Hi everyone,

I've been really kind of struggling in my program for a little while. I began working with a new sponsor in April, and it has been hard for me to open up to her. My schedule has also been turned around quite a bit, so it isn't always possible for me to go to the same meetings I used to. I've been experimenting with some new ones, trying to find some I feel comfortable in. But, I've done so much jumping around and experimenting that I never settled in anywhere.

It got to the point over the past couple of weeks that I was so down on myself and all of the "effort" I thought I was putting into things, that I was considering giving up on the program. I've learned to pray to my HP for guidance in these situations, so I have been. And this week my HP has responded by helping me to see all of the gifts this program has brought me.

I had a rough weekend this past weekend. On Monday I called my sponsor. Even though I had been having a hard time opening up to her, I just let go and spilled it. Her response amazed me. In my head I must have been so afraid of her judging me all this time that I was unable to talk. But when I finally did talk to her, she didn't judge me. She listened, shared her experience with me, and reminded me I would get through it no matter how insurmountable it may seem at the moment. The next day she called me back and gave me some phone numbers of people I could talk to that more directly shared my experience, and told me it was up to me what to do with them.

Having grown up in an alcoholic home, my parents were pretty absent. I'm not used to being able to go to others for help, and it often feels shameful for me to do so. When I did go to others as a child, they would tell me how to handle the situation. And then they would follow up with me to ensure I had handled it as directed. I was touched that my sponsor gave me some resources and left the choice what to do with them up to me. She left me a message yesterday just to say she was thinking about me, but she hasn't called to nag me about my decision. I did choose to follow up with a few of the people she gave me numbers for, and I am thankful now for having a whole new perspective on the situation. It's nice to know I can make good choices for myself and follow through. That I don't have to rely on someone else's prescription for how I should handle everything. It often doesn't occur to me that I am capable of doing these things myself.

I figured out all that "effort" I thought I had been putting into my program was really just me comparing myself to everyone else, as I tend to do, and seeing myself come up short. I didn't say the right things, I thought. I didn't go to enough meetings. I didn't do enough service work. I didn't smile enough. When I just let the walls down and talked to my sponsor openly about what was going on, I opened the doors for the gifts of this program to come in. I've experienced those gifts before, but I had been blocking them out for a while. It's nice to be reminded that the effort that is best for me really isn't effort at all. All I have to do is be myself, and the rest of it will work out. I had forgotten how easy it is. Sometimes I make it so hard.

Thanks for listening,
Kristen