The material presented
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Thanks to everyone who responded to my post last night. It really felt good to know there are people out there everyday who have gone through what I am going through!
Well, another night alone.....While in the shower today (about 11:30 a.m.) I heard "I'll be back in a little bit". How convenient..he was probably waiting for me to get in the shower so I couldn't follow him to the door and ask where he was going.
Any guesses how long a "little bit" ended up being??? Well he came home around 7:00 p.m.(with no phone call from him until 5 minutes before he got home). He opened his van door and could hardly walk into the house. First thing he said was.."what do you have to eat". I replied "I had know idea when you were coming home! I made nothing." He staggered up stairs, passed out in our bed And it is yet ANOTHER NIGHT ALONE!
It is so hard to see him in this condition...just looking at me with glazed eyes. I am so fearful that one of these times he will hit someone or kill himself in a car accident. Everytime I wait for a long time for him to come home, I hope and pray that the cops will stop him and put him in jail. I'm just hoping that would open his eyes! Is that wrong?
He has tried to stop drinking 2 times in the past 4 years. He stopped for 2-3 months both times! They were the best months in our relationship!!!!
Both times he acknowledged that "you have to want to quit or it won't work, and he said he did want to quit". There was no pressure from me either time. He even tried 2 times this summer to attend an AA meeting in our area. The first time he drove past, the second time he walked past, but then he said it would be too embarassing. Is there still hope? Is there anything I can do?
Hi... boy do I feel your pain!! It is so hard sometimes to continue to hope and believe that your A will get sober. Then there's the endless time alone, feeling neglected and abandoned. The hard truth is... Alcoholism is so darn cunning, baffling, and progressive. My A knew he needed help, just like yours does... but the alcohol kept calling his name. Just like your A, went by a couple of meetings... sat in the car. Then as he got further to his bottom, and with my insistence... or my urgings... he went. It was either get sober or I'm outta here. I had hit my bottom too. Couldn't think, always feeling stressed about his behavior... I had had enough!!! I love him desperatly... and after 6 yrs of marriage I didn't want to just give up... but... I was a mess. He has been sober for 8 months now. He finally figured out that he couldn't do it alone. He went to AA, not very happily, but he went. We are now separated.. but still living together... no intimacy... I just need to let hime work on his stuff...issues. hE'S NOT A VERY HAPPY SOBER PERSON, BUT HE'S TRYING. Hang in there, and try to remember that your not alon. I'm trying to do thing that make me happy, instead of just focusing on him. I can sure tell you that it is one day at a time for me. I'm so sorry you are hurting. Give yourself a hug and eat some ice cream
I know how you feel... those nights can be lonely and anxiety ridden. I have spent many nights just wondering..... will he make it home... how drunk will he be.... will he get arrested. Boy the times I have prayed that he would get arrested so he would see where things are in his life. I know things would not be pretty if he did get arrested since I would not bail him out!!! He would not be allowed back in the house until he got his act straightened up. He has had 3 DUI's (the last one being 17 years ago) but one more would really make getting around next to impossible for him.. and I would not be the one to drive him around like last time.
I have been trying to not let those nights get to me as badly. I repeat the 3 C's time after time ... I did not cause it ... I can not control it .. and I cannot cure it. And on those nights I try... and it is hard... but I try to do something for myself and keep my mind off him. I know the later it gets the harder it gets but I have to keep trying to keep me sane.
You are not alone!! My has never been sober... At least your A has admitted a problem and has started trying. Don't give up. But make sure you take care of yourself at the same time. Remember.. you are the most important person in your life and you need to take care of yourself!
There is always hope, Audrey, primarily for you.... get yourself into YOUR program of recovery, that will help you immensely, regardless of what he ends up doing... Until that time, you are at the mercy of this disease, and it is an awful place to be...
He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do??
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Lonliness is the hardest lesson to learn. There were times that I thought that I was lonlier with him than without him if that makes sense. When my A was out drinking, I too wished that they would pull him over before he hit someone. But he would rarely go out and drink. Instead he would be home. He's a solitary drunk. I know in my state that you can call the police and issue a "bulletin of concern" I think is what they call it. Another words you ask the police to look out for his car. If they spot it they will pull him over and tell them that they have been notified by you. If he's done nothing wrong, they call you and let you know that they've found him. If he has been drinking, and he's under the influence, they will arrest him. I'm not suggesting that you look into this. I know people who have. I never took it that far. (That decision has to be yours and yours alone.) I don't neccessarily think that it would have made a difference in his decision to try and get help.
You have to learn to detach yourself from his disease. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. That is the bottom line. Say the Serenty prayer over and over again. Say the 3 Cs over and over again too.
In this disease, you'll feel every emotion you could possibly imagine. This disease stinks for him and you. But it's his disease ultimately. You can't let it control your life otherwise it will destroy you. They often say that the codependent is often sicker than the addict. I'm not trying to scare you. But I'm a realist when it comes to this. These are some cold, hard facts about his alcoholism. I've learned so much on this site as well as huge amounts of reading over the past year.
There is nothing wrong with hoping that he will open his eyes and get the help he needs. We all hope that for our As. Listen to Sandie when it comes to trying to focus on herself during those long nights. She's a smart woman and so are you.
Remember to try and keep the focus on you. Try and get to a meeting if you can. Know that you are never really alone. Your cyber family is always here for you 24/7/365.
Live strong, Karilynn
P.S. I'm with Serenty on eating some ice cream! Rocky Road (no pun intended) anyone?
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
HI, It is perfectly natural to hope the cops stop your A. But what about all the others times they drink and drive. Sadly My A has had at least 4 d u i's and still drives messed up. He has totalled cars, the work van and ran into a pole and put the power out of half of the town we lived in.
So we cannot control it. The best thing for me is to not WAIT. To live my life. I remember thinking about another night alone. Now I am out here alone, but life is natural now to be alone. After awhile, when i learned to take care of me, it is just dessert if i get to see him. It is not the norm.
I find it interesting that I can feel the love you have for your A. Of course he means it when he wants to stop Audrey. People who have diabetes want to stop getting low blood sugar attacks too. He cannot control it on his own. If he does all he does is stop drinking. That is not the problem, only a symptom of the disease.
Ask him if he believes a woman should be embarrassed to go to a breast cancer support group, or someone go to a cancer support group. AA is NO different.
He would be as helpful to the oldies as they would to him. They all understand, and most would LOVE to see him walk in.
He has to find this out for himself.
I can only relate that if i eat too much watermelon, my favorite food, i get sick and don't want anymore.
Someone who drinks needs to get so sick and tired of it they will do about anything to get help.
My A has lost everything, I mean everything. He still has not gotten his bod back to AA. He was sober a long time then had a medical relapse, is brain damaged, has mpd and is very confused.
I love him very much. But it is not at all like it used to be. But for better for worse and sickness and health. Staying makes me stronger and makes me a better person. There is a reason the Bible says the creator hates divorce and we are not free unless someone cheats or dies.
does not mean we have to live with them however and put up with abuse, don't get me wrong!!
Anyway the more you learn about Alanon, the better your marriage will be.
I read your first post and can really relate to being in that place where I knew I had a drinking problem but was scared to do anything about it. His behavoir towards you and your kids just refects the anger and hatred he's feeling for himself right now (been there myself) My disease wanted me to drink myself further into misery. I don't want to tell you what to do, but when I was at the point I think your husband is at, I needed a push from a friend (another A in recovery) to get me to a meeting. Although I did not stop drinking immediatly, going to a meeting and sitting there saying 'I am an alcoholic' ruined my drinking career forever (thank God)
You may want to find an alcoholic in recovery to 12th step your husband. This means they will talk to him about their own experience and will try to get him to a meeting. This is something you or another non-a will have a tough time doing. Ask around, it is worth it. Most recovered A's will be honored to help out. Even if it doesn't save your marriage, it may save his life. I have a feeling there is a crack in that wall of denial if he has already considered going to meetings. Thats a good sign
Hang in there and take care of yourself and your kids first.
I dreaded being alone when my A moved out. Part of it was that it was his decision and not my choice. So I suffered alone for awhile. I realized that I needed a strategy to cope. So my efforts to help myself when loneliness hits is to first acknowledge that it is there. Then I let the dogs in, sleep in the room that I am most comfortable in, call a friend or two or three, do something nice for myself, ask for help, and many others. I just hunker down and take care of myself. Then I make sure that I go to a f2f meeting or go online for support. It does get better. My A who is sober said recently that he was lonely in our marriage and that he is lonely now that he moved out. I just told him the truth, that I was lonely, too. But it wasn't my decision to create this life. Take care of yourself.
I know the lonliness this brings, I read your posts and thought you were living my life a year ago.
I have found for me, doing things I like when he's not there. I no longer believe when he says he'll be home early. I know longer believe him when he says he will answer my phone calls or he won't turn off his phone. I know longer believe when he says he has only had a couple drinks. I am working hard on "let go and let God" , I love my A but love will not rescue him from himself or his disease. I now use the time when he is alone for me and the kids. I no longer "wait" for hours, I am almost to a point where I actually can go to sleep when he doesn't come home for hours, I don't get sick anymore, so I know I have made progress. I do laundry, watch my favorite movies, crochet, do crafts, bake banana bread, call a girlfriend and laugh, read a magazine, take a shower, anything that keeps my attention on me.
