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I know not to ask for advice, so I'm asking for opinions. I posted last week about my 18 year old son going drinking for the first time (a co-worker who thinks my son HAS to drink). I didn't try to stop my son, I simply told him I thought it was a bad idea, but he's a big boy and has to make up his own mind, which he did.
Last night he went back to that same fellow's place, drank a bit (not a lot) but drove home. I am glad he is not afraid to confide in me, but at the same time, my blood ran cold. A part of me wants to drag him off to an AA meeting to hear their stories, and wants to drag his friend there too, or at least give his friend a piece of my mind. Another part of me wants to ask my son to move out, cause I don't think I can watch another life be taken over by alcohol.
My question is, am I wrong to try and encourage him not to drink at this stage in the game? Should I just sit back on my hands and watch him turn into an A like his father? There's no saying he will or he won't, and the teachings of al-anon tell me to take care of myself and let the a take care of himself, but for my son this is "early in the game". Am I over-reacting due to the hurt his a father has caused me?
well the good news is you can't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. So it won't affect his career of alcoholism or tea-tottling whether you do or don't. I'd say do whatever you want. Focus on yourself.
My kids know exactly how I feel about drinking, and why. We have discussed what we would do if they had been drinking and called for a ride home, and how the repercussions for driving drunk, and driving WITH a drunk, would be much tougher. They know that their drinking would not be taken lightly at home ( my husband is a clean and sober A and addict, active in AA) but they also know lots of people who drink occasionally, and responsibly.
If you have never really talked openly about this to your son, I think it might be time to start. You could sit down with him, he's old enough, and tell him the truth - "I don't know if I am over reacting, because of the past. Here's how I feel..." and be as honest with him as you are with us, and more. If he knows all this, however, and you would just be repeating something he's heard a thousand times, then there's not much point in nagging. Trust him to find his own way through life - there are bars on every corner, he's got to find a way to live with a society that drinks.
You do, however, have every right to set some ground rules in your own home. If you don't want drinking in your house, you have the right to insist on that. Drinking and driving, the same thing. Anyway, I'd sit down and talk to him, in a non confrontational way, making it about you, and your feelings, rather than about controlling him, which boys that age don't take kindly to.
well BC if your like me there is apretty good chance your over reacting. You have been hurt by the disease of alcoholism and your fears are well founded , I heard someone say once " The more I try to open someones eyes , the more they close thier ears." make sence?
You have a right to explain your fears to your son and thn let it go - u can't stop him anymore than you could his father, keep going to meetings focus on yourself and work on boundaries . We all know that lectures don't work , tears don't work making them feel guilty dosent work hopefully your son will loose his facination with having a drink or two . If son is driving your vehicle or if it is in your name , you do have choices in this situation but not much else.
good luck try not to project disaster. And remember that he has a HP too. something I always forgot. Louise
From everything you've told us thus far, he is being VERY responsible, for an 18-year old kid.... Me thinks YOUR history, and fears, of alcoholism & all the crap that goes with it - are skewing your view of this situation.... I think it is natural for us to 'hope' that they won't choose to drink, but he does, IMO, deserve to be treated with some respect, and allowed to make your own decisions..... You cannot stop him from drinking - but you CAN drive an unnecessary wedge in your relationship with him, at this time....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
"Focus on yourself" runs off the tongue so easily, but when it is your child you're worried about, it's a whole different ball game. I do believe your guidance, help, and advice should be at the ready, and you are right not to take a cavalier attitude towards a potential problem with drinking. There is little you can actually do except be there, and be the beacon of reason for this young man. I wish you well, and will keep your son in my prayers. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thanks all for your words of wisdom. I am grateful.
I feel much better today, having read posts, and talked to friends, and realize he will do what he will do. He has been a good kid and to date and has not given me many gray hairs...I think my 13 year old daughter will provide those!!!
Yes, I agree that with the history my thinking is skewed. I admit that I hate alcohol, something I have to learn to deal with.
