The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How deeply ingrained our self-image as a victim can be! How habitual our feelings of misery and helplessness! Victimization can be like a gray cloak that surrounds us, both attracting that which will victimize us and causing us to generate the feelings of victimization.Victimization can be so habitual that we may feel victimized even by the good things that happen to us!Got a new car? Yes, we sigh, but it doesn't run as well as I expected, and after all, it cost so much. . . . You've got such a nice family! Yes, we sigh, but there are problems. And we've had such hard times. . Well, your career certainly is going well! Ah, we sigh, but there is such a price to pay for success. All that extra paperwork. . .
#####ROSIE…….i was a victim as a child…..i don’t even know if I ever want **not* a victim growing up……first the put downs and beatings and than the incest….and of course I had the mindset that life was gonna be horrible, that I had NO choice NO say NO hope NO help NO safe place to go to…..and when things would happen **life as out to get me…why not??? God and my abuser were*…this is what I thought…….i know I put out vibrations of “hurt me hurt me” cause that’s all I got!!!! Hurt!!!!! It was a vicious cycle….like a cancer the first tumour, my father, began it and it spread!! Matastizised all through my within and my without……..when good did manage to **slip through* he would find a way to screw it up/sabotage it for me…..my mother, before she got so bad with her drinking, would get me a pedigreed pure bred dog and he would either sell it or kill it…..she got me a horse…he sold it!!! She got me into acting….he nixed it….she got me into ballet, he shut it down!!! On and on it went….so I quit hoping …I quit thinking of any more **respites* from my misery…….he did this with all of us kids………and later on in life, I sabotaged my good…..i **found fault* with it….or it **wasn’t what I really wanted* or I just shot my self in the foot in other ways……up until recovery I was in total victim mode……..now, thank god, when something good happens, I am grateful…and if someone else has one bigger or prettier or whatever??? I say good for them, I am happy with what I got….i compare myself less and less to others……….the more I work this program / steps/ meetings and love my self more and more I am losing the victim mentality…….when stuff happens now, I deal so much better……I don’t feel like a victim any more
I have learned that, if we set our mind to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful of circumstances.Shoulders bent, head down, we shuffle through life taking our blows.Be done with it. Take off the gray cloak of despair, negativity, and victimization. Hurl it; let it blow away in the wind.We are not victims. We may have been victimized. We may have allowed ourselves to be victimized. We may have sought out, created, or re created situations that victimized us. But we are not victims.
########ROSIE….oh I did!!!! There was always a **flaw* in my good….like I looked for the negative…..i just figured **life/god was out to get me* that I was **crossed* and that was it…..i **drew a band hand for life* …..yes, I was victimized…..i set my self up to be victimized again…..but that was a **verb** not an **adjective or noun* describing me….it is what happened to me…..and I can change it….i can heal….i AM changing and healing………noone, but noone abuses me now….the abusers don’t dare!!!!! I had a potential tenent looking at our vacant suite here at the office….and she was the **bully* kind of woman…..abrupt!!! pushy!!!! Thought she was better than others!!!! You know, the kind you want to invite over for coffee and than lace her drink with about TWO boxes of exlax!!!!! Anyway, I listened to her try and beat me down on the rest, as she insulted my place and on and on…..and I turned my back on her and walked away!!!! As I was walking, she says “ hey where are you going???” and I said “where you are not”……..as I opened the door to my suite, next door, I told her “good luck finding a place” and I closed and locked the door, sat down and ate my lunch…….not 2 hrs. later she is calling me back on the phone, with a totally different attitude…….my boss and I rented the place to her…..and here I am, at my desk, having the best fried chicken dinner, and she walks in my office demanding that “ you gotta fix this…you gotta fix that” I looked at her and said “is the place on fire?????” she says “NO” I asked “is the place 2 feet under water????” and she says “NO” and than I said “well it can wait than until I have had my lunch…I will have someone call you and please shut the door behind you when you go”…now she greets me with a very nice “hello / how are you???” and she stays **out of my face*
We can stand in our power. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized. We do not have to let others victimize us. We do not have to seek out misery in either the most miserable or the best situations.We are free to stand in the glow of self-responsibility.Set a boundary! Deal with the anger! Tell someone no, or stop that! Walk away from a relationship! Ask for what you need! Make choices and take responsibility for them. Explore options. Give yourself what you need! Stand up straight, head up, and claim your power. Claim responsibility for yourself!And learn to enjoy what's good.
#####ROSIE….oh you bet, and I am finally learning how to do it without being nasty……I am getting good at setting boundaries now….i am not the slightest afraid to **speak up/ stand up for myself* ….i got tested severely on this issue (boundaries, victim) I mean I dumped people……just flat dumped them!!! Because I saw they wre not going to treat me any differently so it was **hasta la bye bye* ….with others I set boundaries, and I mean it!!!! I also know that “NO” is a one word sentence, if I see that it is called for….i ask for what I need….and I take responsibility for it……I take care of me…..without harming another creature….in our culture (Cherokee) it is fine to pursue your needs/ wants/ rights….but do not do not harm or insult another creature doing it!!!!!! I thank my hp I never ever want to intentionally harm another creature!!!! I will not entertain victim mode thoughts……when s*** happens, I discipline myself, I don’t allow the self defeater to bring up victim crap……I am not going there!!!! I am a big person now…..i am able to protect me……I am emotionally sober, and gaining my mental/ emotional health……so it’s a different ball game now……..thank you, rosie
Today, I will refuse to think, talk, speak, or act like a victim. Instead, I will joyfully claim responsibility for myself and focus on what's good and right in my life.
Thank you for this and your own comments. When I started in Alanon, I didn't understant the word "resentment." I felt like I had never felt it. Now I do.
The other word I don't understand yet is "victim." I'm learning what it means. It's a loaded word, and has been used to accuse, not in a loving manner.
I like your boundaries. I wouldn't have rented the suite to that lady. I'm not that strong around a forceful personality like that and they eventually wear me down. I'm not on my guard, and ready with the boundary replies. It takes me days to think of what I shoulda said. Once I have thought it out, I have the appropriate thing to say when the occasion for it comes up.
I had a couple women in a (non Alanon) regular meeting put me down in front of the other people in the meeting. I realized it was an expression that had been said to me in the same meeting a couple years previous by one of the women. It was, "Where've you been??!!" meaning they didn't think I had been paying attention in the meeting when I asked a question to clarify a point.
I felt so bad I wanted to cry and never attend a meeting again. It took me three days to process my feelings and come up with the appropriate response. I will say, "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't talk to me like that. I don't like it." If warranted, I will say it pleasantly and with a smile. I like both of these women, they are basically very nice people. I think it's an expression that has become an unconscious habit in their homes. I find it demeaning. When I'm with people who I know and trust, I'm not expecting them to make a demeaning comment, so I was caught off guard and wasn't prepared.
I work with small children and this is one of the main things we teach them - when someone does or says something to you that you don't like, you need to say "I don't like that. Please don't do that to me." I often find myself thinking, when I watch them learning to speak up for themselves in a firm but polite way - "Gee, why didn't anyone ever teach ME that?"
