The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Wow! Tonight is the first time I've started looking for support from people who can understand what I am going through!
I began to read a few posts, and couldn't believe how some of the stories sounded so much like mine.
I am remarried (2nd marriage) for almost 4 years now. I've got three teenagers (13, 15 and 17). When I met my A husband, I fell in love and thought I could make a difference in his life and some day change him. I thought I was meant to find him and bring "joy" to his life. (He was never married before, and I guess I now know why!)
He doesn't have any children, and my children live with us 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time they live with their dad.
My husband and I have great times together and are very compatible. Except for when he drinks too much, and then he becomes verbally abusive.
When my kids are with us, he avoids them, tells me they are horrible kids, and usually stays out drinking after work until the middle of the night to avoid seeing them. The troubling thing is that I've seen him have great times with my kids, but only when he wants to!
Let me give you a little background on my children....all "A" and "B" students, all are Christians (their dad is very religious), they hang out with good friends, but what my A husband dwells on is that (1) they talk back to me from time to time (what teenagers don't) and (2) they think they are perfect (I think he is comparing them to himself, and he doesn't feel so perfect himself).
A few nights ago, he came home drunk around 7 p.m., and when he pulled up, he purposely ran into the back of my son's car and parked his work van on his bumper. My son just could not understand why he would do this?!? When I confronted my A husband, he said it was because he hates my son and just seeing him or his things makes him angry! My husband then left again (to go back out to the bars) and came home in the middle of the night even more drunk.
Tonight my kids are with us, but not really they are all away for a few hours, and what does my husband do?? He came home drunk, told me he hates my kids and is now passed out in our bed. Before passing out he told me that if I can't except that he won't be home when my kids are here, then he should probably move out. How can he make me choose between him and my kids? I could never wallk away from my kids!
It hurts so bad inside to hear him say these things! How can someone who says he loves me, hurt me so badly?? It is eating away at me so bad inside, and I am sure it is slowly making me ill.
My family (even my parents) have no idea what I have been going through the past few years. I am afraid to tell them, as remember this is my second marriage (I've already failed once in everyone's eyes)!
However, I think I'm getting close to the point where even though I love him so much, I will have to give up and tell him to do what he wants. If he leaves, however, I will continue to worry about him and will want him back! Is this crazy! I can't ever imagine finding someone else who loves me!
Wow!! I am not new to this and know that I am not alone, but have never read a post that sounded exactly like my life. You sound like you are going through so much. People see us as strong for putting up with so much, but what they don't understand is that sometimes it takes more strength to walk away. I am married to my husband of four year and sometimes feel so alone and lonely when we are in the same room. My husband has also issued the ultimatum of "Either he goes or I do." I have talked with him about it on several occassians. I don't think their attitudes have anything to do directly with the children themselves. My husband says that I spend more time with my son and pay more attention to the children than I do him. Addiction can cause people to be very needy and selfish. Your husband may be resentful of your attention to the children. Also, it is an convenient excuse for his addiction to continue and even to escalate. Don't let him make you feel guilty. I let my husband know that if he truly tried to make me choose, he would lose. You know in your heart what is right to do. Keep coming back.
It's the disease talking. It's not called the "selfish disease" for nothing. The bad-tempered king on the throne.
And he's trying to isolate you from your kids. Eventually he'll be successful in driving them out, and you'll be his captive audience, then he'll want you to go, too.
I'm sorry, I just noticed you said you are a first timer. You are extremely lucky to find this website. I wish I had found it when I was going through the worst times with my Alcoholic. I remember, one night I stayed up all night searching the internet for help and support because my Alcoholic (referred to as "a"), had been attending AA for a month and was supposedly sober, he said so and vowed up and down that he wasn't drinking, but his eyes were glazed, and he acted drunk, so I was puzzled and worried.
I didn't know that lying is part of the disease of alcoholism. My life experience up to that point had been that if an intelligent adult says something, that it's true.
Anyway, he had been re-doing the brakes on his truck and I thought, what could it be?? Are there fumes from brake fluid that could be the explanation for him acting drunk? I remember asking a mechanic that came to the house about it. He said it was possible. I stayed up all night researching fumes and even emailed an organization about it (it's been 3 years and they haven't returned the desparate email). I finally read about people who had addictions to inhalants and that was really scary. They have big problems.
Later, we visited my mother, and at the end of the visit, she told him how proud she was of him, that he was attending AA (daily) and was sober.
Driving home, I mentioned something about my mom being proud of him quitting drinking, and very low, under his breath, he said, "I'm not." I could barely hear it, but it was such a huge relief to know that I wasn't going completely crazy. I did wonder, why an old lady's pride in him would get him to come clean, and me staying up all night worrying about the mystery brake fluid high, and being with him all month, didn't faze him. Oh well, I was just glad to hear truth. We're not together now, and I'm still trying to rebuild my life. I felt I was supposed to be exposed to Alanon, because it's helped me in all areas.
So, this site will be very helpful to you, and there's a lot to learn here. There are speaker tapes, and links to sites where you can order books and conference approved literature, and find face to face meetings, and there are online meetings here, and whatever resource of Alanon appeals to you, take what you like and leave the rest.
Welcome! My A and I have been married almost 7 years, I have 4 sons, he had one that we lost last year. My A also does the choose game with me, for years I tried to be the referee, but in the last year I learned so many new skills. Last month he flat out told me to choose, I said there is no choice! (Even the 14 yrs I was married to the boys father, it was always me and my boys, the years of being a single mom...) He said he would leave, I said go then...he is still here and has settled down. The blame game is a hard one to live with. Just remember it's not your fault, you can't fix those relationships with him and the kids. I have even told my boys that my A has a disease.....they are very supportive of me. Hang in there. Know people that care surround you. READ READ READ attend meetings and post here often. When you read the posts here you will find that you are not alone.
Good for you in coming here and posting, and you are so right - the stories here are eerily similar, and your hubby fits right in with the crowd!! I would encourage you to read all you can, go to F2F meetings, and learn what you are up against here.... One book, that was a lifesaver for me, was "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. It taught me a lot about what to expect, and that I was NOT crazy.
Your hubby is acting out, as alcoholics do....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi, When I and my second husband married, he did everything possible to come between my children and myself, I had four teenagers, one moment he was trying to be their friend the next he was telling me how rotten they were, then he would try to say they hated me, thought I was a rotten mother, it was always I loved them more then him. Finally I confronted him one day and told him I loved him differently then I did them, they were my kids and I would always love them like a mother should, but he was my husband, and the love I had for him was different, I wasn't emotionally or physically intimate with them, loving him would always be different. From then on, I just kept repeating it until he finally got the picture, it took a while. can't say everything was a piece of cake, but it made life a little easier for everyone. Every now and then he'll say it back to me, so I know that it made a lasting impression.
For years he always had this thing about your always right and Iam always wrong and I kept saying no we're just different, finally just the other day he actually came back and said you know we're just different, your not right and I am not wrong. I guess we always assume others are going to know how to understand different types of love, but I think maybe the less confident one is the more likely they are to mix all the emotions together.and just need more reassurance.
