The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those that have followed my story here's an update.
As most of you know my husband has been seeking sobriety for 6 months. He has mostly failed and has been on very long binges, no work and been pretty unavailable to myself, his family and his small children.
He is sober 18 days now. He has been home although I have filed divorce. He has been working so hard around the house, so helpful and caring with the children, cooking, cleaning, pretty much the perfect husband. He seems so sorry for the past six months--I'm sure he is. I am appreciating the help and so happy for the children and we are acting like a family again.
He is attending IOP, seeing a psychiatrist who has placed him on an antidepressant and "anticraving" med, and AA.
So what's the problem you may ask?? How can I believe or trust him?? I would love to think that this behavior will last but I can't. I have not even told my attorney that he is staying here. I can't help feeling that he will take off again, hurting me and the children.
I think my attorney will be contacting me any day now to ask how to serve my husband the divorce papers. What should I do then?
you can always choose to "do nothing", at least for awhile.... why not wait it out awhile, and see if his 'good behavior' is temporary, or if he is committed to his sobriety?
Time will tell, and you can continue to work on you in the meantime..
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'd like to know how to trust too. But right now for me there's no trusting. He was sober for 9 years and started back up a couple of months ago. He said last week that he understands he cant drink and is not drinking anymore, but has drank twice since. I want to divorce him. I REALLY want to go.
I dont know how my response is helpful. I guess after him being sober for 9 years, i dont trust him now.
My experience has taught me not to trust, not to untrust. It doesn't matter.
Alcoholism is a disease. No one knows what a disease might do to someone. A's get sober, relapse, go to rehab, relapse, get sober. etc, etc. etc. It is the nature of the disease.
If someone feels they need to trust something, then trust that the disease has several symptoms. A big one is nothing is consistant, relapse, rehab, lies, sobriety, trust that no one, not even the A, knows what the disease will come up with next.
This is what makes focusing on our own inventory so important. When we "watch" and or "wait" for the A, it can only make us sick. We have to learn not to react to anything they do. It is their disease not ours.
I know some are thinking well yes it is my business, I have to live with him. The truth is the 3 Cs. Ya cannot control it, ya did not cause it and you cannot cure it. So it is NOT
anyones business but the A's. We cannot do anything anyway.
For me, i stay married, he has been here back and forth. Divorce would not help me, as I love him and always will. he is my husband, a part of me. I did not see him for ten years, still loved him. I don't even think about his illness. If I want to see him, I will call and ask him to come out. It matters not to me if he is sober, drunk whatever. I want to see him, I don't care about the disease.
It just happens to come with him. I have learned he is always nice to me. It changed when I stopped reacting to anything he does or says when he is drunk or whatever.
And if the disease is more than i can be around, i give him a kiss or hug and go lay down or play with my animals, do dishes, whatever.
I don't care that the disease might say I don't give a sh**. becuz i know my A being held prisoner inside does not feel that way. i might even say, oh i know ya do.
If the disease complains, i might say in a funny way, sucks to be you.
But one thing i do now, I grab his hand and hold it, I hug him a lot. I touch his face a lot. Becuz I used to back away, run away, not want to even look at him. Now i see a scared little boy inside this mans body, and god I love him so.
I can sort of relate to your situation. The difference is my wife waited until I was sober almost a year before she got a lawyer. She held off on having the papers served for 4 months, but it felt like living under an ax ready to fall. I was sober and really working hard to recover. The pressure of the pending lawsuit really strained our relationship, I lost all faith in her and our wedding vows. Your situation is different because you filed while he was still active. Will recovery be enough for you to stay with him? If not go ahead and have him served and get it over with. I was hoping that by staying sober, my wife would eventually come around and stop the divorce so we could work on the relationship again. I didn't realize till later it didn't matter what I did. She already had a boyfriend and was super critical of me so she could place the blame of the divorce on me. It didn't matter what I did. I was doing the grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. but she found fault with all of it. Of course now I, along with my family and friends, see through her manipulative selfish behavior. I'm divorced a month now and still bitter over what she did to me and our kids, but I have to accept it and move on. Sober.
I use to tell my husband that I knew when he was going to addict before he did. He would have this routine of being nice, being helpful, and then off he went. Who knows what your husband will do - only the disease knows. He is powerless and so are you. I think it is ok to make the decision to divorce and then change your mind for the benefit of your family. It sounds like you are setting boundaries which should help.
I wouldn't worry about it too much. Frankly, if you WERE trusting already again, there would be something wrong with your self protective instincts. He will either continue to get better, keep working his program, grow and change - or he won't. If he does, great. If he doesn't, you'll know soon enough. No point in anticipating it, punishing him in advance, etc. Take what joy is there for you in every day, leave tomorrow's grief for tomorrow. You may wake up five years from now, with him still sober, and realize that trust has come back on its own, because he really has changed. He may drink again tomorrow, or you may find a year from now that you really don't like the man he is sober, and decide to leave anyway.
I also think it's important to remember that NOBODY comes with guarantees - alcoholics and non alcoholics alike. Sober people's marriages break up, too. All we can do is to live each day to the fullest, and love as best we can.
My husband stopped drinking, smoking, and drugs, all at once, for eighteen yrs, then as suddenly as he stopped, he started again. Last yr was really hard for me, I spent most of my time in the evenings in the car waiting for him to go to sleep. I was totally freaked out, I've always had to have a plan B in case plan A failed, with all the drinking lying, etc. I couldn't come up with plan A much less plan B. totally out of my element. I am learning to take one day at a time, not buy into all the craziness, and just be. hard but it can be done. With God all things are possible.
I needed to read that simple sentence..thanks megan.
I have "trust issues" myself...my A. is a little over a month dry. Of course we are still dealing w/the "ism" though. Something that I am trying to give time to.
Just this morning before he left for work he told me he may be working 10 hours today. If he works that long of a day, he said he can make a meeting after work since it is close to where he will be. My mind rushed in a million directions but my mouth simply said "that would be nice". I can't trust his words right now....I'll believe it when I see it.
I have found as I work on "me" I can trust me, my feelings, my intution. Before, I couldn't trust my own "gut" instinct. I am working hard on me and am starting to believe in myself again, therefore trusting in what I feel....hang in there, keep up your work.
Hugs Mary
Note: worrying is like a rocking chair, it keeps us busy but doesn't get us anywhere.....LOL
