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I have a male friend who is an alcoholic. He is very nice but when he drinks which is all the time I just can't be there to see it or be part of it as I am an adult child of an alcoholic (deceased father) so it brings up horrific memories for me. I love my alcoholic friend as a brother and it kills me to see him self-destruct. I've been going to Alanon for a few months on and off and trying to open up to the group without success - I just listen and try to understand things. I've bought every self-help book out there to learn to love this guy unconditionally but my behavior recently was just awful toward him and I feel terrible about it. I hired him to do some work around my house but he didn't finish it, was unreliable, forgot some items, didn't follow the priority of work to be done. I tried to address it with him over the phone during the week but he would change the subject matter which left me frustrated. Every time he said he would be there to do the work, he would not be there. Friends told me he was drinking and sleeping or working for other people rather than doing what I thought he said he would be doing. I became so frustrated that I left him a voicemail and said I wanted my money back and would not refer work to him because the priority was not following, didn't finish work, forgot to do things he said he would do, etc. He gave me money back but did not speak to me - he just said he forgot and walked away. We have not spoken for about 4 days now. The next day I went to see him while he was working in a coffee shop to give him some money for the time he did spend working and I left him a card. Since then (4 days) no contact whatsoever from either one of us. I feel very guilty but unsure how to handle this so I've been perplexed as to what to do now. A mutual friend who I just adore and has been his friend for 20 years said to let him go with God and maybe in the future the doors will open again. I said I didn't think that would happen as I don't feel comfortable. Any ideas on what I could do in this situation? Did I do the right thing - I don't feel like I did and I'm angry at myself. Should I apologize or just stay away from him. I truly hate to lose him as a friend but unsure how to deal with this and feel awful about myself. Thank you.
-- Edited by kitty5 on Tuesday 17th of May 2011 01:18:58 PM
-- Edited by kitty5 on Tuesday 17th of May 2011 01:24:18 PM
I have been to Al-Anon on and off , I only know one thing for sure this program dosent work part time .
I understand your concern for your friend but there is nothing you can do about the choices he is making . Lower your expectations of him and the relationship will get easier . Practicing alcoholics make promises this disease just dosent allow them to keep , disease calls and all other things are forgotten . Keep going to your meetings learn all you can about this disease , love him but detach from his behavior , sounds simple dosent it ? I know its not but it is possible . Accept who he is and where he's at and love him anyway . Louise
Try reading page on July 14th in our daily reader ODAT do what it says to the best of your ability and things will get better .
Opening up at alanon has been the way for me to feel better. When I spoke at one of my first meetings last week, it was like a weight had been lifted. You are in the right place on this board. I am learning that when I get busy with myself and stop being selfish and stop trying to control everything, I feel better. My bf drinks and if I don't work on me, I feel just as sick if not sicker than him. I am sure others with more time in the program will have more to say here, but getting into alanon and getting a sponsor, I am told are how to feel better about the person who is drinking.
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thank you for your advice. I will try my hardest to figure this out. It just hurts so much and I'm just too emotional over it. I don't want to lose him as a friend but feel like I may have which makes me very sad.
It's up to you to do what you feel is right, but I don't think you should have to apologize. I think you were very fair in your actions. I hope you don't lose your friend out the deal, but you are a good one. You should take care of you. What he does is up to him.
I'm glad you came to the board and shared. You will not regret it.
The thing is that alcoholics put alcohol above everything -- above friendship, above commitments. The disease makes them insane and they show it in hundreds of ways. Your alcoholic friend doesn't have much to give as a friend -- like all alcoholics, his addiction make him all take and no give. He failed to live up to his agreement with you about your house, you called him on it (as was only just), and you want to win back his favor? Why isn't he trying to win yours back? Doesn't this disease just make all of us crazy? I don't mean to sound harsh -- it's the craziness of the disease that we often have a hard time telling down from up.
My experience is that our experiences from every previous alcoholic tend to spill over to the next one. So I imagine some of your feelings about your dad's alcoholism are still there under the ones about this experience. I hope you'll take good care of yourself and find the meeting you're most comfortable with. I bet a sponsor might be a big help in working these things out. Your serenity is more important than anything.
Aloha Kitty...Abbyal and July 14th in the ODAAT experience goes hand in hand with what your other friend suggested about letting the alcoholic go, turned over to God and to seek understanding for yourself. If you are uncomfortable and that makes you reject solutions that work for others then your struggle will only continue. I've got another page for you and that is May 14th in the same ODAAT daily reader. When I use to think that "I" alone had to figure "it" out nothing was goind to change. I wasn't born with a manual on how to live life within the disease of alcoholism. That was what Al-Anon was and is for, for me.
Stay in the meetings and listen to the "similarities" twix the stories in the membership and your own...it is in those that the solutions are.
One thing I learned in Al-Anon was that accepting the solution did not require liking it.
Thank you for sharing. You are in the right place. I am glad you are attending face to face meetings. If you are not comfortable in sharing during a discussion meeting at a particular group, consider looking for another meeting.
I am very sorry to hear about your friend. Detachment from beloved friends and family is difficult. Alanon taught me how to do so with love. I am so glad you are here.
I do believe that you have done the best you can for your friend. You hired him and held him accountable for his agreement ( something alcoholics find hard) . When he did not live up to your agreement, you fired him and paid him for his time This is all very professional and the way grown ups interact.
He is a friend and you have attempted to call him to maintain the friendship and he is refusing to take the calls That is his right!!!You have left messages and told him how you feel now it its time to go to an alanon meeting, look for a sponsor and bite the bullet and share.
