The material presented
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i am so pissed i could scream.he came home late i made dinner for nobody i guess beacause nobody ate. once again i trusted him good old trustable jerk that i am. he was so sick last night and i was happy .he wasnt feeling good i mean praying to the porcelain god. i am a horrible person. he said oh he cant go to meet his friends & have a soda ,duh you cant go near a bar. i came up with the solution that i would drive him to work on fridays . since thats the day he goes crazy he said oh its been a stressful week i had do make him brioski its helps the stomache then he needed nose spray and wanted me to get it 1:00am i said no way i will drive you but i was not going by myself. he was a little pissed too bad like a little kid pouting. then he says i'll be honset with you i only had 3 beers and then it went to 5 beers & one shot .and then he lies again . i cant trust him anymore & i feel that if i confront him hell go nuts and bender again. now today he went into work to do side jobs i called him about 20 minutes ago & his phone is turned off. no i'm steaming we were supposed to celebrate our anniversary tonight but who knows it was tuesday were married 3 yrs and he only rembered when he went on his computer and said he would make it up to me tonightif he doesnt call soon i going out without him.
I think we have all been where you are and know the feeling all too well. It hurts..Megan, said he is doing what alcoholics do they drink.. Well, she told me the EXACT same thing. Several times in fact. It doesnt make it easier but know that you are not alone. Call a friend, go get a pedicure, try to do something to take your mind off the clock.
Know that you arent alone.. We have all been there some of us just more recently than others.
Very hard to believe, but maybe he is out getting you a nice aniversary gift, or some flowers. I am probably wrong, but just maybe.
whatever the case may be, take care of you. Its not your fault he drinks, or lies to cover his drinking. Be good to you and take care. I hope all works out for you!!!
I know we have to take care of ourselves when faced with an unhealthy relationship so that we can remain strong. However, doesn't there EVER come a point that rather than going to get that pedicure or leave to see friends that this is considered a form of denial also? I dunno, but after being married to a man in an abusive relationship for 13 years I can say that I went through all of the stages of denial-- the sadness, the anger, the numbness (which I consider detachment and also unhealthy) because it cuts us off from receiving what we ALL need as individuals who love others... someone to return that love in intimacy, kindness and compassion. This being the case, I finally realized how foolish I was for tolerating this man who really cared nothing for myself or children because he didn't even care for himself. With this realization came discovery of my issues inside that remained to be uncovered, which were the TRUE reasons I stayed with him. After being away from this man for 9 years now-- THANK GOD, I will say that I've come to discover that I never truly loved him, but rather wanted to take care of him and mother him so that I would get a response back from him in loving me back--- So then, when that didn't work because of the roller coaster relationship, I would get angry, blame him, blah, blah, blah..... Eventually though, I got tired and I knew that I would get sick or die if I stayed with a man like this and got out. No money-- no job, no skills to take care of our two children. BUT, I had ONE thing that I had learned through it all. That my trust and focus was in the WRONG place--- God had never been in my life, nor did I believe in God. I began questioning who God is and what this "crazy" life was all about and God answered me... Not in ways I liked though, but in ways that became clear to me in how unhealthy I had been in continuing to deal with these people in my life.
So before we keep repeating our pattern of emotional turmoil, or blame ANYONE for our problems, our responses, our reactions, our pain, turmoil, or hurt to the chaos in our life we need to realize that it begins within us. Our first focus should be on our inadeuqacies and weakness to leave the abusive person in our life that we should really have NOTHING to say about another. After all, our dependence on these unhealthy relationships makes us just as sick as the Alcoholic. Each of us, including our A relationships is where we are at because we are supposed to be there. However, if we think that we can control another person or live a truly healthy life in an unequally yoked relationship-- we are foolish. WE ARE NOT GOD and that is not what God wants for us.
Your frustration is loud and clear, but please remember that solutions like "I will drive him to work on Fridays" are not the solution for anybody... It keeps you too close to the disease, and will not do a darn thing to reduce his propensity to drink. He is an active alcoholic, so he is going to find a way....
Take care of you.... get into YOUR program.... Al-Anon teaches us skills and calm so that we can live a healthy and serene life, regardless of whether they are drinking or not... Remember the three C's.... and let HIM own HIS disease.... Right now, it feels like HIS disease is killing two people.... himself, AND you. You have control over the "you" part, so at worst, it only kills him.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Lots of good posts. I agree w Tom about the driving him to work on Fridays. Ha! That's what happens, we think of a logical solution, but it's actually a reaction to his alcoholism, and not a logical solution at all. What Alanon teaches us is how to detach from the reaction hamster wheel. A great start to a solution is is the cops would stop him for drinking and driving. They don't stop drinking for us, but they wake up a little when their job or the law steps in. Some WISE judges MAKE them go to AA. Sometimes 90 meetings in 90 days. They have to get the leader of the AA meeting to sign off, and they don't listen to anything, but if they sit long enough, one of those touching stories will sound like their own, and the ears will perk up and then if they are lucky, some of that fellowship and love will sink in. DUI's also cost a lot of money, and it would seem like you are being punished as well, and incentive to help him avoid a DUI at all costs. Don't do it. They have to feel every single consequence of their drinking for themselves. If we cushion them, we get black and blue and they don't feel a thing, and it delays the realization for them, and does not help them.
When you go to Alanon, there is a shift in awareness, and it's not about following a rule, but it's about pulling in and occupying your own space. Try it. Occupy your own space. Even John Grey says that in a relationship, women expand, and men contract. We start morphing over into doing things that they can do for themselves, and they contract and do less because we are doing it all for them. A full grown man can make his own brioski (?) and get his own nose spray. If a full grown man can't make his own brioski, then a stomach ache from drinking is a good way for him to learn that drinking makes him sick, and his nose gets dry from drinking. And he doesn't need an Alanon to point it out for him. It's his stomach. He can feel it for himself.
My previous a (from years ago) liked the house nice and tidy and clean, so he wouldn't see evidence of his bottles of vodka everywhere, and be aware that he drank a lot. So, I like a good girl made sure the house was clean for him. What a doink!!! It wasn't even my house!
I know how you are feeling. I'm going through the same things these days! Everytime I call my A husband's cell phone and he doesn't answer, my mind starts to go crazy!!
I hope he came home and had a good explanation for you! But even if he did..keep focusing on YOU! You're very important!
Someone shared that advice with me last night, and I'm trying really hard to listen to it!
no he never came home its now 10:22 and i packed all his stuff and wrote him a note & i left it on his side of the bed i am so sick of this it is driving me crazy i am so done i was going to sleep by my friends house but my daughter wanted to come home so i picked her up from her dad's and i feel so alone my family gave him one more chance and he has blown it twice but i have been hiding it i am afraid to tell them & i feel like a failure i know its not me but thats the way i feel. thanks if it was't for you guys i would go insane
Oh Chrissy, I am sorry that you hurt. I use to live with the alcoholic's broken promises, the turned off phone, and the constant need for all my attention. Now, he gets little of my attention, I don't count on anything he says and I have started filling my time with things I want to do for myself. It is hard but it gets easier. Do something nice for you.
