The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The two post "Detachment isn't easy" and "Letting go and hope" sure hits home to me also. My husband has drank for years, I to would do and say things (I still do at times) thinking it would make him stop or see what he was doing to himself and his family. Now it's my daughter.
I posted a while back, she drank because she was unhappy in her marriage and now she is a full pledge addict. She had her 2 beautiful children taken away by their father and grandmother. I couldn't take them because I need to work. It hasn't changed things a whole lot, she has still been drinking of and on. It really upset me I couldn't believe she drank after all that has happened. That is when I deceided to (try) detach. I couldn't take the hurt and disappointment any more, so I've stopped calling her.
She quit her job at the bank, that I could understand because she wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with people and money. Then she went security and now quit that said it was boring, I can understand that, now she has a job at a little food and liquor store of all places. What I don't understand is her giving up, I would shovel shit if I had to survive. We'll see how long that job last. I haven't asked her how she was doing, if she has food or money, I talk to her more as someone elses child. It just kills me not to be involved I want to take her and look after her even though she's 30 and have made so many bad choices she would never listen to me
When she missed a nights work to drink I told her that I was getting to old to take all the responsability of the mobile home we got for her and that if she missed paying the loan and lot rent I would have to pay because our credit was on the line but if I have to pay it a second time I was putting it up for sale. I told her I was not working a whole month to pay for a trailer for her to party in. She nicely said "I know mom, I don't expect you to". Then I felt bad.
She has an appointment with a doctor out of town to see about getting her tubes tied, now she says she don't have the money to go. I told her I would buy her a return ticket, I wouldn't give her the money, but I would buy the ticket because all we need now is for her to get pregant, she said she will not have any more babies no matter what. I simply said "Why risk it and have to get rid of it and there be another guilty feeling you have to deal with" She rolled her eyes and rubbed her head" I just said to my granddaughter "Come on, Brook it's time for me to leave here". and I got up and left.
Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend here in Canada and I thought, " I won't even ask her to come over she how she feels dealing with a special day without her family." Her kids will be gone out of town with their grandparents, so let her celebrate it with her friends, the ones helping to bring her down. She was drinking with them one night and was to sick the next day to come and watch her daughters first hockey game, now her father is really upset with her. He's an A himself but said to hell with her let her go.
I think you are doing great. I don't think you are being too hard. You set your boundaries and now you have to stick to them. All you re doing is telling her that you can no longer support her and be responsible for herself. Good Job!!
I don't think that there ever is a hard enough line with A's. They are so out of touch with their reality and feelings that it takes a hard line just to get their attention. You have to try boundaries and if they don't work you can always change them.
