The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A told me two weeks ago he wanted to get sober. He didn't drink all week. Then I went away last weekend to a Women's Spirituality Retreat for women in sobriety, I trusted him (I had to). When I got home I told him how proud I was of him, ect. Then tonight he asked me to bring home a six pack (I'm not going to do it, he can get it himself, but I won't bring it to him)....and I asked him if this was the first time he's drank and he said he drank a little last weekend when I was gone.
I'm realizing how much of a fairy tale world I was living in. I thought it was going to be all better....I was going to have him back. He said he just wants a beer, he doesn't want to get drunk. I've never heard that before!!!!!!
I'm just frustrated and disappointed and sad. Don't tell me how stupid I am, I already know.
Your not stupid. If you are than we all are. My A is sober now but when I go away and leave I still wonder should I trust him. Than I go. I have to trust him. its no way to live not trusting and I'm sure you had a better weekend because you did. For me It took my A a year to get it. First he cut back. Than only on weekends. Then finally stopped. I'm not sure how long it will last. But I take all the good days I can. Try noot to think of being a fool. Try to think of t all the good things that happened the last two weeks. Stop beating your self up. Let it go.
I agree if you are a fool then we all are for believing things will get better and hoping and praying.
If the last two weeks where good count it as a blessing. It takes time, and he is the one that has to do it. I think it is great you took the time to go on the retreat for yourself.
On one other note, Give him credit for at least being honest. If I asked my husband if it was the first time, he would never have admitted to drinking. For an A, just telling the truth is a huge step.
It's just so hard. I don't know what I'm coming home to. I don't know what I can count on from one day to the next.
We have a life together, a partnership and then one day I come home and I have nothing but myself and an 'adult child'. I want to be able to count on him, I think I deserve that. That's where a lot of my anger comes in. I just don't know how to separate myself, I don't know if I can.
I know he has to want it and only he can do it. I don't understand how he doesn't want it when he could lose everything. I know it's not about me, but I want to believe if he loves us enough that he would do anything....even this.
If you both met in AA, then I assume you still attend meetings? I went to AA meetings with my A, he wanted me to go with him. Lots of great meetings, lots of honest shares. I heard a lot of stories.
You might call his sponsor and ask if he does 12 step calls, and if he says no, leave it alone. They did 12 step calls years ago. One oldtimer told me he wishes they would do that again. There's a lot of people out there hurting. Being plopped into a meeting wouldn't hurt. The stories in the Big Book include 12 step calls. It was the norm in the beginning. Do you have the book at home? It's just a great book, well written and I always got a laugh out of the part that talks about all the different ways they tried to be in control of their drinking. Alcoholics just want to drink like "normal" people, but it's just not gonna happen (I don't really think there is "normal" drinking anyway).
I wouldn't worry about pride not getting someone back into a meeting. It's the nature of the beast. Every single person in those rooms knows it could be them starting all over with a 24 hour chip. The shame would be in staying out there, not in coming back. I've been in AA meetings where the person w 7 years comes back and I just felt tremendous respect for that person. Staying out there is death.
One of my favorite speakers is Father Tom, he's a doublewinner like you. There's a cd that's hilarious, and then tapes going through all the steps. I learned along the way that most AA's eventually need to be in Alanon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. But most aren't, and the attitudes towards Alanons are backwards. No we don't sit around and talk about them. In the beginning to vent maybe, but it becomes all about us more and more.
One thing I came to realize is that an alcoholic can slip anytime. They may have 10, 20, 30 years of sobriety, and it can all be over at anytime. I listened to a tape of Lois (a founder of Alanon) talking about her life, and why she stayed with Bill (co-founder of AA), and she said it was because of the love, she loved him so much, that she was able to go through 17 years of his drinking and his wanting desperately to stop, and not being able to, and then all the rest of his life and hers building up AA, and then, Alanon. When she said that, I realized I didn't have the love required to be with someone who might start drinking in ten years. You have to really love someone knowing there is always that possibility. Nothing is guaranteed. Even your sobriety isn't guaranteed. And, I really believe this, this wouldn't be happening unless there was something in you that needed healing. This is an opportunity to heal right where you are. This is an opportunity to clean up your side of the street, and learn about grace and dignity. There is so much good stuff that comes out of being in Alanon. I also found that living with a sober alcoholic is really difficult. Mine was going to meetings once or twice a day, and he was still difficult, angry, slamming doors, picking fights with me an hour before my Alanon meeting, without fail. So, maybe everything wasn't as rosy as you remember.
Feeling stupid? Welcome to the club! But that's what alcohol does to the non-drinkers. It awakens feeling inside of us that we didn't know we had.
Let me address the issue of "not knowing what your coming home to." I know that feeling so well. When my A relapsed and went back to detox we schedule a meeting with a councelor. One of the biggest issues that came out was this intense fear I had of coming home and wondering what I would I find. The fear can be paralizing. I'd be walking up the hill and suddenly want to find an excuse to go run errands. One time I just sat outside on our patio until I found the courage to go in. But I'm not going to sleep outside because I'm afraid. Why should I? Some times it's the fear of now knowing that holds us back, more than the fear of the truth. I just started assuming (right or wrong) that there was a good possibilty that he was drinking. When he wasn't (which was rare), then it was a good day. That's what made me open the door every day.
You have to find a way that enables you to come home. If I came home and it was a particularly bad day at work, or it wasn't a good scene at home I would go for a long walk. It allowed me to take a deep breath and then go on with the day. I wasn't running away exactly. Maybe just delaying it a bit.
Yes, living with an A is like having a child in the house that doesn't want to grow up. There were days when I wanted to tear my hair out. You're lucky, I didn't find this site until a short while ago. I needed it badly then. But I guess my HP had other things in mind for me.
One thing that helped both of us tremendously. Space. When he relapsed in April and went to detox we had a meeting with a councelor. We both agreed that we needed time apart. I was very uptight at home because of his drinking, and it wasn't a healthy situation for either of us. He moved into the Y, and now he's at a halfway house. The next step for him is assisted living. The first weekend he came home was when I found this site. After reading the posts a lightbulb: came on. Everyone was telling me about the 3Cs. Between that and the Serenty prayer I was afraid to come home. You know what? That turned out to be the best weekend we've had in a year. The weight that was lifted off my shoulders was incredible.
The alcoholic doesn't know how much they have to lose, until they lose it. Their brains aren't wired the same way ours are. He may very well have to hit rock bottom to do that. It may take one or more times for that too. Bye the way, it's not that you can't count on him. It's his disease that you can't count on. That's one of the horrifying things about this disease.
Keep going to meetings and focusing on you. You'll be okay.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You're lucky, I didn't find this site until a short while ago. I needed it badly then. But I guess my HP had other things in mind for me.