The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many of us feel that our addicts/alcoholics have it so easy. They have no responsibility, or at least don't take any,and they ae out partying or drinking all of the time. Are they really having fun? They have lucid moments and self doubt and self-loathing. They then self medicate. Many addicts are completely charming and are able to "hook" people immediately. After a few minutes, these people are not so eager to be friendly with him/her. They see him/her for what they are. They are not out there drinking and drugging because it is fun. They are doing it because their disease has a hold of them. You know it, I know it and believe it or not, they know it. Maybe they don't want to get help or admit it is a problem because then they have to fix it. They are either terrified that they can't and will fail or fear they will then have to get better and act "normal".
You know the scenes in the movies where the setting is a psychiatric hospital? When my husband tries to turn things around on me. I imagine him in a hospital gown with his butt hanging out and pretending he is the doctor. This helps me to see him in a new light and not engage with him.
No we are not having fun. We are the most insecure and scared people on earth and are full of fear and self hatred. I drank to avoid facing myself and being honest about what I really felt about myself. Substance abuse at that point is nothing more than a mask and self medication used to avoid and bury the pain inside us. The disease keeps us in denial about all this so we can keep using. We take it out on the people around us and blame external conditions and other people for our problems. No one wants to be this way, but the disease keeps up trapped in the vicious cycle.
I've been there and never want to go back to that hell again.
Lou my husband drinks a half to 3/4th of straight voldka as fast as he can, every day, he is so wasted that I have had to call the police twice now, just to make sure that he wasn't dying. this is the way he spends his time from after work till the next day, at this rate, how long will it be before serious health problems start making themselves evident, and do you know of anyone that has been commited through the courts and it helped them? I realize that I have to start focusing on a life for myself unless some miracle occurs but at the same time I always wonder if I am going to come home and find him dead. and if there are some signs I should be watching for. Lee
Signs you should be watching for? For what? Sorry if I sound sarcastic, but if you're refering to signs of an alcohol problem I think that's pretty obvious. Signs he's killing himself? Signs he'll realize the problem he has?
If he's drinking everyday into oblivion, the serious heath problems are already evident. I think you might be refering to permanent physical damage. Everyone is different, I abused by liver for 20 years and when I got in the rehab was relieved to find out it's OK.
I know a ton of people in AA who got there through the courts. Some say a DUI was the best thing that ever happend to them. Some come on there own because they can't stand the pain anymore. Some come to save thier jobs. Some come to save their marriages. It doesn't matter how we get there. The ones that stay long term are the ones that stay for themselves. I'm sure denial about his drinking is very strong right now, denial is not an optional part of the disease. He drinks because he is an alcoholic, don't look for any more reason than that.
Ask around if there are any recovered alcoholics in your circle of friends or aquaintances. If you are embarrassed, this may take some time to figure out, but there are more of us out there than you realize. Most recovered alcoholics don't like to advertise it but are past the point of embarrassment about their disease. If you can find someone in recovery to talk to him, it may be a less painful way to get him into AA than being forced by the courts. This is called 12th step work and most recovered A's are more than happy to do it for someone.
Hang in there, keep me posted on how both of you are doing.
I'm with Lou about them not "having fun out there.' I seriously doubt my A was having fun when he woke up in a crack house in the city and didn't realize it. The only reason he didn't die, was because he was with a crack addict who protected him. It's one of those stories that he told me in rehab and with such fear and loathing for himself. But that wasn't enough to stop him from relapsing.
I do know that there are addicts out there who really have no desire to stop. My aunt is one of them. She's a functioning alcoholic. She freely admits it, and has no desire to change. My cousin is the same way and they often get together "For Tea" as they call it. There's not a thing anyone in our family can do about it. But I don't believe they are having fun. They are just enabling each other and feeding their addiction.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I don't know if my A is having fun but he sure got off without much responsibility. He moved out in June. He lives simply, comes and goes as he please, and golfs. He left me with the finances, the house, the kids finances, the pets, the cars, etc. I try not to be a martyr but I let him know the truth - that I have a lot of work to do. He is sober but does not seem cognizant of much. He says he is getting older and doesn't have much time left. He doesn't seem to understand that I don't have much time left. BUT I do have my pity party and try to move on. I am vocalizing more honestly what my life is really like especially to close friends. I am learning to ask for help and many people have come to my aid. I am working my recovery program to the best of my ability. And I am trying to detach, detach, detach and look at myself.
My Aunt married an alcoholic, came home one night went to bed and woke up the next morning to find him dead, he had shot himself the evening before.
When I asked about signs, it was more of a generalization, some diseases have markers that tell you of the progress, he won't see a doctor, and since they told him at AA he would have to quit drinking, he refuses to go there, nor will he get any other kind of help for him self as he says he enjoys drinking.
They told me at detox that I could have him committed because he is a danger to himself. As he has a penchant for wanting to work on the electrical or use saws etc. he's works on the high rises, 30 stories up doing swing or chair work, he had petite malls as a child, and has had a few seizures, I am handicapped so my options are limited, thank you for your response it was kind of you to answer back.
I agree with you that they are not having fun. I asked my A two weeks ago when he came in staggering drunk for the third night in a row....very quietly I asked...."doesn't it make you tired?" he said "what?" I said...."being that hammered all the time, doesn't it make you tired?" he looked at me with innocent and nodded his head and said "sometimes it does make me tired."
My heart strings tugged a little, thinking he knows how bad it makes him feel, he knows all the broken promises, but he won't stop until he is ready to stop, until he admits he is powerless....
