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Hi... this is my first post here, but have attended several online meetings. Thought some of you might be able to give insight or direction... My dilemma is this...
My A has been sober for 8 months, goes to AA meetings, meets with a therapist, as do I.
We've been married for 6 yrs, and its been rough. I love him, but did not know as I do now that he has lots of issues around dealing with conflict, or solving communication difficulties. As everyone knows, marriage takes work, and working through issues is part of it. I have tried over and over to figure him out, but all I am left with is that he fights or take flight. He is still angry alot, and I am always trying to duck and weave. Although sober, he still acts as angry as he did when he was drinking.
We are now separated, but living in the same household. Go figure. How does that work you might ask? It doesn't very well. For two months we have been tip toeing around each other, not sleeping in the same bed... and still co-managing the business. Talking about the Katrina crisis, his daughter, my daughter, which bills to pay... that's about it. Ugh... sounds so stupid. But it's not... for me... I have been detaching the only way I know how... and that is to work on me, read Al-anon lit, go to the chat room, and read these posts. Not talk, or discuss, our relationship or where it's going because I just can't, CAN'T, right now. I'm still so damn scared of him, and his outbursts, etc... craziness! I hit bottom 2 months ago, and said..." I can't figure this out, I'm not your therapist, I love you, but I can't live like this any longer!
I guess I should just be happy that he's sober... isn't that what we all want. I want him to be happy, but as his addiction escalated things were said, and done, and life got very centered around me trying to figure out how to fix the relationship. I'm done fixing. I feel like the marriage is dying slowly, and I know what to do to fix it but.... I don't want to jump back into the cyclical patterns... it makes me crazy.
So... the dilemma... He wanted to talk tonight about what I wanted to do. He had five minutes to get out the door to work.. Um... I replied that "I don't think that it would be possible to talk about this now." He WANTED to talk. I walked away as I felt my heart beating faster... and he followed me. Boundaries, Fear of the Future, were the topics tonight at the online meeting. I was now in the walkin closet, with the door shut, telling myself that one of my boundaries was not to react, or engage if I felt threatened. He drove away upset... several cell phone calls later... and a long message, I still haven't called him back. I can't... I don't feel safe. I know that I continue to turn this over to my HP, but I still have to deal with this sooner or later. I don't feel safe anymore, without some kind of a buffer. He's not physically abusive, but boy can he verbally let me know that I'm the one who's wrong.
I don't know where to go from here. He wants to talk. He wants to be intimate. I'm sort of stuck. I purposly have not written about all of the past sh-- that has occurred in my marriage... what's the point. I don't want to hold grudges... I just want to get well. I cried my eyeballs out tonight in the 0nline meeting, mo123 is my name there, and now feel like it's time to address the obvious. How do I talk to my husband? How do I stay safe and keep my boundaries? We have 8 months left on our current lease. We make good money, but moving out and breaking the lease to really separate is not something I want to do to the landlord. We sold our house 4 months ago... I was still in the mode of fixing the marriage then so signed a year lease. Bone Brain. Ugh.
O.K. Enough of this wallowing in my self pity. Anyone please respond...
Sounds like he's just looking for a pat on the back for staying sober. I know I desperatly wanted one from my wife at that point in my sobriety. If he's anything like me, he's starting to feel things for the first time in a long time and its scary as hell. I wanted so badly to make up to her all the awful things I said and did over the years. All I wanted at that point from my wife was to hear her say she loved me and that she would be there for me and everything would work out. She didn't have it in her and I felt rejected and kept my distance to keep from being hurt more by her. I know she didn't understand what I was going through and I sure didn't know what she was going through, except she was still angry. She insisted she understood and I should also because she tried to explain it to me. I told her "It's like we are on two separate paths both going in the same general direction, the problem is there is a huge wall between those path at the moment and neither one of us can see what the other one is going through. There is no communication through the wall. That is our basic problem and nothing can be fixed unless we understand this."
I asked her the next day if my she understood my analogy about the paths and trouble communicating. She said "Yeah, you said we are on the same path going the same place and I don't agree with it." Guess that's why we are divorced a year and half later.
If you love your husband, hang in there and realize you're BOTH going through a lot right now. You are BOTH going to make a lot of mistakes with each other, and tend to blame each other. Remember that the healing takes time and just putting down the drink does not magically cure either one of you. Practice forgiveness of each other and of yourselves. If you can, sit down and try to open up and admit your own faults to each other without blaming or pointing fingers at the other. Use the therapist for this. This isn't easy to do but it might break down some of those walls and make each of you feel safer. Make a gratitude list and go over it together.
Hang in there, I'd hate to see another divorce in sobriety.
Hello Serenity, You don't say if your going to meetings f2f for yourself , u need support in sobriety too actually I found sobriety difficult at first , and went to more meetings hehe. I lovingly refer to the early days of sobriety as the A being Stark Raving Sober. it will pass.
Tell your husb how u feel , about the intamcy part of your relationship ask for a little time and patience on his part, be respectful but honest u do it for you. Don't worry about his drinking again because regardless of what u say or do we are not powerful enough to make them drink again.
I try to remember to say what I mean , mean what I say but don't be mean when saying it. We have an awsome book actually two of them that helped me alot, the Dilema of the alcoholic marriage probably saved my marriage especially the chapter on communication and the other book was Living with Sobriety. so much good stuff there. good luck and remember that This Too Shall Pass. Louise
One thing that I learned a couple of years ago when I worked in a detox is that when the A is in recovery, the first year is the hardest. When the A stops drinking/drugging, they no longer have their crutch to numb the pain and they realize they actually have to deal with themselves/others responsibility and that can be scary. If they are working a program, they have taken their inventory and may feel angry/guilty/scared because they realize some of the behavior they had while drinking/using.
Have you tried planning your talk like a meeting? Maybe set a day and time to talk. If each of you know ahead of time when you are going to talk, you can both come prepared. If talking to him is very scary, you may want to sit down when you are not feeling so emotional and write him a letter expressing your fears, concerns and expectations.
Can you both meet with the therapist together to discuss things?
Keep coming back. I can feel your pain and fear through your posting. I remembered thinking that if my husband would leave the drugs alone everything would be perfect. They were better, but then I realized I was married to a stranger because I didn't really know him.
