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Hi Everyone, and thank you in advance. I'm a newbie, been in Al Anon about 2 months. I know y'all don't give advice, but you can...tell me about your own experience?...talk about Al Anon principles?
Anyway, here is my current confusion. The primary alcoholic qualifier in my life right now is my daughter. She has had a very difficult time this past week or so. She had a health challenge brought on by her alcoholism (IMHO) and lost her job because of taking so much time off of work. She had also (previous to this health crisis) taken quite a bit of time off work, due to alcohol, IMHO. She just got this job a few months ago after 6 years of not working and she really loved it, so this was a tough loss. Plus the illness. Plus she lost her wallet with her ID in it.
So I know that we don't focus on the alcoholic, but on ourselves, but this is one of my areas of confusion. How much do we tell other Al Anons so that they will understand what the heck we are talking about?
She lied about the nature of her health crisis, and was wailing and talking bitterly about how 'unfair' it was for them to fire her. While I feel for her, I'm also thinking to myself how convenient that she was just about to move out (it's my couch she's been sleeping on for 6 years) and now she can't.
Okay, so now you have the background, pretty much. My dilemma was in what and how much to say, if anything. I've been trying very hard to keep my mouth shut and to not suggest, give advice, nag, call attention to her consequences, and all those other things I've become so good at. One of my big issues here is that she has lied to me constantly since she was 14 (she's 35 now) and all too often I've just nodded my head as she lied and not said anything. Because it doesn't seem to do any good to call her on her stuff. But does she think I'm stupid?
So this time I nodded for awhile, and then I said that I didn't think it was all that unfair, and that I knew that things weren't exactly as she was saying. Since there were other people around, I just left it at that. That was enough to precipitate her leaving the house crying for the night, however, even though she was so ill.
When I got home, she was there and no one else was home, so I attempted to clarify my communication. I told her that I did not intend to be in her business, but that I knew she had lied about the nature of her health crisis and the cause of it. I told her that I did not want to be in her business, her choices and consequences were her concern, but that I really hate being lied to. If she wants to lie, that is her choice, but it is my choice not to necessarily go along with her as if I believe her each time. And I said that I thought her getting fired was 'fair', since she had missed so much time from work and lied about it.
As I said what I had to say, at first she interrupted with a passionate statement about how she hadn't been drinking very much this summer, etc. etc. As I continued, she fell silent and just listened. In the end she seemed relieved and that communication seems to have set things right between us.
However, I don't know if that was a good communication or not. Am I 'taking her inventory' when I tell her that I think that getting fired was fair since she had missed so much time from work? Should I just ignore the lying and let her come to her own realizations?
Feedback would be appreciated. Kind feedback is especially welcome. Thanks for 'listening'.
It seems as if you did the right thing. You have the right to set boundaries in your own home. Make sure that the boundaries are ones you know you can stick to. Maybe no drinking in your house. You might even give her a time period to find a job and then be out of the house. Be easy on yourself. Keep coming back here and don't hold everything in, it will make you sick. It sounds as if you handled things wonderfully!!!
You can feel free to share as much as you want at Al-Anon.... the focus is on YOUR feelings, and you share what you are feeling...
One thought, that your post seems to really show.... Your daughter is 35 years old.... and living at home.... and "using" you, to allow herself NOT to grow up, and take responsibility for herself, or her actions.... She sounds like a master manipulator, and everything wrong in her life is somebody else's fault.... Very typical alcoholic behavior....
What are you doing, for YOU? Dive into your recovery program - it will help you tremendously.... Read up on "enabling", and see if anything hits home.... I know you love your daughter, but she is NOT getting any better.... Something has to change, and you cannot change or control HER, but you can take care of yourself.
Please read "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.... It is an amazing book, and will likely give you a lot of insight.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Get all of the volumes of "Getting Them Sober." They are awsome. My copies are actually almost worn out I have read them so much. She also has a message board that has been a lot of help to me.
Thanks everyone. I will get those books, as soon as I finish the blue book I'm reading now. She is a master manipulator. She moved in 6 years ago for a few months and has been on my couch ever since. I didn't realize she was an A until a few months ago. I didn't realize I was an Al Anon until shortly after that. I'd have an easier time not letting her back in once she was out. I don't know if I can throw her out right now. I need to get stronger. Thanks for the feedback. I'm having a hard time taking care of myself right now.
Let me tell you what we have done with our oldest boys so far, after graduating from high school we let them know straight up....you have 3 months to either pay rent, $50 a week, or you must move out. It worked! My oldest had to move back home twice and the second time didn't even mind paying rent....my #2 boy would not pay rent, moved out, lived in a camper trailer in one of his friend's parent's back yard during the winter....but you know what, it worked! I wasn't mean about it, I took their nastiness when they were mad and moved out, tucked in my heart and kept telling myself, I am doing this not only for them, BUT for me and my sainty....I have a wonderful relationship with all four of my sons. To some people it seems harsh, but in my case it worked....setting boundaries is good for the other person and for you!
Thanks for 'listening'.