The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"My husband was not the sole cause of our troubles. I had been denying that my illness was deeply affecting our marriage."
"If I am experiencing difficulty in a relationshiop, the root cause may be in my alcoholic upbringing. Once I find that root, I can use the Steps to weed it out"
The difficulty I am feeling in our marriage rightnow (and actually for some time) is lonliness and yearing for emotional intimacy and "spousal" communication.
Growing up in the home that I did-I was a kid who craved love. I wanted to feel "special" I was the one who learned to give and didn't receive. Over time, I felt my needs weren't important. I learned to keep my feelings bottled up until they came out in an emotional upset. Feeling that I could always bend so not to upset others or feeling I should be the one to adapt. Mistaking my wants/needs as not important because people were "good."
I carry that to my marriage. Sitting in my skin is at times sad and lonely, putting myself on the back burner because my A. is a good man. Thinking I should adapt because he can't give me what I need. Feeling that he loves me and that I should be grateful for the even when I try to tell him I need more.
Hanging on...multiple chances, expecting he will see what is important to me and try. Not wanting to make decision for myself because I am afraid. Sometimes it seems easier just to settle.
I find myself at times "wishy-washy", changing my mind often and not chosing, not taking action and making changes for myself. I quiet myself. Ignore my feelings, feeling that someone else has more say than me. Being too toleratable and not putting my foot down and standing up for myself. Blaming him, yet not seeing my responsibility in the situation. Almost waiting at times for him to slip up so that I can use that as an excuse for my actions.
Yes, I guess my childhood baggage is effecting the here and now. My wants/needs are not extraordinary-I feel that they are relatively simple. Facing reality and accepting reality is difficult for me. Speaking up for myself and holding that ground is very foreign to me. I need to learn how to do this.
Wow I so relate to the childhood baggage and to your story SQ! I too grew up in alcoholic family and as a child seeked love, approvel and giving love but never receiving love back!
I too feel loney and sad in my own skin!
My husband (acoa) as well as me being (acoa) don't have a good relationship because i too feel lonliness and yearing for emotional intimacy and (spousal) communication! i have come to realize that my husband is in complete denial about his own alcoholic childhood background and really doesn't know how himself to have a intimate relationship with me and that is very sad!!!
But I keep working on me one day at a time and work my program and weed out all the childhood cargabage that has been stuffed in me for years and i will be come to love me and that will be all that matters and the things that mean the most to me I will do for me It doesnt matter what others thinks anymore.
I too am afriad to step out and make changes in my life because I don't trust my self that I can make a good decision so I wait for others to make the decision for me and that too is very sad I get mad when i see others just go out there and get what they want and I feel so trapped in my own body scared frighten that is the way i was raised in my alcoholic home!
I must say that as I work my program I am seeing small changes in me!
SQ thanks for your heart felt share I can so relate to you !!!
Thanks so much sq you have helped me so much in recovery and I don't feel so alone!!
i can sooo relate to this post.....i never had my needs/ wants met growing up either.......in fact i was stripped of them.....i did not count....i exhisted for my abusers devient desires or as a baby sitter to my drunken mother......either way.....i got ZERO out of life as far as my needs and wants being met
this carried forward to my adult life.....the rage/ the resentment that life **robbed me blind* that i was always getting the **short end of the stick*
i looked outside for my love/ acceptance/ getting my needs met.....i used manipulative measures....temper tantrums......manipulating....out right lying.....anything, but the truth/ looking at me
now i look to me to meet my needs....i do that with boundaries....i take care of me.....i be nice to me.....i had a bad slip with the self abuser the other night....so i got up the next day after meets/ sharing/ etc, working the program and i forgave me for my slip......bottom line is me.........i am my rescuer....i am the source of my love/acceptance/getting needs met......oh sure, i go to others for help when i need it, but if they are unable/ unwilling to take care of my needs????? i go elsewhwere......i go to my sponser....group sharing......literature......another trusted/safe person........
i know i am gonna need help.....but the slogan says **let it begin with me* there is a reason for that slogan.....i know that i am my own bottom line.....all things begin with my **looking within*...it radiates out from there ......i have what i need.........i got me....i got my hp....i got my inner child........yes there are times i crave human companionship, like a mate,,,,but if it isn't in my life yet???? that means i need to **get with me* better.....or, there just may not be anyone!!!! so as i love me/ be able to reach out....i will have family/ friends, etc......i will meet my needs with the help/guidence of my **christ within*......please take what works...leave the rest......
