The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have now realize I haven't reach my bottom, that is why I am putting up with this crap. I guess I think he will see the light and get help. I don't know why I put my self through all this stuff. Why I get so upset and physcial and mental drain when he takes my car. I feel my self losing it. I don't know what comes over me but I am like a different person. I really don't know what happens. I forget all the things I have learn in Alanon when I see the car is gone. I have bad anixty. I put myself through a hard time. My mind wonders thinking what could he be doing. What if he gets a DWI how will I get my car back. What if he goes to jail what will happen. Well he disappear for hours and then come home drunk and then start to fight. How will my day or I should say night turn out. I don't know why I do it. I guess it is because I love him I am not sure. I am hoping that I will hit bottom and then I will be able to move on and be able to make the decisions that I need to make. But right now I haven't hit bottom that is why I am just taking this stuff.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
We sure have a tendency to make things difficult, don't we? ( I am smiling ear to ear, to hear that someone is as confused as I can be)
You know, not everyone needs to hit a bottom. All i need is to wake up, and make the choice on how my day is going to be, and stick with that choice. I had to practice, as I would start up being resentful that I had to make the decision on how my day was going to be, but now I rejoice that I CAN make that decision. No matter how things go, I can choose my attitude. And because of that, I now have the ability to make smart, sound decisions about my future. I allow myself to feel the horrible feelings that are normal (or so I tell myself), however, I don't always let them rule my day, or my family.
Bottom is different to everyone. Maybe you are not to move on without him. I think all of us hope for our A to see the light and get better. We love them, and don't want to live without them.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if I did not love my husband. I wouldn't care, I wouldn't hurt and moving on alone would be easier, but who ever said life was easy.
Alanon is not about getting our loved one sober, or even getting away from them. It is learning to be happy with our own lives no matter what they are doing. Sometimes that does mean leaving them, but sometimes it doesn't.
Don't look to your bottom, look towards happiness.
Set boundaries that you can live with and use the tools of Alanon that will help make you happy.
I have been where you are and sometimes still slip back into old behaviors. It is so very hard after years of focusing on them, trying to make them see, thinking if they would only listen. A few months ago my A came home drunk and ready to fight. When I said I was going to leave and got my car keys, he said no.....he would leave. As he was standing in the driveway, I slipped and started telling him, I would call the police because he had been drinking and now was going to drive. My 18 yr old....said "mom, mom, look at me" when I looked at him, he said..."mom, just let him go"....I was quickly reminded of something somebody told me years ago with one of my older sons...."you have to let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions" so I decided that my son was right....I looked at my A and said okay...go.
I went back in the house and very gently shut the door. Well that messed him all up. He came back in the house and decided that he might need clothes if he was leaving. I went in the bathroom to gather my thoughts, the whole time he was getting his clothes, he kept saying....I am leaving...I responded very gently, with okay. He left and ended up spending the night at his parents, who don't support his lifestyle. I can't explain the relief that came over me when I stopped arguing with him long enough and realized that it was insame to make threats and feel paniced if he wanted to leave. I try to remind myself when things are tough to let go of that control. Put the focus back on me and remember that I can only control what I do, I can only change me.
We sure have a tendency to make things difficult, don't we? ( I am smiling ear to ear, to hear that someone is as confused as I can be)