"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

chrissy · Senior Member

its now 7:56 am and he did it again he never came home

Tammy · Senior Member

Oh, Chrissy.. I am so sorry for your pain. One thing that I have learned with Alanon is that you DIDNT CAUSE IT.. I use to think that if I loved him more he wouldnt drink. If I was thinner he wouldnt drink, if if if if... Well, I learned that NOTHING I can do will make him quit drinking only HE CAN..

I also learned not to threaten unless we were willing to follow thru.. For YEARS I did that .. I said leave, no dont leave.. Stop or else, he didnt stop I yelled and threatened but nothing... They were empty threats and only made matters worse.

Starting over is really hard. I left my husband after 19 years last week and am not planning to go back UNTIL he gets SOBER.. I understand that it maybe NEVER, and that hurts.. I am fortunate I have a good job and can support myself and my children. During this time I have leaned on my family.. Not financailly but emotionally.. Do you have anyone you can lean on ? This is really hard for you. Try to remember your husband has a disease.. It wasnt his intention to stay out all night he probably thought I will just grab one for the road.. It sucks them in.. I know that really doesnt make you feel better but I had to hear that again for myself.

My only advise is to lean on your family as much as they can bear.. I am sorry I dont have great advise but just know that you are not alone..

hugs to you and your daughter..

Tammy

sg · Senior Member

(((chrissy)))

I'm so sorry. Yes, remember, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. I don't know about you, but for me, I like to know reasons. We do so much self reflecting at times, trying to figure out the reasons why we act certain ways, or why we do certain things. Sometimes there just isn't any reasons why our A's do what they do other than they are sick.

First things first..take care of yourself. Find the help and support that you need. My suggestion is go to a meeting f2f where you will find those that have the same experience that you are going thur. Get support and try to find suggestions from those that have walked in your shoes. Now is the time to focus on YOU and your daughter.

I know exactly how frustrating and frightening thinking of finances can be esp. when facing living on your own. There is a possibility I will be in the same boat soon. I have found that there are many programs out there to help w/low cost housing. If you really mean what you said and you want him gone (say what you mean and mean what you say..something I am learning to do), take it to prayer to your HP and start doing to footwork to find help where you live. Make some calls tomorrow morning.

You and yours are in my prayers.

megan · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Chrissy

You have some great replies here.

the 3 C's of alanon are you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it and you can't CONTROL it.

Great reminders.

Alcoholism is a DISEASE. Your husband is very very sick. The recovery for the disease is to NOT DRINK.

Alcoholics not in recovery drink, it is what they do.

Alanon teaches us to take care of ourselves. It is all that we have control over.

Please try to focus your energy on you and your daughter.

have you heard of HALT?
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired.

It sounds like you are all of them.

Time to take care of your basic needs

((((((Chrissy)))) -Hugs

hang in there. keep coming back, it will get better

In recovery

megan

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Your story sounds so familiar. When I was mad at him, and in despair, who did I punish? Why, myself, of course. I didn't eat, or I overate. I didn't sleep. I sat around crying, I isolated myself, I worked myself to exhaustion. I did some really stupid things, - ran out into thunderstorms with no coat, I remember once going out onto the balconey in the middle of the winter, six inches of snow, in my bare feet, wailing into the wind....
All of this, in an effort, I think, to show him how much he was hurting me. To show him that the situation was desperate. Sometimes, just because I was in such despair, so unhappy, that I was truly crazy.
And, you know what? Mostly, he didn't even notice. When he did notice, he just used it all as another excuse to drink. Because - his drinking was not about me. He drank because he was an alcoholic. I could just as well have been taking care of myself and my kids for all that time that I spent in agony and despair, and it would have made no difference to his drinking. I could have been eating healthy meals, excercising, reading to the kids and doing puzzles with them, going for walks, seeing friends... I could have been living a life.
When I did make those healthy choices (I wasn't ALWAYS crazy, just sometimes), his drinking was not less. However, because I was happier with my life, we fought less. When he came home three hours late for supper, and found, instead of an angry woman full of reproaches, his supper in the fridge, the house clean and tidy, and me and the kids off for an evening jaunt to the playground and an ice cream on the way home, chances were he would not start anything ugly. Now, this was not me walking on eggshells, fearing to say anything for fear of his reaction - it was me living the only life I had, to the best of my ability. The result was, life for all of us was better. Not perfect, just better.
Looking back now, with the kids almost grown and my husband sober, I bless every time I chose to live my own life, and not worry too much about him. I regret so much all the anguish that I, to some extent, put MYSELF through.
I hope this helps you, it is just what happened to me. You will make your own choices.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh sweet Chrissy,

I am way out of my league when it comes to answering this one.

Just allow me to wrap you in ((((hugs))) and send all the love

and prayers

your way. I know it's so hard for you. Just don't give up. There is hope even if you can't see it. Stay with us. We'll help you all we can.

Live strong,
Karilynn

chrissy · Senior Member

thank you its not easy i just told my cousin i could not afford her wedding & i told her my problem and she wants me and my daughter to come anyway.she said we are family and i want you to have a good time. i cant face my brother yet hes going to flip since he gave my husband one more chance .i live above him. oh my god he just took out 200.00 more our bank account has 300.00 dollars left and i just paid the bills . i am so screwed

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Chrissy, I am sorry that you are in such pain. Are there Al Anon meetings near you? If so, please attend. You need to help Chrissy so very badly.

Remember this Chrissy: His drinking is something that you did not cause, you cannot control, and you cannot cure. He must see to his own sobriety, and nothing you have done causes him to drink. He drinks because that is what alcoholics do. They need no reason. They will throw happiness away with both hands when the urge to drink overwhelms them. And this is the way it is until the alcoholic takes control of him/her self and gets help. Don't you feel guilty dear one. You take care of Chrissy and that dear child of yours. Leave him in the hands of his Higher Power.

You are in my prayers, and I wish you well, Diva

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((Chrissy))))))))))))) <----------hugs,

Please join in the chat room when you feel alone and in pain, it really helps to not feel alone:

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

But not for one minute should you believe that you or your daughter caused his drinking -- don't let that get to you. It's a disease and without help, he's allowing it happen all on his own.

Keep coming, keep posting, and join our chat room too.

Take care, Maria123

ctymom · Newbie

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's ...well, I dont know what it is b/c I was going to say frustrating but that's not a strong enough word. I think it goes beyond words. Not long ago, my husband didnt come home until almost 6am. I called him constantly since around 3:30am b/c he should have been home by then. Finally he called and I told him to not come home. Of course he did and still drunk from that night he wanted to talk. So he verbally abused me the whole time until I finally I scooped up our daughter, got in the car and took off for a ride in hopes he'd pass out. He did and we came home. I was physically ill that day and for days after.

I wish I had words... all I can offer is complete understanding.
Pam

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Chrissy I forgot to say, about a year ago, my husband, drunk, walked out the door, got into his car, left, and stayed gone three nights and four days. I called it a "gentleman's vacation". It was a binge!! And if anyone were to ask me about his drinking, I would say, "Well, you know the British love their nip." Obviously, he is British. My point being here that since I cannot do a thing to stop him, I can still smile; sometimes even laugh at the irony of it all. Take care, Diva

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Chrissy... your pain is obvious, and justified.... However, leaving him messages that you truly don't mean, just prolongs the game playing between an addict and their loved ones.... Addicts judge us by our actions, NOT our words.... As long as he keeps you in this muck, he wins.... As long as you remain sick, and totally focussed on his every behavior, he wins.... And as an active addict, when he wins, he drinks.... and that is ALL he wants out of life right now....

Want to see an addict get scared? Detach. Get yourself healthy, and less dependant on his every action. They hate it. They resist it. And it is our only chance in the world.

He will either drink or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do??

Take care

Tom

gknee · Senior Member

Ouch! Your pain jumps off the page.

My only bit of advice to you is to "say what you mean and mean what you say"--
I don't expect the A to have integrity, but I think we can. (or at least strive to)
Then they can at least trust us--they will know that we are serious and not just saying
things in reaction to their behavior.
It is hard to do though.

take care
Jeanne

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((( Chrissy ))))))))))))

I read your post twice; there is something in your tone that reminded me of myself last year.

My life was out of control, I threw a phone in anger which hit my A in the head, he called the police, I went to jail.

My life was so unmanageable, the only time my friends heard from me was when I was in crisis. When my A didn’t come home, when my A and I had a fight. My life was such a mess, when he didn’t come home, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I would get sick to my stomach. I threatened to leave. I screamed for him to get out. I used the same words you did in your post….”hate him for what he is doing to me” I thought, he “made” me so angry that I “had” to throw something. He is “making” me miserable.

Now after anger management and other counseling, admitting that I am co-dependent, being accountable for myself, I know now that “no one” can “make” me do anything. No one has control over me or my feelings, I have free choice. As I am learning this about me I am also learning that I have no control over my A. I have no control over his drinking, his decision making, or his feelings. It is a slow change, I work on daily, I am in control of me. I can only change one thing….”me” I work daily on “let go and let God” some days are easier then others.

I call my girlfriends now on a regular basis, it feels good to laugh. I see them and my mother on a regular basis; it is nice to receive hugs. I do crafts, bake, and take care of myself better then I have in years.

Put the focus on you, it’s hard, but do one little thing for you everyday.

Hugs Mary

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"