The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven’t posted on here much. Just a little background: My A is my boyfriend. He lives with me, I own the house. He is verbally abusive when he’s drunk. And it seems that he is drunk a lot lately. He’s had various surgeries in the past year or so – on his knee, and most recently vertebra fused in his neck. When he gets drunk he is plain and blunt – just stupid – meaning doing stupid things, he thinks he’s Mr. Atlas or something, and then the next morning his neck bothers him. At first I didn’t realize, but it’s fairly obvious that his neck is always very sore/painful on the mornings when he has been drunk the night before. I don’t know how he can not make the connection. Also when he’s drunk he seems to think that he’s this sexual male with a billion females lined up at the door. I can’t stand it when he is drunk and groping at me and then gets mad at me because I am not interested. I don’t know how he could possibly think that that is a turn on for me - or for anyone for that matter. Anyway – he knows that I do not like to have any kind of intimacy with him when he is drunk – he has even said to me, sober, that he knows it and that he understands why. However, once drunk, all that seems to be forgotten. He is terribly abusive to me (verbally). He has called me names, made fun of my religious upbringing – and I do not consider myself religious. Yes – I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools but I am not a weekly church-goer, I don’t walk around quoting Bible verses etc. And just for the record, I am very glad of my upbringing, because without it, I don’t think I could have the strength to go through this. He has on numerous occasions told me that I have a “cross up my a**” or that I have a “stick up my a**”. He tells me that I think I’m better than everyone else, that he must be ugly or fat or disgusting because I don’t want to have sex with him. He does not say these things calmly to me, he lectures me on them – for hours. I have learned to just not say anything while he is doing this, I’ve learned to “put up the brick wall” so that it doesn’t hurt as much. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to cry about it, but it does still hurt. I’ve tried to talk to him about it – obviously when I do it while he’s drunk it does nothing but make him enraged about something else. I’ve “lost it” a couple of times and screamed back at him. No results from that either, and I know that I should not be doing that. I’ve mentioned some things to him the next day when he is sober. He has long ago stopped saying he is sorry. The last response I got from him was “I don’t know what to say”. I let it drop. I didn’t pursue it. I knew that he was aware of what he did or said and that’s all I really wanted it to be. However, it never changes anything. He is still abusive when he’s drunk. In fact the last time he was drunk and was insulting me, he said, “and I don’t want to hear about this tomorrow.” That really hurt. If I talk to him about it when he is sober, he just gets it all misconstrued when he is drunk and I get yelled at for that, along with everything else. If I don’t talk about it, then when he is drunk he yells at me for never sharing anything with him. In fact, there have been quite a few things lately I wanted to share with him but I stopped myself because the last couple of times I have shared dreams and ideas and stuff with him he just puts them down and makes fun of them when he is drunk.
He does not admit that he is an A. The only thing I’ve heard/seen is that I know he lies to his doctor about how much he drinks, so obviously he knows that it’s too much.
He is, of course, very Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. And he is wonderful when he is sober, but so so abusive when he is drunk. Which makes me wonder – is he really abusive and it’s just the alcohol that allows him to show it. But I can’t discuss that with him when he is sober, because he doesn’t want to discuss anything to do with drinking, because I “focus too much on his drinking”.
I really don’t know what to do. I care for him – I honestly do not know if I can say that I still love him. As a human being – yes I love him, in a relationship – I don’t know if I still do or if I ever can again. He has betrayed my trust, he has put me down so many times I feel worthless – even though I know that I am not. I am depressed. I’m a shy and introverted person (in fact it’s taken me weeks to actually post here) and I don’t have many friends I confide in, but even those are now afraid to call me. Each drunken night I pray that no one calls on the phone, that no one happens to come over. I am embarrassed, I feel shame and I feel helpless. I found the AlAlon meeting place, which happens to be pretty close to my house, but I am afraid to go – it has happened on almost every occasion that if he is drunk and I go somewhere, that I must be having an affair, or cheating on him – doesn’t matter if it’s 5 minutes or 5 hours that I am gone. If I’m on the phone than I’m ignoring him, or having phone sex with someone, or talking about him. If I try to go to another room I am ignoring him, or I get the “sure just walk away” response and then he will yell from the other room. If I’m gone when he is sober, usually the next time he’s drunk he’ll use that as – oh I must have been off having sex with someone. I feel trapped.
I feel like he is sucking the life out of me. For example, he was watching tv (sober) and I wanted to work on my photo scrapbook. So I brought my stuff out to the living room so that I would be in the same room with him. I only asked him or showed anything to him during commercials so I wouldn’t be accused of disturbing him. I thought everything was hunky dory. Boy was I wrong. Next time he got drunk all I heard was complaining about it. It seems as if I cannot have any other interests other than having sex with him. If I talk about something that interests me I get accused of being more excited about that than I am about having sex with him. I’m a creative person – I like to sew and quilt and do calligraphy and scrapbook and read and garden. But everytime I do these things I feel like I have to rush so I won’t be yelled at for it later. When I first met him and got involved with him I thought he liked me because of those things. My family was very heavily involved in car racing and I am interested in that. I like to watch NASCAR on tv and I can “talk the talk” with males on engines and whatever, I can change my own oil, etc.. No I don’t know everything, no I’m not an expert, but it’s traditionally more of a male interest than a female one. I’ve always kind of been “one of the guys” and I have no problem with that and when we first met he liked that. Now all of a sudden “I’m not much of a woman”.
He is so financially drowning it’s not funny. In the past he actually gave me his checkcard and I took care of his finances – he’s one of those people that the $ just burns a hole in his pocket. And I was doing pretty good at it – I was keeping him afloat. I know that really sounds enabling doesn’t it. He asked me to do it – so I did – I thought he wanted my help. But then he decided that was giving me too much “control”. Okay – that’s fine – I’d really rather NOT take care of someone else’s finances. But now he is even below living paycheck to paycheck. Our bank allows you to take advances if you have direct deposit. So now he’s constantly taking advances. I can’t believe the amount of $ he spends at bars. He’s not paying me anything of the $ he owes me, he’s not paying any medical bills, he very rarely buys food. So what’s left, gas cigarettes and booze. He’s smart – I don’t understand how he cannot see that this is what he’s spending ALL of his money on. He’s going through a Chapter 13 – I think it’s that last year of it.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know I cannot and do not want to keep living like this – I want ME back. When he goes out to the bars, I am disappointed, then I get angry, then I start to worry if he’ll get home safe, then a short sigh of relief when I here him pulling up, which quickly turns to angry/disappointed again because of the “state” of how drunk he is. I can’t take this rollercoaster of emotions much longer. I know it’s affecting my health. I know my blood pressure is not bordering high when it used to be the epitome of normal. My stomach is in knots, I can’t wait for sleep to escape but then I don’t sleep well. I’m tired of sitting there twisting my hands while he lectures me about something. This is not the man I fell in love with.
I have often asked myself the question “Why don’t you tell him to leave” Why don’t I. I am making it on my own – I own the house, I make the payments – mortgage, phone, utilities, etc. I don’t need him to help with that. But I just can’t tell him to leave knowing that he has no money to get an apartment. I can’t have him sleeping under a bridge or whatever. I know that sounds so stupid. I know it’s not my fault (well it probably is because by letting him live with me I’m enabling him), but I can’t very well kick another human being to the curb and just leave him lying there. That is my number one problem. I know that right now I am not sure if I really want him to leave or not, but when I do – how can I overcome that problem of feeling guilty.
I pray all the time asking for strength, asking my HP to please help him. I know I am going through this for a reason, but I, for the life of me, cannot figure out what that reason is. I know it will be revealed to me when it’s supposed to, but I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I don’t want to hit MY bottom, I shouldn’t have to. I didn’t ask for this, I don’t want this and I would like to change this while I still have some sanity left, but I feel like I am trapped. Why does the A continue to “have a good time” of it all and not worry about anything and not have to take responsibility for his actions, and I have to suffer.
Holy crap – that was long winded. I thank you for reading and making it through it all. Thanks for letting me vent and now I’m going to hit post before I chicken out and delete it.
Whew!! girlfriend, that's a load to carry!! We aren't supposed to give advice here and none of us are really qualified to do so. We can only share our own experiences.
I just ask you to take a step back and look at the big picture. That enabling thing...lol It appears he has a free place to live with utilities paid. Who wouldn't want that?? He isn't responsible for anything? Pays you for nothing? That's enabling and he has no consequences for his actions. .
I can surely understand how you feel trapped..But you are not. You are only trapped by what you and your mind allows yot to be trapped in. You are one of the lucky few that own your own home without the alcoholic signed on the papers too. Since you can't "kick him to the curb"...but would like him out, how about a 30 day notice to him? That would be sufficient time for him to figure out what he is going to do and where he is going to go. If he hasn't figured it out by then, it's not your fault, you will have giveng him time to save his money and find a place. You will have been more then fair. He's an adult, it's up to him to figure it out.
Alanon can help you recover from the destruction the relationship has caused. Even when he's gone there will be pcs. to pick up and healing to do.
Come on in to the chatroom and lurk :) You'll find some friends that understand.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
OMG, when I was reading your post I could have sworn I was reading something I had written myself. Our situations are sooo similar it's scary! Though, my ABF doesn't even work anymore...
I know all about the personal attacks - "you think you're so much better than everyone else..." Blah blah blah... I just take it with a stone face but I cry inside... Wondering what kid I used to tease in elementary school put a hex on me.
Oh, and the sex. YUCK... I freeze like a deer in headlights. I hate when he touches me.
On weekends it's different. Nice guy, funny, goofy, the guy I met almost 9 years ago. Now, every night that I drive home I pray that he's passed out so I don't have to deal with him and his abuse. I started seeing a counselor over a year ago. It has helped me not personalize a lot of what he says and does to me. That has helped. I'm actually starting to plan my escape. I'm going to sell MY house and run far away from him.
I live day to day, hour to hour sometimes minute to minute. But, I live... And dream of what it will be like to again be normal...
Well, I just wanted to reach out to you and say hi.... I understand!!
On my gratitude list tonight, thanks that my late husband not my A (my daughter is). I am so sad for what you are going through.
About a year ago, I used to be literature person for my home group, and got some little books called Sexual Intimacy and The Alcoholic Marriage. They were reduced price, and I made a little joke in the meeting, that I had plenty of plain envelopes and anyone wanting one could see me after the meeting. I sold out in minutes. You see, many, many people have gone through exactly what you are facing.
All we can offer you are the meetings, the program, and the one to one help that members give each other. Try to get to a meeting if you possibly can.
One last note, we urge newcomers to refrain from dramatic life changes till they have been in the program 6 months .......EXCEPT when they are in danger. Only you know the answer to that. I am glad you own the house, it gives you options, you can decide to sell and move on, get him to leave (but dont be surprised if he turns up again, sigh, it is the disease). In Alanon, you will find friends who will support you in your decisions.
I wish you well, thank you for your share, makes me realise how glad I am not to live with active alcoholism now. Pop into the chatroom, whether you get to a meeting or not.
With very best wishes
Flora xxxxx
PS The booklet is CAL, can be bought from groups, or, I believe, from the WSO.
I think maybe you do need to hit your bottom - to feel bad enough so that you say "Enough! I deserve better than this!"
One thing to remember about alcoholics - they feel horrible about themselves. Therefore, they need to put other people down, and blame others for their faults, so that they can feel good in comparison. One reason we are alanons, one reason we love alcoholics, is that for some reason, we are the only people who will put up with this. We start to believe all the crap they hand us, about how useless we are. Once we wake up and say "Wait a minute, I deserve to be treated with love and respect by the person I love", we start to heal.
I know it's hard to stand up for yourself if you are not used to doing it. For me, baby steps were the way. I would keep on doing what I was doing and enjoying, even though I knew he thought I should stop. One of the hardest things I ever did was say "I love you, but I can't allow you to talk to me this way", and then leave, when he was being abusive. (He was sober, I wasn't brave enough to do it when he was drunk). It made a difference, though, and gradually things started to change.
Go to meetings, please. If he isn't mad at you about that, he'll be mad about something else, so you might as well do what you need to to start to get better. There you will find the acceptance and support that you need. You'll find it here, too. Please keep coming back.
One other thing - I know it's hard to think about kicking him out, leaving him with no place to go. However, by enabling him, you may in fact be standing between him and the shock he needs to get sober. This is a fatal disease, if he doesn' t sober up, it will eventually kill him. You are not doing him any favours by keeping him from hitting his bottom.
I would like to think if anyone was living under my roof without any contribution, I would have a say in how they conduct themselves as a condition to stay there. Although my behavior while drinking was not he same, there are certain similarities that lead me to believe he needs to hit bottom before he wakes up. If you keep enabling an active alcoholic, you are not doing him a favor. Maybe actually being homeless might wake him up. It took the loss of my job of 19 years to get my ass in gear and take recovery seriously. You need to be prepared; you will be the blame for all the misery he is going to experience no mater what happens from now on until he is either recovered or dead. If you maintain the status quo, you will be blamed for his problems, (as you already are now). If you kick him out you will be blamed for all his problems associated with that. There is no easy way out for you right now, but if you listen to the experience, strengh, and hope of others who have been there, you may find a way that in the long run is best for you, and potentially best for him.
I used to live much as you are living. My husband drank and ranted and raved at me. I worked and made the money, he drank and did not work. He drank 24/7. I was the BIG-TIME ENABLER.
I was miserable. I gained ALOT of weight in the 3 years since he got fired and his alcoholism got so bad. My blood pressure used to be normal and then by April of this year it was borderline high.
My husband would rant and rave for hours. When I first joined alanon I learned that living with an alcoholic is living with INSANITY. Nothing makes sense. This freed my mind from trying to figure out all the CRAP> I learned not to talk to my husband when he was srinking, talking to an insane person id a waste of time.
i learned that I had CHOICES. I did not have a car. I walked to the alanon meetings or rode my bike at night. It was hard to go through the door the first time. I am shy too. i cried during the whole meeting but I KEPT GOING BACK. WHY? Because alanon taught me that I HAVE CHOICES on how I wanted to live.
I did not want to ruin my health and my life with an alcoholic who would not seek recovery.
I have worked the alanon program very hard and have been active in the program since 7/04.
I left my husband in may.
I LOVE my new life. I am a better sister, friend, employee and person than I have been able to be in YEARS. I feel this is the way my HP wants me to live.
My alcoholic is still drinking 24/7.
I CANNOT SAVE HIM, but through the alanon program aand the grace of God that led me here, I am saving myself.
It is so good to see you reaching out dogscibe
megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
It is true that while we are not supposed to give advice here, I see no mention of not saying what we would do under similar circumstances. So, here is what I would do; you can take this to the bank. I would dump this guy now, before another minute passes. Why on earth do you allow this behavior in your home? What makes you do this to yourself? My dear, you are worth so very much more than this. I wish you well; honestly I do, but if I were you, I would be sooo rid of this loser. Just try to imagine the rest of your life spent like this. Now that's a truly scary thought. Chances are good things will never get any better. My prayers are with you dear one.
With deep caring and concern, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thanks for sharing this post! You made me realize that I am not alone!
When I read your post, I couldn't believe how so much of what you were saying is what I am going through too! It made me realize that maybe I am not the cause of my A husband's problems! Even though he makes me feel that way.
When I finished reading your post, I registered and submitted my own post. You know just typing out how I'm feeling tonight and finding out I'm not alone is beginning to make me feel a little bit stronger! We can be strong, right?
I hope you can find a way to move on and make him leave! I made the mistake and married my A love. It only made things more difficult!
as I read your post, I was watching tv coverage of a hurricane. waters are rising, and one couple had the husband trying to convince the wife to go to safety. she was high and beyond reason. he stayed, trying to convince her to go. heartbreaking! but I got to thinking about the everyday danger of drowning in this alcoholism, how it spills into the whole family, and how each of us decides whether to go or stay. Reading your situation, I want you to find space to be yourself safely. If you're with him or not, continue to do things you enjoy without fear of his rebuke. he's going to react to real or imagined offenses, you cannot continue to be diminished by trying to avoid his criticism. i went to the corner drugstore and got earplugs. it doesn't cut out his voice, but it sure takes the sting out :) Mostly I urge you to find and attend alanon meetings. as for the guilt, decide ahead of time to limit your guilt to 5 minutes of "quality guilt". wouldn't you trade 5 minutes of feeling guilty a day for the chance to have the rest of your life back? eventually you'll re-claim even that 5 minutes. you'll be OK. let us know how you are. --Jill
Welcome. Thank you for opening up your vulnerable heart and sharing. I'll bet it made you feel good to write it all out.
The one thing I notice when someone tells it all (and you were very brave, it took courage, applause, applause to you), is that there is a little indignation (understandable) from people on this board, and a feeling of wanting to protect you, and you will hear a few well meaning people say to kick the bum out. In my opinion that isn't what Alanon is about. You would hear people say that who aren't in Alanon. Basically, anyone you asked on the street would say that.
Yes, I would love to pick him up and carry him off with a helicopter and deposit him in a mental hospital under lock and key so he will never come into your life again. It saddens me to hear that the big bully (of alcoholism) is stomping on your trusting heart. But, when you hear someone say to kick the bum out, that closes you up, puts you on the defensive, and you don't share, and that's not good to be isolated like that.
So, if you are not in physical danger yet (it sounds like it's coming because he is jealous and trying to isolate you), I want so very much for you to go to that Alanon meeting that is near your house, and make it a regular habit. Find a meeting that is safe to go to wherever it is. They were just as shy as you, and it takes courage to go to your first meeting. Maybe you can tell him you are going to attend Alanon meetings because his drinking is making your life hell. Or if you feel the need to hide it for awhile, then do that. I would suggest that you not tell him where the meeting is, and don't share what anyone talked about. What you hear in an Alanon meeting and who you see there, stays there. It's also good to keep your posts and this website private. Alanon is for you, and you need to be able to share without being censored.
You are very lucky that your house and finances are separate from him, and you're not married, and I didn't hear that you had children with him. Please keep it that way especially now. Money troubles are part of the disease of alcoholism. They go hand in hand. They call this the "wreakage of the past" but it's the present for you. Everything you shared with us is part of the disease of alcoholism. Every word you shared has been said here many times.
Right now, your spirit is in shreds. You have been beaten down more than you realize, and some hugs and meetings with people who know exactly what you're talking about is just the thing. What you learn in Alanon will help you get your spirit back and indirectly, the behavior changes in yourself will indirectly help him.
Just another little bit, now that I've read a post or two of yours. When I get beaten down by anyone, and if it's on a regular basis, I need to realize that I live in a free country. Slavery in this country was abolished a long time ago. Walking on eggshells hurts. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I hope you can gather the courage to go to an Alanon meeting. I suspect your bf is a sex addict, in addition the the alcoholism.
THE FOUR FREEDOMS excerpt from the speech by Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1941.
"We look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of speech and expression --everywhere in the world. The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way-- everywhere in the world. The third is freedom from want... --everywhere in the world. The fourth is freedom from fear..."
It's something to think about. Many, many, many people have died defending these freedoms, for me and you, and if I am living in fear, afraid to express myself in my own home, then what did they die for?
Did you see "the Joy Luck Club" where the girl from the Chinese background is in love with a basically nice guy that has, over the years, gotten used to his wife deferring to him, and feeling that he was better and more of a whole human being than she was. In the end, instead of going along with the divorce and letting him have his way, and drop his "less than" wife, she finally gets a backbone and stands up for herself, and calmly tells him she's keeping the house and will get her due, and doesn't make the obligatory peanut butter pie for him, and he loves her more for it.
This is the first chance I've had to come back to check out this board. Thank you all SO much for the replies - you don't know how much they mean to me - just to know that someone understands and that someone even KNOWS the stuff I'm feeling.
On a brighter note - I am going to a "rubber stamping" home party tomorrow (and Tuesdays are one of his "scheduled" drinking nights). I am looking forward to it, but still kind of nervous.
And to answer someone's question - nope - no kids. We do have 2 dogs though that I think of as my kids.
And I'm going to write down the adress, times and phone numbers of the meeting group that is close to me and put t hem in my wallet. That way if I get that brave at least I will have the information with me.
Anyway - thank you all again so much, and I hope that I can contribute to this board like you all to me.
