The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As with all of you I'm sure, the " whole story" would take a book, but I'll try to get to the point, which I'm not always good at.
I've stopped by here occasionally before to read posts, but after last night, this morning I felt I just had to register so I could post.
I've been married almost 14 years to an alcoholic husband, we have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 13. I too, wish what I had never let myself get involved with him since he was a drinker when I met him almost 25 years ago, but because of our two kids and because he is truly a sweet wonderful man when he is sober, I do love him. So, in that way I suppose I can't really say that I wish I hadn't married him.
My husband isn't physically abusive, but in the past year I'd say, he's become more and more verbally abusive. And he was never that way before, progression of the disease I know. And of course, he hardly ever feels good and has been depressed for so long. He has also progressed to more prolonged binge drinking which he is in the middle of now, he doesn't drink in the mornings and holds down a decent job. But as soon as he's off work, he's off to the bar in the little town where he works. He is, natch, referred to as one of the town drunks. He isn't in denial over the drinking, unless I'm really missing something. He has gone for help, totally admits to being alcoholic. He will not go to AA, he did once several years ago and says it's a load of crap. About three years ago he also went to a local program, not AA, but a similar thing, and he did really well for 99 days, lo and behold started drinking again on the 100th day. Looking back he said he realized he was getting too cocky about being off the booze and said the famous last words, I can do it myself. He tries to keep the abusive talk away from the kids, but naturally it seeps in, wheter or not he realizes it. And not matter what, he will say, he loves me and the boys more than anything. I believe he means it.
That is the background-
Last night was a really horrible night. He came home drunk as usual, bringing the inevitable brown bag of beer to last him till he could pass out. * I have to add here about my own health problems, I have high blood pressure and right now my electrolytes are out of whack and I'm feeling quite sick, have been for a couple of weeks. I have to sleep during the day or I can hardy make it through the day, and in the evenings I just conk out on the recliner about 9. Then I wake up about 4 am feeling exhausted but wide awake. I'm seeing my doctor again tomorrow about my latest blood tests and I have a feeling he may want to hospitalize me for 3-4 days to get things straightened out. This is actually been going on for almost two years, but it's kind of reached a peak now. And, my own vice is smoking which I must quit, there is NO doubt about it, it's making everything worse. Chronic bronchitis, etc. I will no longer be a smoker when I see the Dr. tomorrow, that's my commitment now.
So, to last night. hubs woke me up from my nap on the recliner about 11 PM and said we had to have a talk. He was busy telling me he knew how tired I was etc., but proceeded to give me hell about practically everything that's important in my life. He made fun of my crying, told me my dear doctor was nothing but a piece of crap, I'm sick all the time, kids are sick all the time ( one son has asthma and IBS ) the house is a crap hole. What the hell is there to come home for. You name it. Natch, he wanted sex too, which has been a boundary thing for us, and up to now he's basically been good about it, drinking, no sex. Until a couple of years ago I was the busiest bee you could have seen, keeping everything up, paying bills, loving my part-time work, loving the farm work. Lately when I've been feeling so crappy with this high blood pressure thing I just havent' been able to do as much. And natch, with all that comes the depression. I've usually been a happy person anyway, but last night and a few others like it have worn me down so bad, well, you know the rest. Last night I just felt like I had been beaten when I was down. hubs knows he has to stop drinking, in his words this morning, " I just can't seem to get it, it will come". But will it. He also said that last night he had just been frustrated and was venting. How can he think that hurting me like that is just a vent. I have never ever said anything THAT hurtful to him. If I ever started in on him like he did with me, I think I'd be screaming for hours. I used to be able to detach and carry on, I feel so worn down now I don't hardly know what to do. One thing I will always do it take care of the kids. And I take care not to talk badly about their dad, even though we have had lots of good talks about "dad's" drinking problem. At their ages now though, they are really angry with him and just wish he wouldn't come home when he's drinking. They don't say that much to him but still, they are really hurt and pissed off. my words, not theirs. They just can't count on their dad, although they love him dearly. They have sadly become used to him not being there for them. I know my husband doesn't want to hurt them, but he does and has no idea how much. Sorry for this being so long.
HI and welcome... you have come to a good place.... Your hubby is full of alcohlic-type of behavior, which is not at all surprising.... He would rather blame you, his upbringing, work, the price of gas, the goverment, the proverbial "price of tea in China" - before he would ever take responsibility and accountability for himself and his own actions. The fact that he mocks AA is another concrete showing that HE is not ready for recovery....
The bigger question is..... are YOU ready for recovery? Al-Anon is the place for you, to get YOU healthy to the point where you don't buy into his crud... you can and need to get healthy, regardless of what he chooses...
There is a wonderful saying....
He is either gonna drink, or he won't..... what are YOU gonna do?
Please choose recovery for yourself... you are VERY worth it!!
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you Tom. I was hoping someone would reply. I'm still sitting here with my eyes puffed up from crying. I have people I can phone, but I guess I'm just not in the right "place" for that this minute. I am choosing recovery. I'm Canadian too- Faith
Hi Old Faithful and welcome to MIP. After reading your post, a couple of things come to me immediately. You MUST see to your physical health. Your appointment with the doctor tells me you agree, but please get yourself physically straightened out so that you can afterward take mental care of yourself and see to the needs of your dear children. Then your emotional healing can begin, with visits to f2f Al Anon meetings in your area. You realize you cannot control your husband, but you can control YOU. We are all here to lend support. Come back often.
With great caring, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you Diva for such a kind reply. I really needed that. I have myself ready for the day and have to go in to see my husband at work, it's payday, and it's not something I look forward to, as most of the money will go to pay the bar tab. Even so, he will be glad to see me, I know. I'm still exhausted, and already looking forward to bedtime. sorta Just a chance to relax. faith
Hello Faith , so glad u posted here today. I hope u will consider going to Al-Anon meetings f2f for yourself. There is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself. Here u will learn to detach from his verbal outbursts and set boundaries for your relationship.
It's booze talking but it still hurts, booze takes the man we married and leaves us with someone we don't' recognise behind. The kids suffer right along with the rest of us. You will be amazed at how much better u feel physically after being in recovery for awhile , this damn disesae just saps all the strength we have. as u learn that your not t he reason he drinks, regardless of what he says. don't take that crap on he just needs to blame someone else for his behavior. WE are not powerfull enough to make them drink or stop.
Please find meetings and get your life back on track. do it for you and the kids. good luck Louise
Hi, glad you've found us, this is the right place for you. As the others have said, blaming you, knocking you, and then feeling sorry for it - it's all standard A behaviour. Try to think of it as a symptom of his disease - it's easier to take that way. At any rate, just because he blames you, YOU don't have to blame yourself. Take a clear look at things, take care of what is truly yours, don't worry too much about what he says.
I'm in central Alberta too; even if there is not an alanon meeting in your town, there will be one not too far away. Try to get to it, it is amazing how much it helps. Message me, if you want. I can give you some meeting times and locations if you are in the East Central area - Wainwright, Vermilion, etc.
Hi I am new here as well just a couple of days. I have found the support on this site amazing. Just reading what others are going through is healing in itself. My husband has the drinking problem. Yesterday I made an appointment for me with the Drug and Alcohol counsellor coming in to town. This is so I know what I am dealing with and how to take care of myself. At the moment the most important person is you. Get well and look after your needs then you are in a position to concentrate on your kids. We are all thinking of you.
I am so sorry that you are feeling down. I am also feeling rotten. My mom is an alcholic. I am only 13 years old but I have had a tough life. It is like watching them slowly kill themselves. If you ever need to talk you can send me a message
The best (and hardest) thing I ever learned were the three C"s
Didn't cause it
Can't Cure it
Can only Change Me!
I put my knuckles to the grind stone, sucked up some nast rage at the A, and after a few years I finally got it enough to be content, secure, and serene, even tho my hubby is still active, drinks at home, and is basically a "loser" to the outside world. I absoultely love him. His passion is contagious, As long as there is beer in the house (which I never get for him) and a bag of weed in his pocket, he is always home at night. If he plans to carouse, he asks if I mind, and sometimes, even if I do mind, he goes anyway, but at least he lets me know. I know where he is, I know what he is doing, and I relish the quiet evening. I will pick him up from the train late at night, but won't go get him from the place he is carousing at.
My kids have learned (6 and 7) that sometimes Dad doesn't come home till late, but I tell ya, since I stopped making a big deal, it has stopped being a big deal.
I know the disease is progressive, but just for today, I am content. He is who he is, and I am who I am. He loves the change, and it makes it more pleasant to be around me. In turn, I am so greatful that he is finally open and honest with me, that I have regained so much trust for him, and he in me.
Good Luck, find something in the program to hold onto. Just one thing. WHen you think you have it mastered, ask a sponsor for their opinion, then find another thing to master.
This program is awesome. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
Aron thank you for your lovely thoughts. I read a previous post of yours, your update. I admire your courage and can feel the love you have for your husband coming right through in the post. As you can imagine, I'm not nearly at the point where I can even imagine feeling as your do, thinking of eg. beer breath..not bothering me! I have such a long way to go.
My hubs didn't come home last night and it was much more peaceful here, with the kids and all. But I did call him at work today and remind him that I have a late appt. with the Dr. and it's possible I could be in hosp for a couple of days to regulate my electrolytes. He gave me his word as opposed to promises ( which mean nada ) that he would be home and sober with the kids. His word is his honour, I've found, something about his dad and his word, it goes way back before I came along. Anyway, I can at least go in for the appt today and not worry. Faith
Just myself again posting, HA! I forgot to mention something in that last post. I have to admit to a feeling I have about the possible hospitilization, and that is, although in my heart I would really rather recover from the electrolyte imbalance ( low sodium chloride and potassium ) at home, my mind says, hospital! hospital! I was in hosp in April when it was first discovered that I had hypertension, was in about a week, and I have to tell you I don't know when I ever felt I had it so good. What a horrible thing to say, I know. I know it was the total abdication of responsibility. And of course it's a local rural hospital, small, but with excellent doctors and nurses. They also seem to have the ability to keep you in as long as they have to as a rule. So, essentially, I was spoiled rotten. Kind of like a rest cure thing. Now, I'm am NOT going to in any way push to be put in, but I'm thinking now that in some way I should use the experience now- (which I never thought of before ) to learn something from the way I felt in there. Safe, secure, and cared for. As opposed to always feeling in a panic here at home. I know I'm a wife and mom and have certain reponsibilities that must be met, but it's the time for me, without guilt that I need to think of. Talking to my husband about this won't really work, even though I have in the past, re: taking time for me without feeling guilt and panic, and he has always agreed, when sober, but when drunk, of course, it's thrown back at me. I have to work on that, for sure, not taking it to heart. The tension and stress of all of this especially in the past couple of years has taken it's toll and I know it's part of why I'm in the physical boat I'm in now. So, a learning thing. thanks again to all Faith
If you've got a guilt free chance to take a break, Lord knows you need it, living with an A. You're right - your feelings when away from him are telling you something, listen to them. Looking back on my life, I can identify so many times when I knew something, but chose to ignore my feelings, push them to the background, and live in denial instead.
When my second child was born, I ended up going into the hospital again for a week when she was about seven weeks old - a combination of post partum depression, some general health trouble, and, I see now, a desperate need to escape my home for some peace. Health care workers recognized pretty quickly that my main problem was my home life, and tried to get me some help, but I refused to see any way out. We ended up going to a counsellor for a while, all the time never mentioning the words 'drinking' or ''drugs'. Of course, with both my husband and me lying to the counsellor the whole time, it didn't do much good. Proof, to me at the time, that counselling "doesn't work"(!) Sometimes I just have to shake my head - what was I thinking!?
