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It has been a couple of weeks since I posted. We had the wonderful hurricane Rita come through and everything was done for a week.
I am finding it harder and harder to keep everything in perspective! I am so lonely and lost right now--completely overwhelmed!
I am new to posting and al-anon, although I'm not a member of any group. I live in the "boonies" and the only meetings around here are at 8:00 at night 40 minutes away from my house. I don't leave the kids at home with my "A" alone. I never know if he will stay with them or will leave them to fend for themselves. I just can't take that chance. I almost lost my two biological kids to their dad this past year because of all the chaos.
I am just so frustrated and angry. THe last time I posted I was so proud because my "a" had 11 days of sobriety. Then I found out he didn't, he was just covering his tracks really well, and on top of drinking he started using his drup of choice again. Then the hurricane hit. He was packed away with me and completely sober for 8 days. I thought, this is what he needed to clear out his system, now maybe he can focus and we (notice, I act like I really have a part in it) can get a grip on everything again. Well then he got mad at me and went out to show me--came home drunk (big surprise!) Then he had a couple of sober days, then he decided to have a drink yesterday. He said it was no big deal--it was just one beer (supposedly). I don't think he has put the drugs back in his system, but if he continues to drink it will just be a matter of time.
I just don't understand. We he got out of rehad last spring, he was so sure he didn't want to drink, he didn't want to hang out with his old buddies, he wanted to "be there for me". Not that I really expected it to be easy and I didn't expect perfection. Now I feel like he doesn't care again. If he doesn't care--where does that leave me, us?
I was listening to an al-anon speaker yesterday ( on tape that my "a" graciously picked up at the AA meeting he went to before he got his drink) and what she had been through was awful, I don't live in squaller (although I'm in debt up past my eyeballs), I don't get beaten, I have a job--I know that really things could be so much worse than they are, but that is also what scares me to death. Do I have to go through all of that? Is that where he wants to take me?
I am a believer, I pray all the time. I just feel like God keeps telling me no! No I won't give you a sober husband, No I won't take the temptations away from your husband, No I won't give you a person who supports and cares about you. I just don't see how my requests are bad. I don't feel like I'm being selfish by wanting these things for me and my "a".
I know this was long, but I don't have anyone to talk to here. Thank you for "listening"!!!!
Hello Hudsan, this is a diesease and it is progressive,it only gets worse . in Al- Anon we learn to take care of ourselves emotionally mentally and physically by learning and understanding detachment with love. We cannot change the alcoholic or anyone else for that matter. only ourselves and our attitude. Your husb didn't plan on becomming an alcoholic it happens.
Tho our stories are very diff we end up the same feeling unloved , lonley and unwanted. that is our disease we try to fix and love th em enough so that they will not have to drink. Unfortunatley anything we try to do is doomed to fail , because it 's not our problem to solve it's his. His drinking has nothing to do with you your not the reason he drinks (regardless of what he may say) alcoholism has nothing to do with not loving his family , its not personal he is not drinking at you, He drinks because he has a problem period. I would encourage u to purchase some Al- Anon literature for yourself and attend Al- Anon on line meetings for now. We have meetings here 9am and 9pm eastern time daily. hope to see u there. Don't give up there is always hope.
Your posting sounds like my brain did a year ago. I was such a victim to my A's drinking and using. I would physically get sick when he didn't come home or wouldn't call, when he wouldn't answer his cell phone. I couldn't sleep, I was not eating healthy. My whole existence was based on where he was and what he was doing. I would go home and if he wasn't home I would sit and wait for him. Then my brain would play what I call the "what if" game. Which would just get me even more worked up.
I now know, I can only change me. As much as he has told me in the past he drinks because he would rather have fun then come home to me, he has mentioned suicide, we have argued which gave him another reason to drink. I know I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and the last C, I can't cure it.
I have started doing things for me. I have good days and bad days. I have days when I work my program so hard, then days it is hard to live in the moment. I have been married to my A almost 7 years. He got clean and sober so we could get married. Five months later he was back at it. We are now separated. I haven't talked to him since last Saturday, I love my husband so very much, but I have personally decided that I can no longer live with the drama and constant crisis. I really don't know if he will seek help, he is full of pride. We have tried it his way for so many years, his way doesn't work for me.
So find something for you. Do nice things for you. Are you attending f 2 f meetings? Daily readings? New hobby? Old hobby? How about just chatting for an hour with an old friend? Take a walk? Bubble Bath? Window shopping?
i can completely relate to your situation. i wish my life was normal too. i pray to god for the same requests, help my a to resist temptation, help him get sober. but i forget to pray for me as well. we should be praying for strength, and ask god to help us resist making our own lives all about our a's. we can't depend on someone else for us to be happy. our a's can't depend on someone else to get them sober. they must make their own desicions when the time is right for them. as for us we can only wait and hope for the best. so while playing the waiting game why not make it a little more pleasant and do the things we love? what makes you feel good? work the program and look around for what life IS giving you instead of what it isn't.
thank you for your post
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I only just recently truly "surrendered" to the fact that God is in control and has my best interests in the Divine Plan. I know it sounds silly when I write that, I never thought I was in "control" but like you I was in great turmoil wishing & hoping things could be different & still wondering, "why?".
I don't believe God wants us to suffer... HP wants us to rely on him & to love ourselves. All I know is, truly, truly I am the only person I can control or change. I believe God, the Universe, HP (wtvr) is the essence of love itself, compassionate & forgiving.
I was married to an addict & he encouraged me, often to commit suicide. My step-father is an A. No one can know what you are going through, you have to live your own life, your own way. I had to leave my husband because his sickness was making me sick too, I was trying to save him, instead of loving myself, rescuing myself. I was so focused on him, I was spiritually dying putting all of his needs before mine.
All I really can say again is that your HP loves you & wants what is best for you. I find that it isn't that God isn't speaking to me but I often am not listening. I am sorry that you are hurting so much, take care of you!
in love, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
just feel like God keeps telling me no! No I won't give you a sober husband, No I won't take the temptations away from your husband, No I won't give you a person who supports and cares about you. I just don't see how my requests are bad. I don't feel like I'm being selfish by wanting these things for me and my "a". I
First off, just wanted to say, I am glad you made it through the hurricane safely.
God can only answer our prayers for oursleves. He cannot make people do what we want them to. He can only guide us to what he wants for us, and only if we listen and are open to it.
Your prayers may be for these things, but they are your husbands things not yours. They have to be his prayers.
I know how hard it is and I am sorry you are hurting so much. All you can do is remember that it is not your fault, nor about you. Do the things that keep you strong, and make you happy. Pray for your piece of mind and your serenity. We can keep praying for our HP to look after our loved one and guide our loved one, and even protect them. But in reality, our loved one has to be accepting of theri HP guidance and direction. They have to want it too.
Take care of you, and keep coming back. You might be in the boonies, but here you are among friends, and we are just a keyboard away.
