I learned the 3 C's...I did not cause it..I cannot control it...I cannot cure it.  It also helped me to learn that I cannot change people, places or things but I can change me if I do the footwork.  I am responsible for me and I can be the best me that my HP (whom I call God) means for me to be.

In the beginning my sponsor advised me that I needed to watch how I say things.  I had no idea the way I expressed myself to my hubby was hurtful, cutting, mean and downright rude and sarcastic.  I had lost all perspective in trying to deal with this disease on my own.  My anger had turned to rage, I was frustrated, hurt and lonely.  If you could take a look into my home before I came into recovery you would say, "we know what is wrong with him..he is an alcoholic..but WHAT is wrong with her?" 

Alcoholism is a cunning baffling and insidious disease that affects the whole family.  No one comes into this world asking to be an alcoholic and everyone in an alcoholic situation deserves gentleness and compassion, provided one is not living in a violent or dangerous situation.

As I began to keep the focus on myself and be aware of my own behaviour things began to change for me and also the atmosphere in my home began to change for the better.  My home was no longer a battleground.  At first it was very difficult, because it seemed the more I worked to keep the focus on myself and on my own behaviour, the worse my hubby became and the more he drank. I continued to attend as many meetings as I could, talked with my sponsor and finally learned to detach from the emotional chaos of the disease.  I am a firm believer in "what you focus on the longest becomes the strongest" and I want to become a strong and emotionally healthy person who takes good care of me and keeps my side of the street clean. 

When I feel that old familiar "knot in my stomach" I immediately bring the focus to myself.  What is it I need to do "right now" to lovingly take the best care of me and I do that..whether it is go take a warm bath, call an Al-Anon friend, go for a walk, read a book etc.  I learned that I do not have to attend every fight I am invited to and that I do not have to react to someone who is trying to provoke or manipulate me. 

I am a firm believer that if you attend enough meetings, listen, learn, share, keep an open mind and do the footwork you do not need to worry about getting the program..the program will get you!  You are right where you are supposed to be for right now, try to relax and "let the program grow in you One Day at a Time."

Love in recovery - Jeri