The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Funny how one day you feel real strong, able to encourage others, and the next you question yourself?
My husband is out of state hunting, should be back Tues or Wed. When he gets back he is moving into a house in town. I will admit that it's been nice and quiet around here, but now that this week is "THE WEEK" I'm starting to wonder about all of this.
What exactly is the real definition of an alcoholic? Some of the horror stories I read here don't sound like my husband at all, but some of them could be him. I've done some reading on the subject, taken the surveys (which told me that if I were taking it for someone else I needed to seek help because I was an enabler!) I've went thru a questionnaire about alcoholism with my husband, and I KNOW he lied on a bunch of the answers.
So how do you distinguish between a true A and someone who has a mental illness for instance? My mother is paranoid schizophrenic and my husband can act just like her sometimes.
He's always been the fun guy, the life of the party. And yes, I've always dreaded going to any event where alcohol was served, cause I knew I would have to drag him out, and then be accused of being a party pooper. And yes, he's quit drinking and started up again. But the last 3 or 4 years have been different. He's always had the day after hangover thing, but now the day after is like hell for everyone else in the house. And not only the day after, but the Jekyl/Hyde thing, anger, verbal abuse, etc. most of the time now. But what's strange to me about it is that he's not drinking any more than he ever used to, so why the change in him?
There seems to be so much tied up in this disease, like ego, personality, etc. He's always been all about himself - putting his needs & wants before the family. I had to learn to live with that, but this anger thing... I just can't deal with it.
Any help with explanation of the disease itself would be helpful!
I too have been 2nd guessing myself. I asked my A to leave yesterday, which he did very quietly. Then I started thinking did I do the right thing? Living with him is hard, waiting and wondering and worrying. I talked to a counselor that use to work at the treatment center I work at. He said that the decision you make at the time is always the right decision, because you are always right where you are supposed to be. So then I started thinking why can't I trust myself...hmmmmm could it be because I have been living with someone I want so desperately to trust and believe but have been disappointed so many times and can't trust his words, that now I don't trust my own words or choices. Do what you feel is the right thing, today has been easier then yesterday. I love my husband but I don't like the disease, I don't like the selfishness, the mistakes he apologizes for but keeps repeating. I hope this helps some.
Doesn't really matter if he is an alcoholic or not. You are unhappy with your life, why not make some changes? Alanon is a place to learn that we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves. I spent a lot of my life thinking "I could be happier if only...." and many of my 'if onlies' had to do with him. "If he would only not be so cranky" "If he would only come home to me instead of staying out drinking" "If he would only be more reliable." But, the truth was, his behaviour did not keep me from eating right and getting more excercise. It didn't stop me from playing with the kids, it didn't stop me from making more friends, from taking correspondence courses, from writing to my sister, from any of the things that I could have been doing while I was mooning over how he had let me down. The main barrier between me and happiiness was my own self.
For some of us, focusing on our own behaviour and needs, and leaving the A to his higher power, leads to a better marriage. For some, it leads to divorce, as we see that our needs cannot be met in the marriage.
I don't know if your husband is an alcoholic, I suspect he is, because a lot of what you say fits the profile. However, the fact that you are here shows that you are not happy with the life you are leading. Give the program a try -as they say, we will gladly refund your unhappiness, any time, if you decide it won't work for you.
