The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you all for responding to my post. It means so much to be able to have that support! There is so much that I don't know. The best thing I could have done is find this site.
He's in bed because he stayed out with his friends all night. I'm at the computer bawling. There is something so WRONG about this picture.
He won't go to AA, he went to one meeting and came home and said "now I remember why I quit going in the first place". He has no spoken intention of going back. He hasn't used his sponsor for so long that he doesn't even have one anymore. His "sobriety" he promised lasted four days. The ironic thing is I was secretly scard for him to get sober again, the shift of change, the unanswered questions. Now I hate him that he is drunk again. I want him to be "normal" as much as he wants that for himself. I hate addiction. It has ruined my life. I just want to live with a healthy balance of everything. Dreamer huh?
You hit the nail on the head I'm just as sick as he is and I need recovery too. I have been focusing all my energy on him and his drinking and getting him well for so long, I don't have anything left for myself. I'm probably more screwed up than he is. Besides his drinking and ME, his life is great.
I think (scard to say "I know") I need to move out. This relationship isn't healthy for anyone and it isn't helping either of us at this point. I don't have the strength of that love like Louise did. I'm far more selfish than that. I need more out of a relationship than hope.
I'm so paralyzed by fear that I'm scard to go. Part of it is pride. Actually, some days I'm surprised he hasn't asked me to go. I'm not adding anything of worth to his life. He bearly gets hung over, so he goes to work or whatever he needs to do. He makes all the money, does anything he wants, owns the majority of what we have, ect. His name is even on the papers for the dogs (oh God, that's the worst, they are our kids). If I left, his life wouldn't change, except he would have to do his own laundry and clean his own house. His life wouldn't suffer at all. In fact it would probably be a blessing for him if I left. I wonder if he's just to scard to say the words.
Why are either one of us doing this to ourselves?! Maybe we're both to prideful to admit we've failed. Sometimes I think after you cross a preverbal line, you can't go back. I know if we went back to meetings together (we used to, and it was wonderful) we would have a chance, but he won't go. If I have to live alone (without a partner) and wait for the good days to appear, than I might as well just really be alone.
"I think (scard to say "I know") I need to move out. This relationship isn't healthy for anyone and it isn't helping either of us at this point. I don't have the strength of that love like Louise did. I'm far more selfish than that. I need more out of a relationship than hope."
I agree with you, we surely are more sick than they are, we have a sickness of unhealthy love. What you said (above) is so dichotomous... I know it is difficult for us to understand. True love, love of the self, seems selfish to a (sick) co-dependent. I suppose as women, we are conditioned to sacrifice ourselves. But in an airplane, we must first put on our own Oxygen masks. We must first love ourselves to love others.
To me, hope is everything... I have had little hope for myself or anything in 20 years. And why do I hope so much for my dad to recovery when I am not hoping for myself? Why is forgiving myself so difficult. I feel like a loser for loving the A's in my life. I am losing when I neglect myself. Surely they never consider us, I pray for one iota of that selfishness that I may learn to place enough value on myself, that I would think of myself first.
I am no better than them, if I just recklessly abandon myself for a person that also has abandonned themselves.
I know I have a lot of love... God help me to focus on me.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It is all awful stuff Jersey, and what you are going through is painful.... Al-Anon, and a focus on YOUR recovery, will help you clear your head, and see things as they are (as opposed to how you might want them to be). The decision to stay or leave is always a very individual one... YOUR recovery will help you get into a better mindspace, to be able to make that decision....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I hear your pain as well as that of Kitty's. Sending you both an immense amount of love and prayers.
The fact that you are here is a sign that you know you need help. You are not completely broken, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Kitty is right there is always hope. There has to be. It's what keeps us going. The same week I lost my Mom to a brain tumor, I lost a good friend to a car accident, and a colleague of mine to suicide. He called me 10 minutes before he died. When I lost my Dad, I lost my favorite uncle for no reason other than God wanted him to come home, and my cousin to cancer. Again all within a week of each other. Talk about being broken. Hope was the only thing I had left. It couldn't get any worse right?
I know it's hard. You know the sound I hated the most in the morning? It was my A at 6am opening a beer can. You can't make them get better. I say this with a great deal of love, even if he was to start getting better, what about you? If that day comes that he's ready what about you? Don't wait for him to get better. Don't fool yourself into thinking that if he starts getting better, you'll be better.
His sobriety and your recovery are 2 separate issues. You can't make him better and he can't make you better by being sober. They are up to each of you. You have to want you recovery more than life itself. It is about taking back your life and getting strong. Nobody says that in orde to start your recovery you have to move out first. For many that may be the answer. Maybe the first step is getting yourself to a meeting, and gaining the skills neccessary to take care of you. Strength comes little by little and moment by moment.
Take care of yourself. Don't ever give up hope.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Please, please, please I beg you to remove the word "FAILURE" from your vocabulary. I'm not being trite about this. The negative connotations that word has is beyond comprehension.
To be by saying "I failed at ..... (you fill in your own)" implies that there is nothing more to do. There's always another alternative way to take things on. You know what? If my A and I don't work out, we didn't fail. At that time and point maybe we were both doing the best we could. Maybe we're not suppose to be.
Words have meaning. If you tell someone that they're a failure or stupid or whatever, and they've heard it long enough. We start to believe it. I refuse to believe that I'm a failure at anything. Maybe I've done some things that I shouldn't have. Maybe my A and I have made some mistakes along the way. Well, I guess I'm human. If you tell yourself that you're a failure because your A drinks and you didn't do all you think you should have for your relationship, then you're going to have a harder time getting past things.
You have no idea how by removing such a simple word from your vocabulary can change your perspective on things. There is not one person who comes to this page, that I truly believe is a failure at anything. Bad choices may have been made, and will continue to be made by all of us. But it's not failing. It's learning from our mistakes and moving on.
Okay, enough of the lecturing (bad habit of mine leftover from my university days).
Love and prayers to all of you.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think the key is that we are powerless over alcohol. None of the logic makes sense. Why not go to AA when there are so many testimonials that it works? Why do we cry buckets and they never even shed a tear or even know that we are crying?
I asked my husband why he didn't go back to AA. He said that it didn't work, that nothing works. He moved out and sits there thinking that a bolt of lightening is going to hit him on his head. This guy is sober!
We don't have to do the emotions for them and us. We have to try to pull ourselves out and let their higher power take over. None of this has been easy for me because of the power of addiction that wants to take everyone down with the A.
Easy it does it and try to take it one day at a time and one issue at a time. Neither one of you have failed. Your life isn't over and I am sure that your higher power has much more in store for you!
Take your dogs for a walk - a long walk and stop someplace private and pet them and hug them and cry in their fur and they will still love you unconditionally....
