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I really cannot describe how I feel right now because all of the emotions whirling through me. I guess I'm scared and tired and angry and I want to hide and run so bad.
My husband has been awake since Saturday. He has also been driving back and forth to LA twice so I have not seen him since Sunday Morning. But this morning he calls and tells me that he and his co-workers "tied on one" last night and they got in a fight in the motel room and he left DRUNK in the bigrig and ended up in the mountains. Even more insane is that he doesn't remember how he got there!!!!! I am so tempted to turn him in. That is so frigging scary and dangerous. He is out of control, I believe, has been for months, as you know if you have read my posts.
I heard what he said and just froze and didn't say a word. He is on his way home and I am scared. i don't want to see him, I don't want to be with him, I don't want to talk to him. I just want him to go away. I don't want my children near him.
My daughter had her counseling appt. yesterday and she let it all out and she remembers everything!!!!! Being naive or rather in denial, I thought that somefrickinghow my children don't know everything that is going on. That is such BS that I let myself believe.
I'm so depressed right now but Life must go on. I went for a walk and I'm going to go on doing what I need to do. I feel like this disease is squeezing the sanity out of me. I feel like I need to get out!!!!Anyway sorry so long and thanks for listening.
Ah, jeez, sounds like "one hour at a time" time. Maybe even "one minute at a time". I remember feeling like this - like I would just explode from all the emotions, and anxiety. This is the time I would often try to force the issue - make him have a 'talk' about whatever it was. However, for me anyway, it was never a good idea. I'm not very good at keeping to the point, keeping it civil, etc, when my emotions are so involved. I finally found that it was better to use some other way of getting rid of the pent up anxiety - hard physical work, intense excercise - and dealing with him once I was calm (well, calmer). It usually worked better. Hang in there, focus on yourself and your kids. We're here for you.
Lin0606, you have such a good and honest reply! God, the anxiety can be overwhelming! My mother in law (bless her heart) once told me that he is either going to die, or get home safely. You have no control over that! I hated her for that statement, but now, on the better side of sanity, she could have told me no wiser words!
browneyes, pray for sanity enough to make a decision, but first, take a look at the 11th step.
"Prayed for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out"
Maybe you are not supposed to do anything about this. Either way, ask God for help.
But he shouldn't be driving one of those big trucks drunk. Is the route between where he started and LA anywhere near WashDC? That's where I am and I'm going to give him wide berth if I see him coming. Anyway to restrict him since he thinks it's ok to drive drunk?
This is not to minimize your distress. I've been there too. Once the danger is neutralized, I urge you to find face to face meetings you can attend. You will find support that can help you find your balance. Take care Browneyes (I have brown eyes too and always liked the song "My Brown Eyed Girl" how about you?) --- Jill
Yes you hit the nail on the head. I love that song and that is why I chose my nickname to be that! One of my old boyfriends used to sing that song to me and i thought it was cute and it stuck.
Thanks to all of you for replying. I am calmer now and on my way to a meeting. He is home now and we are on the surface getting along. I may bring the subject up, I may not, he knows how I feel either way. That his behaviour is unacceptable to me. The point is...will he chose to do different? I doubt it. So if I cannot live this way, I will take the steps to make my life better with or without him.
What I like about your post is that your eyes are wide, wide open. That's a big step for anyone. That must really scare him that he drove a big rig up to the mountains and he doesn't remember how he got there. There's a speaker tape on this website from a guy who ended up in Europe and he didn't know how he got there. It scared the hell out of him.
Have you been to the face to face meetings in your city? This is the time to go.
I don't know if I would turn him in or not. Someone will sooner or later. Hope to God he doesn't kill someone. I stay away from big rigs as much as I can already.
