The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
An excerpt from the chapter on "What Manner of Communications are These?...this really struck me. (p.17)
You know that no improvement can be accomplished unless we're consistent. If we haven't the courage to speak up whe the drinker is in a sober phase, he'll just go on believing that there's no limit to what we can tolerate. But we have to know what we think before we can say it convincingly. We can't just bury it and hide our heads under a blanket of hope. Our husbands have a right to know what we expect from them. It's up to them to decide whether or not they want to live up to our expectations. Not letting them know how we feel is dishonest. It's just another way of pretending we accept the situation when we don't. It's a cop-out. If we want the alcoholic to face reality, we must face it first, and not be afraid to share our feelings. "
I have been so guilty of this over the years. I woulnd't speak up much or if I did, it was usually when he was drinking. Actually, I found that I had lots of courage when he was drinking. :rolleyes: Now I am sitting in a marriage that I feel so confined about my feelings, still unable to express them due to our lack of communication.
I remember one time my A. asked me (when he was drinking) "how come you adjust so well to me drinking?...oh yeah, it is that alanon program." Actually, I was only taking care of myself partially. I learned how to detach but I never learned how to express my feelings and emotions when he was sober. I became very active in the drinking stages, and a bit more lax during the sober stages.
He's dry for a bit over a month here.....and I fight sometimes to relax into that place where I am not working my program as hard as I am when difficult times are here. I am striving for working my Program daily whether or not he is drinking.
I guess that excerpt dawned on me that I hadn't been consistent for the past few years..adding to the confusion in our marriage. I buried my head, cried alone and kept my words to myself when I really needed to express them.
Thanks sq I needed to hear that.. I think we have all done that at one time or another. My husband drank our entire marriage and it wasnt until a few years ago that it got bad. Before that I buried my head.. Maybe, I just opened my eyes.. Whatever it was I shared my boundries and what was acceptable and what wasnt .. Now, I am living alone with my kids.. Boundries are good but they are painful.. Maybe as painful as living with an alcoholic.
I know I am learning to communicate on my end better. Speaking up and letting him know my needs and my feelings w/out nagging and w/out repetition. It is hard because it feels like a one way street right. It's weird, I have NO problem communicating outside the marriage w/anyone. But then again, those that I communicate with reciprocate. I'm living in the present as well as I can and try to be grateful for those small moments where we actually do share feelings..which are very far and few between. And I am also accepting reality of this may be something that he can not do now or maybe ever. This isn't a new issue w/us. The only thing I can do is do my best, keep growing and accept whatever happens. Accept that we may in time learn to communicate OR accept that we may not and realize that it is important for my spiritual growth and intimacy w/a spouse, which may end up w/me being alone. For me, it is a lot easier to be alone and lonely, than be w/someone and lonely.
What I find myself doing often is putting my emotional needs on the backburner again. What is frightening at times is that feeling that I am outgrowing my partner/relationship. I don't want to stay stuck and have this issue arise in the future like it has done so many times in our past. What is unfortunate is when he was drinking, he communicated w/me often. Would ask me to sit w/him..talk w/him. Of course, there was a price to pay for that and it came out of a bottle. Somedays I wonder just how long I can keep living this way. Being I don't know, I realize that I am right where I am suppose to be-identifying and accepting my feelings, needs and wants. Learning to express them and facing reality in our home.
I've read this book, good book - thinking I should read it again *smile*. Communication has been a hard one for me...I totally relate to your sentence of being able to talk outside the marriage....hard to do with spouse though. When we were dating, we talked a whole lot about feelings, etc. We had that closeness, that intimacy, that feeling of safety and support with one another. Then we got married....and the Disease reared its ugly head and said "Hi there Kis! Welcome to my World - gotcha now!" And it did get me for the next 4 years - real good. Then I found Al-Anon. Still working my way out of the disease, still learning every day. When I work it - I do find improvement in our marriage. I was reminded by this post of one day when I was just totally overwhelmed with my feelings and they all came tumbling out onto hubby. He finally said to me, "can you please stop for now? This is all too much for me to process all at once." .... too much for me to process all at once. Had to repeat that part. They tell us in Al-Anon that often we need to start with baby steps. A little at a time. How true. And how true for our Alcoholics also. A week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, a month.....doesn't matter how many days dry he has...he still cannot handle every emotion/feeling I have all at once. I probably couldn't handle it either if he unloaded like that on me. Pick one thing, work on that. Then on to the next one. Rome wasn't built in a day, neither are marriages. Bless the man, he does try as best he can to understand me and to give me what he is able to at this time in his life. That is something I need to remember, rather than thinking on all that he can't give yet. And bless him too for being patient with me as I work on myself, because I too am part of this relationship and have my own failings. Often is the time I've heard him say to me "you never talk to me anymore." True, I let my fears get in the way. I'm working hard on that now. What I say might upset him, but I say I know this might not be facts, but it is how I feel right now...and we are able to discuss it and most times it turns out just fine. I can't allow fear to rule my life anymore. Fear steals away precious time from us. He was an alcoholic when I met him....we had no problems in those first days....what changed? not him - me. He is the same man I fell in love with all those years ago. Slowly as I find the old me again, I am also finding that love and closeness we had at the start. I do not have to allow this disease to take that from me!! I can choose to control how I think and act and talk, I can choose to be the loving person I was. And I find in doing so....yes, "changed attitudes can aid recovery". I'm getting better, we're getting better. Keep working It!!!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I have that pamphlet. I learned alot. I have found that I created this image of my husband that I wanted to believe and that he helped create. He's smart, capable, dependable, conscientious, helpful, etc. I would rationalize his behavior like he was working hard when in reality he was addicting. Now that he has moved out, the truth is slowly coming out. Others noticed his addictive behavior like playing computer games all night when he was suppose to be working. I think that I just tolerated this behavior because he always threatened to leave. Now that he gone I am trying to set better boundaries. One thing I have to do is not let him swoop in to help or save me. His ego just inflates when he does this and the imbalance of him being so capable and smart and me being so helpless just perpetuates.
You know that no improvement can be accomplished unless we're consistent. If we haven't the courage to speak up whe the drinker is in a sober phase, he'll just go on believing that there's no limit to what we can tolerate. But we have to know what we think before we can say it convincingly. We can't just bury it and hide our heads under a blanket of hope. Our husbands have a right to know what we expect from them. It's up to them to decide whether or not they want to live up to our expectations. Not letting them know how we feel is dishonest. It's just another way of pretending we accept the situation when we don't. It's a cop-out. If we want the alcoholic to face reality, we must face it first, and not be afraid to share our feelings. "
WOW - thank you for posting this. The courage to speak up when he is sober - yep - that's what I need.
