Hope for Today - September 23

    I suffered from the compulsive need for
perfection that I developed while growing up with
an alcoholic mother.  I found that trying to be
perfect was the best defense against her anger.
There was no way of knowing what would upset my
mother next, and I believed perfect behavior and
achievement would protect me from her dangerous responses.
   

######ROSIE.....my parents  , especially my predator father,  used to berate me so badly for making a **goof*  that i would just cringe at the thought of having to do anything, i was sure i would  f*** it up and  get insults upon insult heaped on me.......so i drove myself to either be totally  **goof* free or don't even try.....so i avoided stuff/ good opportunities out of the fear of failure....he drummed it in my head that i was a failure and somewhere in my child mind, i **bought it*   i developed a core belief that i was a  **born failure*    i literally began to  hate my **defective self*   it was awful,   now i am in recovery and realizing that i am **ok, just the way i am-- wonderfully  and perfectly IMperfect*  and to hell with what others think.....

 A friend who often witnesses my destructive
habit of criticizing myself told me of a mistake she
made one morning.  Instead of pouring her orange
juice into a glass, she poured it into her coffee as if
it were cream.  She knew if I had made the same
error, it would have been occasion for intense self-
derision at my imperfection, and she was right. 

######ROSIE.....i remember years ago  playing tennis with my best friend and i was having a **bad hair day* on the courts,  i am prety good but this particular day i **stunk up the court*  well what did i do???  i berated myself,  called myself  you  #$#$#$#  jerk!! and so on...i hit my head with the tennis racquet in disgust, and she stood there,  and has the saddest look on her face and she asked me  "rosie, why do you hate yourself so much????"   it would be years before i would understand why,   now i am **reprogramming*  my sub mind with affirmations and words of self love......now when i make a mistake??? sure i don't like them,  but i **get over it*  much faster and i am more willing to say  **ok,  so what???"     when i think of the pressure i put on myself,  wow!!! it is amazing i didn't really hurt myself in those **old days of self abuse*  most of it was verbal , thank god,  but i did physically beat myself too!!!! i bore the bruises to prove it and than had to  lie as to  **how i got that boo boo*   now i want to love me  to help me  to take care of me.....

I
was completely mystified by her casual dismissal of
the mistake.  I envied her ability to simply pour the
coffee and juice mixture out of her mug and start
over again.  How could she laugh off the incident so
easily?  I had no idea how to treat myself in such a
gentle, forgiving way.
   

########ROSIE.....yeah, like my friend "rocksie"   she just  **blows it off"      "no biggie"  she says, and i am becomming more and more like her as i work this program......and i do say  "how important is this really???"   i also  slow down and think and work to stay in my body to help myself be more focused on what i am doing and not what i **dream to do--if only life would..................*     i am getting better at focusing on the **right now*   slowing down,  and being more kind and gentle and forgiving myself....

 A particular Al-Anon tool showed me how to apply
the lessons of my friend's story to my own life.  The
repeated hearing and reading of the slogan "How
Important Is it?" helped me to work this question
into my daily experience. 

#########ROSIE.....yes,  over and over again, i ask  "how important is this????"   seen in that perspective makes the **small stuff*  be just that....as rocksie says   "no biggy"......i do have to discipline myself to apply my new tools for behaviour, but this program is working

 I finally understood that
no serious damage is gone when orange juice is
poured into coffee.  I learned to distinguish which
behaviors result in consequences that need serious
attention, and which ones do not.  I came to
understand that actions are about responsibility,
not judgment.  I have now learned to be as gentle
with myself as I am with others.

######ROSIE....yeah, now i look at it as   "ok, is this gonna kill me???  kill someone else???? is this gonna put me on the streets?????  is this threatening my basic survival needs????"   if the answer is  "NO"   which 99.5 % of the time it will be....than i can **get past it*   so much better......now i would like to think that i  feel the appropriate feelings towards a **goof up*  like if it is big??? than i will let the feelings fly,  but still--- i can always go to steps  1,2,3,  as well.......i am more patient with me now

Thought for the Day
     What is my barometer for determining "How
Important Is It?"

      

#######ROSIE....well i am **progressing*   still need work,  but thats ok....i know that  a lot of my shortcommings i can get rid of...the rest?? well how about **managing* them to the point where they don't cripple me like they used to......or being able to   **detach---give in---give over*   my  short take on the first three steps.......i may not completely  **get rid*  of my  old **survival tools*  but i can manage them,  i can apply the program to them and be able to **live well in spite of them*...

 "Most of the time I find that what I might have
       viewed as a disaster is really insignificant."
             *Courage to Change* , p. 228

  ----------
##########ROSIE....oh yeah,  after i **breathe*  calm down and  work the steps,  say the slogans, etc.....i allow the feelings, yes,  than i take a **second* look and usually the data going into my brain is a bit more realistic when the feelings are over,  so the feelings are more appropriate this time,  than i can accept and   take action........thank you,  done-----rosie