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I had a semi discussion a week ago with my A about the fact that we (me and his kids) were very concerned about him. I told him that we would like to help him when he is ready… however we all know we cannot help him until he is ready. I mentioned that I would be doing a few things differently…. No more waking him up numerous times for dinner when he is “asleep” on the couch….. No more activities with him when he has been drinking. I had a much longer list but I wanted to start small and to things that I knew could keep.
Well he came back with pretty much the rebuttal I expected. He blamed me for our marriage failing (which I did deny was partially my fault), he told me that he disagreed with everything I was doing……etc. But the part that hurts me is totally different. He said I am getting more like my mother!!! Yes... No one likes to hear that and I do agree I am getting more like my mother but not necessarily the way he felt I was. He told me I did “stupid things” all the time that he couldn’t handle. When asked what…. all he could come up with was washing the cordless phone (that was in the dirty hamper for some reason) 5 years ago. He said he doesn’t think I have any control over these stupid things but he doesn’t know if he can handle them anymore. I did have to come back with a response that at least I have no control over the stupid things I do… with him he does his stupid things during drinking which he does have control over.(at least I’m not wrecking the new car. Or annoying the kids) Well he replied with his type of stupid things are different than mine!
Since that talk… there has not been much of a change in his drinking. The only main difference is he is now working 4 10 hr day instead of 5 8 hr days. He comes home complaining…. Half the time drunk. And lucky us we have a long weekend to spend more time getting drunk… nursing hangovers … and being a real pain in the …
I have been trying to detach with love as best as I can. I have been standing by my boundaries. I am having trouble with the fact that he thinks my stupid things, which are not in my control, are worse than his, which he can do something about. I want to confront him about this but I’m not really sure if I should. I am trying to be good and not get involved in any alcohol related discussions and I am trying to put the focus on me…. But this is really bothering me.
Oh, he's just doing the standard A thing - anything to distract you from the real issue. I would pay it no mind whatsoever. He probably doesn't really think that at all, he's just putting up smoke and mirrors. Blame others, that's what they do.
If you think that there are things about your behaviour that need to be changed, then change them. You don't have to be distrated from what you know is true, though, by his BS.
I think that the things you talked about changing are well chosen, as they are things that YOU control, not things you want HIM to change. Keep moving in that direction, take your life back. Keep the focus on you and your kids, don't worry too much about what he does. I wouldn't confront him about anything that isn't screaming out to you, that absolutely NEEDS confrontation. After all, how many times has that type of confrontation done any good?
If washing the phone was the stupidist thing you've done, then you and I should compare lists. (Okay so I put my earrings in the freezer they were snowmen afer all!)
You're right about your boundaries. He's an adult, if he chooses to come to dinner then he can. If he's passed out, not your problem. I like the idea of doing things with the kids when he's not drinking. My brother-in-law was coaching my nieces soccer team half the time when he was high. Everybody knew it, but my sister is in denial.
Half the time what comes out of an alcoholic's mouth when they're drinking is the alcohol talking. You can't really have a conversation that's important when their drunk. I gave up trying to talk to my A when he was drinking. We left the important stuff when he was sober. There are moments when that happens.
Just stand your ground and keep the focus on you and your kids. You're doing just fine.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Isnt it funny that they all do the same thing... Scramble to get the person thinking about them and getting the focus off of their drinking. ( the real problem )..
I think we have all yelled,cried pleaded with the alcholoic to quit drinking but they have to be ready. Yesterday, my husband ask me when we were coming home ..I told him I am not sure when I come this time I want it to be forever. His reply.. Well, you have problems too.. blabalaaa... and then said I was boring, and he hadnt had fun with me in ages.. Then he hung up on me.. I cried until, speaking with my friend who said.. fun.. your the one who hasnt had any fun.. Putting up with him and his drinking isnt fun for you.. My point is that he did the EXACT thing your husband did hurry and get the focus off of him..
You and I have talked about boundries and it sounds like you are taking steps needed to
Have you ever seen the t-shirt logo that says: "I see you lips moving, but all I hear is blah, blah, blah". Well, I really think that shirt was designed for those of us living with active alcoholics and addicts. He is trying to deflect blame, in any way he can, so that he can keep using, and NOT work on his own problems. He is pushing whatever of your buttons he can, to keep the focus on you, on the marriage, on blame, on anything else, to feed his addiction.
My sponsor used to remind me, over and over again - when you are dealing with an active alcoholic, you need to see them with a big SICK stamp on their forehead...
Take care of you, and you'll start feeling better.... he is doing what alcoholics do... he is drinking, and then taking NO responsibility for his actions....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
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