The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know where to start, so I guess I'll just jump in somewhere...
My husband isn't an alcoholic, but I am the adult child of two. We have been married for about a year and a half, and I have been coming to meetings for two years, which has helped me a lot. But, sometimes I still honestly feel like I don't have the skills I need for my marriage to work. I know I have slowly been picking them up, largely with the help of Alanon. But I still have times when I wonder what I am doing.
I am really bad with intimacy. Sometimes I can handle it, but most of the time I can't, and I'm usually waiting in fear of it. My husband is a patient person and most of the time I can tell him if it's okay with me or not. But sometimes I can't even do that. Sometimes I get it in my head that there is some formula of things I am supposed to give to him, and if I can't he is going to leave. And then I feel stuck. I know I can't handle it, but at the same time I am afraid he will leave if I don't. That he'll tell me til the cows come home that everything is okay, even if it's not, until suddenly he admits it's not okay and he's already gone.
Yesterday was one of those times. I admit I didn't handle it in the best way. I didn't yell and try and blame it all on him, which I have done in the past. But I couldn't talk about it openly. I went upstairs to the kitchen and cleaned up the dishes. When I finished, I came downstairs, and he was gone. He hadn't told me he was going anywhere, and he's never just left like that before without saying anything.
I called to ask him if he was okay, and he said no, but he said he didn't know why. When he got home, we did talk, and we said all the things we maybe should have said in the first place. And then he said he was fine and he was glad we had talked. But I don't feel fine. I've felt like the bottom has dropped out or something ever since this happened yesterday, and I haven't been able to get myself back on track yet. I start crying just thinking about it, but I can't figure out what is wrong, either.
Hang in there life does get better. Sometimes it might seem that life is getting worse. You have to go through the bad to get to the good. Keep your head up and you will be able to make it. Go to meetings, online, or in group setting. Find some friend online or off to call when things get bad. YOUR NOT ALONE ANYMORE!!
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
Growing up in an alcoholic home is incredibly hard. Give yorself credit - you have survived, you have a marriage with what sounds like a guy who cares about you, you are in recovery and asking for help. This is all very good, and you can be proud of yourself. If alanon alone is not helping you as much as you would like, consider counseling or some type of therapy. You have a lot of stuff left over from your childhood, you may have never learned how to trust because your parents weren't trustworthy. A therapist can help you find ways to get past that, and family counselling can maybe help your husband find the best way to talk to you, so you don't feel so scared.
Keep coming back to alanaon, anyway, no matter what you decide. You are not alone here.
What a horrible thing to always feel something is wrong Trust takes time, and you need to learn to trust in yourself first.
Your husband sounds very patient and caring. There is no formula of what works in a marrage or any relationship, but communication is vital. Keep talking, when you stop talking about problems they get out of control.
Don't be too hard on yourself, if you want others to be patient with you, you at least owe it to you to be patient to yourself well.
Your post was titled how to get back on track, I guess the best way to start is when the sun comes up. Tommorrow is a new day, start fresh and go from there.
