The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need words of strength today, it has not been a good day. Although I have not heard from my A....my heart is aching and I am an emotional mess. Took the boys to the dentist this morning, one filling turned into a root canal, I know he needed it done but all I could think about was where the hell am going to get this money? My co-dependednt ways have caused From then on I have been near tears. I miss my A, I have a gut feeling it's over. His pride will stand in his way of asking for help. I don't want to cut a deal with him, I need to stay strong for me and my kids. I asked my HP to take care of this, I know good things come in time, things happen when they are supposed to but the controller that lives deep inside wants this resolved now!!!!! I keep telling myself, focus on me! focus on me! I feel that my A has been part of who I am for so many years....I know....where does he end and I begin? I am thankful that I have my counseling tonight, that will release some of my anxiety. I also made a doctor's appointment for my yearly check up and to ask the doctor for something low dose for the anxiety I am not dealing with right now. Okay I need to focus on work now.
so sorry you are having a bad day. you're right though counseling will help relieve some of the anxiety you're feeling. I can relate to how you are feeling as far as missing your A and "not knowing where he ends and I begin". As co-dependents are lives are so dependent on caring for others we can't separate ourselves out. We are not defined if we are not giving of ourselves to others. Give to yourself love yourself. Hand the $$ for the root canal over to your HP. It will come. I will be praying for you.
When I read your post tonite it could have been me! My husband officially moved out this week, so it's been rough enough by itself. Monday morning my pet canary of 9 years died. Tuesday when I picked up my daughter at school (driving the car we had JUST bought for her) it broke down. So we call a guy I work with who got us back to my work. Well, my van was parked at work, so I drop my daughter off at home & take off for my therapist appt. in the van. Would you believe that my van then broke down on the way there? I was so DARNED MAD!!!!! And my usual co-dependent self would have sat in that van and sobbed and gave up. But I guess part of it was healthy anger that got me thru! I started out walking for my therapist office, got there about 10 minutes late, but I DID GET THERE!!! I guess it was for the best in the long run, it really proved to me that I CAN take care of myself when I need to.
And as for you going into the doc's for an appt. & getting something for anxeity, great idea! I went myself about 3 weeks ago, and I can't believe how much better I feel. I've been carrying this anxiety for years now, but didn't even realize what it was. And the good part about it is that I am starting to identify when I am having anxiety, so I'm able to remove myself from the situation that's causing it if possible. Even realizing certain TV shows, conversations with friends about my A, them telling me about their problems, sappy old love songs that make me want to cry, etc. can be causing me to stress. So I change the channel, or tell my friends that I'm getting stressed talking about certain subjects, etc. ... Just anything to change what's causing it.
Financially it's really hard, I know, I'm living thru it right with you. I'm not sure where I'm gonna get the $$ to fix TWO vehicles if it turns out to be anything major. But I have to trust that my HP will see me through all of this.
But you know what's been on my mind this week? God knows when even a sparrow falls, so he was there when my canary died, he was there when the cars broke down, and He's going to continue to be there for whatever I need -- and whatever you need too.
And I'm so proud to see you say that you have to remain strong for your children. Yes, I'm with you there too. In those times when we want to give in, we have to be strong mothers for our kids, and that's what can help keep us strong for ourselves too. Not only do our children deserve healthy relationships, but so do we!
Sorry you are feeling so bad today. It is amazing how we can lose oursleves, we do become one with our husband. It is hard to seperate who we are. For a long time I was just his Wife, it took me a long time to find Jeannie again, and when I did, faults and all I liked her.
With teh root canal, I have found that things have a way of working out. If God takes us to it he will take us through it. You can substitute HP for God depending on your beliefs.
Remember all you have learned Mary..... "One Day at a Time" is very important right now... Reading between the lines of your post, your focus is on the future of your marriage, the future of your finances, etc., etc...
On your bad days, you may have to change "one day" to one hour, or minute, or second.... Breathe..... That is the first thing.... You are strong.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know you can do it. You have had so many struggles to get through by yourself already. As for the root canal maybe you can come to some arrangement with the dentist to pay it off in instalments. It is natural for you to grieve for your marriage so if you are feeling emotional have a good cry. It is not a weakness. We are always here for you as you have been for us. Hugs and luv.
And my usual co-dependent self would have sat in that van and sobbed and gave up. But I guess part of it was healthy anger that got me thru! I started out walking for my therapist office, got there about 10 minutes late, but I DID GET THERE!!! I guess it was for the best in the long run, it really proved to me that I CAN take care of myself when I need to. 