The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I often heard, "You'll never amount anything.You'll end up barefoot and pregnant. Colleges don't except dummies like you." These statements wereimprinted on my mind and heart from a very earlyage while growing up with the chaotic, inconsistent,and abusive behavior of my alcoholic father. Iwanted to prove him wrong, but no matter how hardI tried, I always seemed to fail to reach my goals ofacademic success after I graduated from high school.
#####ROSIE....oh my God this sounds like my **sperm donar* but he was worse even....like "college for you??? you are an idiot....a**hole.....you need to marry a rich man.................." on and on he went...... oh yeah, i was put down so badly i don't ever ever remember him saying ONE good thing to me.....and yes, i wanted to prove him wrong, at some time, but it didn't last long....somewhere in my young life, i gave up!!!!! i quit trying!!!! i just didn't care!!! i slogged through life a victim!!!! and of course i got victimized by life/ people/ circumstances at each term....and its so weird because i was sooo good in high school.....i mean i sub'd for the absent teachers in history/ literature the most, but the other courses i was taking as well......but to me???? i wasn't worth crap!!!!!!
I came to Al-Anon on my knees, willing to live adifferent way. I asked someone to be my sponsorafter I had been in the program for six weeks. Shedirected me into service work right away, and Iaccepted the first position that was available in myhome group. I felt afraid of doing the jobincorrectly and being criticized, but I accepted itanyway. My fears were quelled because thecriticism never came. Instead, I received praisefrom other members for a job well done. This gaveme the courage to raise my hand the next time aposition became vacant. The next thing I knew, Iwas part of our assembly board and a districtrepresentative.
#######ROSIE....it would take decades for me to be **forced* into alanon.....after decades of failures/ round sand rounds of misery....i came here on my back literally....i was attempting yet another suicide attempt....but ended up on 12 steps instead......i didn't offer myself as sponser for a long time cause i figured i would **screw it up* ...maybe i needed the industrial strength focusing on me/ before i could.......now i am learning to walk through my fears, to realize its **ok to be scared* but with my HP within, i can walk **through* those fears.......this program has taught me that i am **fine just the way i am* now i feel a part of this process....i give help....i know i am **contributing to the universe*....i know i am a blessing to the program...to life!!!!
Being of service to Al-Anon gave me the courageto finish college and to enter the teaching profession. I am truly grateful for the confidenceand self-esteem Al-Anon has given me. The oldnegative messages have been replaced with courage,self-respect, and happiness. Al-Anon service workhas helped me become the person my Higher Powerand I always knew I could become.Thought for the DayAl-Anon service work provides a supportivetraining ground to find out the best of who I am andwho I can become.". . . I can, I can, I can! And I do." *When I Got Busy, I Got Better*, p 22 ----------
########ROSIE....i do shares on the dailies, i offer my email to people needing to talk, i be of service where ever my hp leads me...because i have gotten so much out of this program, i am finally at the level that its **time for me to begin giving some of it back* to **spread the good news* without prosletizing, but with example.....i am so grateful for this wonderful program.......isn't it funny how a bunch of people can meet without a preacher/ without a doctor/ without a shrink, and we can heal/ recover????? it has to be God/ aka source/ aka creator/ aka great spirit....no matter what we call the universal power....its amazing that here we are!!!! just a bunch of people.....the only criteria , really , is to be honest/ willing/ desiring to get well, and we meet, and we share, total honesty, total safety and we are healing!!! that to me is amazing!!!! and to be a part of this miracle is a blessing!!!!! yes, i CAN i CAN i CAN and i DO!!!!!!!
Your posts are AWESOME. The reflection you portray is much of what I have done in writing my so-far 800 page autobiograpy. I believe that writing is therapeutic to the soul, as I began writing in July of 2000 and found that the reflections back to my childhood actually brought me back to the points in my life that were emotionally and psychologically, as well as sexually abusive. This writing led further to discover that my marriage was a continuation of the abuse I learned was acceptable-- it appeared that writing allowed me to connect the two and realize how the cycle was continuing based on my thoughts that, as you indicated were constantly imprinted on our brain (I believe that is how you put it).
I know one thing from all I've come through that recovery is a battle for the mind because it is all about retraining ourselves how to think healthier, in ways that we had never been taught. It's an entirely new learning process for us as we begin and initially it's tough. However, I have found as you indicated that if we perservere, "I Can, I Can, I Can", eventually just turns into "I Do", naturally. It all gets easier with time.
Of course, as an alcoholic we'll always have our days where we are presented with triggers in certain situations and those old thoughts or emotions begin to surface. Some days are more overwhelming than others. In turn, we must learn to adapt to these situations. It's a life-long process. We are never cured, only in recovery really, just like the alcoholic. After all if we really think about it, their thoughts are the same.
However, as we become healthier and stronger, those triggers are caught immediately, at least with me within seconds to a minute most times-- they're recognized and in turn, we can not allow ourselves to let the feelings overwhelm us to a point of no control. Instead, we know where the feeling is coming from deep in side of us and why-- this allows us to work with it, capture the thought as being recognized as a thought from our past, old selves that has no relevance in our lives today. With this recogniition comes the control.... and in turn, we learn to bring ourselves back to One Day At A Time--- Right Now, the moment we are in. Look around us, see where we are at and push those old thoughts out of our head.
Today is a new day, and although we constantly may feel that the same things happen over and over again when those triggers occur, the truth is that each day is a new day and opportunity to have a new beginning... One of those new days, it's bound to happen if we keep disciplining ourselves in not allowing our unhealthy learned behavior to take control.
It is so obvious that you have found the grace of God and His strength to overcome much in your life. May He continue to bless and guide you.
