well, i guess whether people are interested in what i share or not, i'm going to keep sharing, cuz it's helping.  my a just got done with ANOTHER one of his weeks of 5 weeks of vacation a year,  and i have been AMAZED at how i have not engaged in the things he does when he is on vacation.  usually his vaca's end up with me sleeping on the couch, cuz i just get so irrate at his behavior that i just can't stand being near him.  i dont know why, but this time, most of his @#$% has rolled off my back, at least for the most part.  i actually marvel at myself when i find myself not being so full of hate and vengence like i usually do.  sure, i got mad a few times, but i am so surprised at how quickly i would just let it go.  and get this...he lost $600  gambling, plus never missed a day at the bar..we have literally no food in the house, he won't get a check for 2 weeks because he took all his vaca pay when he was fired for a month last march for a dui, ALL the bills are overdue (the house payment alone is now at a couple thousand due), and i STILL have been able to be civil with him!  and i tell, you, i have no idea why i've been able to do this.  whatever it is, i love it, and i hope it lasts! 

i bring in minimal income at this time, because i have been home with our son until he is in school full-time.  with this limited income, i have my own bills and my own needs to pay for, since my a never gives me a dime.   i am looking for a job, now, tho, and have a real promising prospect right now.  my point is, on my limited income, i have been stashing a little at a time, actually for the purpose of being able to cover my own needs, but since i've been doing this, i have a little extra.  i emphasize "little".  and under the circumstances of my a blowing all his money, all i can do is at least get some food.  but he is telling me i better be prepared to pay the bills that won't get paid because of him blowing it all.  i told him, even if i could, i wouldnt do it.  i am not going to rescue him from his addictions and how they affect our finances.  i also told him, maybe if he treated me with respect, i would feel some respect for him, and maybe a sense of obligation to help out, but since he has never treated me with respect, i don't feel one bit obligated to help him. not to mention how strongly i feel that i refuse to rescue him.  he said, 'we're supposed to be a team.'  i said, 'yes, we are.  but we arent.  and we never have been.  i am a single parent, and you are never available as a husband or father.'  anyway, to summarize it, he knows he's falling farther and farther down, he knows i won't rescue him, and i think it's a good thing. 

he said, 'if i cut off my right arm, you'd still sit there and not help me.'  i said, 'you ARE cutting off your right arm!  you are doing it to yourself.  and if we lose everything we have, if it would make you reach your bottom, it would all be worth it.'  he got absolutely silent after that, and when i got up and went in the other room for a minute, when i came back, he had silently gone to bed.  he knows he has absolutely screwed himself.  i really don't think he cares that he has also screwed our son and me, but he knows he has screwed himself.  he needs money in a couple weeks to get his regular license back, and he thinks i should give it to him (he drives for a living).  if he can't get it back, he says he will lose his job.  first of all, i don't HAVE  the kind of money he needs to get his license back, and secondly, i wouldnt do it anyway.  yes, he has a job that pays awesome money.  we shouldn't be hurting financially in any way whatsoever, even with me not working.  but because of his drinking and gambling and irresponsibility with money, we live like paupers.  i would HATE to see him lose his job, but it's his mess, not mine (well, it's my mess, too, but not my responsibility, i don't think). 

 but in all honesty, i AM afraid of what's going to happen. i mean, there just will NOT  enough money to even get CLOSE to catching us up on bills.  i AM afraid, in one way, but i know if worst came to worst, i have family that would help our son and myself survive.  if it DOES come to us losing everything, man, that would suck big time.  but if that's what it takes, that's what it takes.  cuz it's going to take something HUGE for this man to reach his bottom.  i mean HUGE!  and i would so love for him to wake up and realize his potential and how much of the blessings in his life he is missing out on.  man, if there's something i can find to love about him NOW, how much more would i find if he would face his addictions?

anyway, just wanted to rant again.  sorry i haven't been replying to anyone else's posts.  i just get on here when i need to vent myself.  altho i have been doing more volunteer work at my son's school, and reaching out to family members that are struggling right now, and that is really energizing me and helping me feel more human. 

thanks for listening....again.  i am so glad for this place.

here's to hope!

lori