The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi friends, today is my moms birthday which is usally a horrible day for me. my husband was so sweet he took me to the cemetery . i miss her so much she will be gone 3 yrs in november. as you know my husband & i seperated this week. it is really hard i miss him, the nights are the hardest. anyway after the cemetery i thought he was taking me home but he passed my exit.since he destroyed our bank account.i figured he was taking me home. i said where are we going he said it's a surprise. he took me to my favorite place it's called fontanas they have the best chicken soulvaki. then he took me past where we had our first date, it was called the crazy moose. the name changed to lucky's then he took me by the water it was so peaceful. then we went to the vs state park it was truly a great day. he had to leave early so he could go to his meeting he told me that he is going to do this. he told me he loves me & hates being appart from me. i feel so loved i know i'm getting too hopeful but it felt like my husband is on his way back. i pray to god the man i married comes back to me. he called me after his meeting and said he was going to bed and he told me he loved me and that he would call me before work. i just wanted to share something good for once. take care chrissy
So nice to hear you had a lovely day. Sometimes it is the simple things in life that can bring the greatest pleasure. Enjoy the spoiling we don't get it often enough and you deserve every bit of it.
I'll say this from my experience. Enjoy the good times you spend together, but be very aware of overly optimistic expectations or negative projections. My ex and I are guilty of both and I think these were the basic distructive factorts to our marriage in early sobriety. It's very hard to see when you are in the middle of it. Maybe I see it a little more clearly after some time has passed. The way my ex is on an emotional roller coaster right now, I think she's starting to see it a little too. If you want, I'll try to explain a little more about what I'm thinking about, let me know.
chrissy, i am so glad you got a break from the sadness.......from my own experience , my x husband used to do that....he would have his **good days* and we would go out and have a blast....i enjoyed the good times, cause i knew, without active recovery, they would not last.......with "A's" its a roller coaster.....1 day your happy / jumping up and down.....next day your crying.....i worked for an accountant who was training me to be juniour partner with him....and he told me "rosie, you deserve so much better---- one day your UP...next day your DOWN.....this s*** is gonna turn you into a manic depressive----its no good!!! not till he gets into AA and works it" my boss was an "A" and he went to his meets, worked the program and when i was with him the only thing he binged on was ice cream sandwiches.....he was a sweetheart and wise....i wish i had listened to him.....i ended up leaving cause my X wouldn't get into recovery!!!!!! and i just couldn't take it anymore........ just my take...my esh, ....i know how you feel, i wenth through that for five years....i know that doesn't sound long, but to me it was eternal misery.....my X could be so sweet and funny when he wanted to and he was cute on top of it.....but when he was drinking and worse, **comming down* oh my god, he was a monster.........i wish i had had this program and my friends in recovery back then..............please take what you can use and leave the rest.....rosie
You want me to explain a little more about what I went (still am) going through so here goes.
Recovery takes time. I realized that I couldn't change 20 years of alcoholism and alcoholic thinking and behavior overnight just by putting down the bottle. As the fog in my head lifted, a bunch of buried nightmares emerged, stuff from childhood and high school that had been buried under the mask of alcohol all those years. Stuff I never wanted to relive or face again, but there it was, painful, open and sore. Not every A in recovery goes through this, but I don't think it's that uncommon either. Add on top of that all the insane crap I put my loved ones through because of my alcoholic behavior over the years. A lot of painful stuff to face all at once.
I think my wife and I were both dissapointed when our expectaions of each other weren't met in early recovery. She felt I owed her big time for all the stuff I put her through. She thought I was capable of a lot of things I just wasn't ready for yet ( the first year) This lead to a lot of dissapointment, resentment, and anger. Eventually when I was ready to give her what I thought she wanted, it was met with, 'it's too little too late,' 'yeah ya threw me a few crumbs,' and 'Why couldn't you do this six months ago?' I think she just totally dismissed the fact that I was in early recovery and still had my head up my ass for sometime. Her expectations of me really set her up for some major dissapointment.
My expectations of her were selfish also. I really thought she would see how much work I was putting into getting a program together for myself to stay sober that she would be a little patient waiting for the good stuff to happen. I was such a mess inside, I gave her everything I could, but was deathly afraid of giving too much and risking rejection. This did nothing to help our relationship. When I did something positive, I felt it was received with such little appreciation, I didn't feel I could ever do enough to please her.
The point is, take your good times as they come and appreciate them. You both have a long way to go yet. Don't set yourself up for dissapointment (like my ex did) by having unrealistic expectations just because you think your husband is getting better so soon. I think it's just as dangerous to go the other extreme and project so negatively (like I did) about the future of the relationship that you are afraid to put you best self forward.
I really wish we had had better help and guidence throughout this time.
thanks guys, i know i have a long road a head of me he is going to aa everynight and then he is staying with his mom. he tells me every night that he is going to do this for us, i told him he has to do it for him and no one else. its really hard for me & my daughter. but we are trying to get through this. i told him i only want to see him on the weekends, because i need to do for me & my daughter. she is 13 and it's a really tough age. she wrote him a letter and he was upset beacause she told him how she felt. and ended it by saying she loved him & hopes he gets better so we can be a family again. i really hope he can do this . its been a roller coaster for 5 months now. i am leaving it up to god . the nights are lonely but i try to keep busy as much as i can.
