The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is day 7 of living without my husband, my a. As many of you know I left my husband last Saturday. I just felt that God wanted me out of the way so that he could get to him. I kept making excuses, pleading and begging for him to quit drinking. It was making me miserable as well as him miserable.
This last week has been really hard. Although my A has made a step in the right direction by going to a counselor, he is still trying to blame me for everything. Friday night he called and ask when we were coming home.. When I told him I didnt know when I came home this time I wanted it to be forever. He said well you know you have problems too. Then got angry and told me how he was bored in our marriage and I wasnt fun .. I know he just said those things to hurt me ( which they did) .. Then I really thought about it.. I was the one not having FUN, I was the one watching him get drunk and make a fool of himself..
Last night he called and ask why the kids didnt want to see him. I just said they were busy and they love him very much.. He said "whatever" and hung up.. I wanted so desperatly to call him back but I didnt. I wanted to hug his pain away but I couldnt.. This detach thing is really hard. I am really trying to focus on the kids and let God work . But boy it is hard. I went to sleep last night wondering if he was home, was he drunk, was he out getting drunk ?? But I didnt call I just went to sleep..
I have been going to f2f meetings and really trying to focus on me and the kids..
Today, as I sit watching the ocean and praying I hope that today is the day that REALITY hits.. Today is the day that he takes another step..
Just wanted to update everyone.. Thanks for your prayers.. Please continue, I need them
Today, as I sit watching the ocean and praying I hope that today is the day that REALITY hits.. Today is the day that he takes another step..
Tammy
((tammy))
When I read your comment I quoted above, I thought...Today is the day that TAMMY gets to take another step! How great that will be! You have a beautiful day ahead of you to take care of yourself and your children. He will do what he will do. Today is for you!
I was just thinking about you! Glad to hear you are getting through day by day. That's all we can do. You are so much stronger than you know.
It's hard not to worry about the people we love. While I know my A is safe at the halfway house, I still worry about him. I am reminded that he's where he's suppose to be. But what if he misses curfew? The "what if" game our minds play can be really tough to get through. But we get through it.
You'll learn in time to settle your mind. Just don't rush it and expect everything to happen at once. Remember baby steps for all of us.
I'm so proud of you I can't stand it!
Keep going in the direction you are. I pray that you're A will someday seek the help he needs.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It's so hard, I know, to watch him in pain. I sometimes feel that his pain is worse for me than it is for him. That's why I so often would give in, against my own interests and my better judgement - "No, no, it's OK, abuse me some more, I can take it, just please stop being in pain..." Crazy, but we can get better. Good for you, you are really doing great.
I was the one not having FUN, I was the one watching him get drunk and make a fool of himself...
I remember once when hy husband accused me of not being any fun any more, I told him "No, I know, now you're having enough fun for both of us"
Oh Tammy.... I read your post and feel the pain surface in me from my relationship that I broke off in January this year. I will say that the pain is SO DIFFERENT though than what you are feeling at this very moment. I remember the first 2-3 months-- I felt as if my heart would literally explode because it hurt so much to have made the choice to end the relationship. I often struggled with my mind playing games with me even, thinking how he would just laugh in my face if I ever told him I missed him because it was my choice to leave him. However, then would bring myself back to realize that I LEFT HIM because I DESERVE MORE from a relationship-- someone who loves me unconditionally, is there to support me as I do him-- someone who is equally yoked. :)
I gave it ALL to God and I will say this..... I NEVER thought I'd get over him, nor did I think I could love again and here I am 10 months laters, still loving him but realizing that I can love someone else again. I have some friends and one male friend in particular that I have found is such a sweetheart and I could very well be happy with him in a relationship IF that ever came into existence. However, right now I am VERY happy to see how I'm taking time for myself and not rushing into anything. My heart is still broken from my ex A, BUT, it is ALSO at peace-- I am grateful to have our good memories in my heart and know that I have become a MUCH different person from that relationship. The love him and I shared for a time has filled me enough for a lifetime really because I finally experienced true love. :) I wouldn't change that for anything.
Yes, of course I hope to find that same kind of live someday and know in my heart that I will, but this time the person MUST love me back without me forcing or trying to make him do something that he is incapable of doing. The best way I've learned to do that is to just be patient and Trust God completely. :)
Hang in there-- it gets easier IF you give it all to God. In turn, He will give peace and comfort filled with truth and something my Pastor said to me when I was going through these changes and my eyes were opened to what God wanted for my life is, "The Truth Shall Set You Free". It all became clear to me that God wanted so much more for my life and with someone who loves me as He loves me.
You'll get through it-- keep the GOOD memories and appreciate you had that, learn from it and move onto a much better, peaceful, life for yourself and daughter. You only have ONE life to live. Something I ALWAYS ask myself when I find myself struggling with missing my ex A is if him and I would have stayed together would I have looked back at my life when I'm 60 or 70 and see that it remained the same my entire life. Would I miss out on the opportunities and education I'm pursuing had I stayed with him? The answer to that, particularly after reading many posts here that confirm it is YES. My life would be consumed in a relationship with someone who was unequally yoked. Additionally, if I ever have a choice in which I'm not certain of making, I ask myself will I look back when I'm 60 and ask what the hell did I do with my life. Had I stayed with an alcoholic, who was never there for me-- I know I'd regret it because I would have missed the love that I now feel inside of me that can last a lifetime. :) Futhermore, in Gods timing, I'm confident that He will bring what I need into my life, whether it be a man in another marriage or a relationship with Him-- I'm willing to accept either. (Even though I still struggle with being single, I've gotten myself into enough mess throughout my life, I am giving it to Him.) :) What will be, will be.
I'll make this short and sweet Tammy...you have made a decision, and I am sure it is the right one for you, as I am also sure you did not make it nonchallantly. Take care of you and your dear children. Leave him to his HP, and whether or not he ever takes another step, YOU take each step to a better, happier life. My prayers are with you always, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Way to go Tammy.... Not so much for leaving per se, but for your great perspective on your circumstances.... Do you journal? I found that journalling was VERY important, especially early on, cuz our brains will start acting with 'selective memory', by minimizing the bad, and reflecting on the good parts of the past relationship. Keeping a journal can help keep you balanced, where you can see him, and the situation, for exactly what it is...
How many of us caved into desperate pleads from our A's, where they cry and beg forgiveness, but without any plan of recovery, no plan or commitment to a program, etc., etc.... Keeping OUR heads at a healthy level, is a big help.
Way to go... you sound like you are doing great! Lean on your friends & family in recovery now.... they are a wonderful support.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You are an inspiration! Hang in there and keep doing what you need to do for you and the kids. People say it will get easier! I am proud of you and the steps you have made. You have come so far since your first post.
Keep up the good work and keep the focus on you and the kids.
Tammy, you are doing great. What are you doing that's fun? What are you doing to take care of yourself? What nice things have you treated yourself to? Let me know. When I was typing the above, I smiled thinking that you will read it and say..."yeah, I need to do something fun."
