The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have two young kids (grade school) and am considering a very serious relationship with an A. I understand that my kids will not be able to inherit the addiction, but I am left concerned about what might happen to them being in such an environment.
What sort of danger signs (in the kids) should I be looking for? Is that too late? I know I can't be there all the time for them, and she does have the appearance of being a terrific mom. (Danger sign here: one of her kids refuses to have anything to do with her.)
One can never predict the effect that a situation will have on an individual really, as each of us are unique. Sure statistically we can review cases and documented case of these effects, but it still comes down to the individual. All we can do is our best. I just wanted to comment that although someone may be an alcoholic, it doesn't mean that they will be abusive or harmful. Matter of fact, there are some completely functional alcoholics. I guess it all comes down to how something is handled, as some of us (myself included) can probably often have portrayed the same characteristics as an alcoholic because of our anxiety and stress level being so high at times-- At least until we realize that our response to situations creates who we are more than the situations effect us.
Having a STRONG relationship with God, I would just say to trust your heart and find a peace about your decision. Often times, we don't have peace about something-- I have learned the hard way that when I don't have peace about something that it means that the situation needs to be given more time until it becomes clearer. Then of course, the patience issue with me is extreme and I struggle tremendously with always wanting the answer YESTERDAY-- haha, so what I do is pray and remind myself that God has a plan for all of us and if the situation is part of the plan for our life, there is NOTHING we can do to prevent it or implement it successfully and just wait-- Be Still. :)
Just some simple words to remind us.... Be Still
The answers will come. The more we try to force understanding or a choice, the harder it is and more out of control it spins.
Hi I am emgaged to an alcoholic. I worry sometimes that it will cause problems, but I am also learning how to deal with those issues through this site. I know alot here wouldnt agree with me, but he treats me better is more responsible and loving and is great to my daughter! More than ayone including my ex husband could ever have thought of being, he just happens to be an alcoholic. I detest the alcoholism!!!! but I love him very deeply, and its something i know we will have to possibly deal with in the furture . richer or poorer, in sickeness and in health.....
Trust your heart, seek God and listen.....just like the other post said....Good Luck and keep posting..this is a wonderful place....
Hi - not trying to take sides or offer advice here, but I do think you could consider the fact that alcoholism can be both inherited (genetic) AND learned (behavioral). To say that your kids won't become alcoholic because this woman is not their biological mother, is only part of the equation.
In my situation, I am separated from my recovering A wife, on the way to divorce. One of my main criteria, for the next woman in my life, is that alcohol will NOT be a significant part of her overall makeup. My experience around alcoholism, is enough so that I would rather raise my kids as a single dad, as opposed to subject them to some of the downfalls of addiction.
Hope you make the right decision for you.... It is never clear cut.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Is she a practicing alcoholic? Or is she sober with a program (AA). Either way, for your sanity and healing with this lady or for the future, Alanon can only help.
It's a HUGE red flag that one of her kids doesn't have anything to do with her.
My theory is that, when alcoholics come into our life, it is a way of telling us that we have healing to do. My little theory is that even if you ran like hell away from her, you would be missing an opportunity to heal yourself with Alanon. Usually, once the alcoholic is out of our lives, we stop going to Alanon, and then, guess what? Another alcoholic shows up in our lives because we need to do some healing work on ourselves. So, the best thing, now that you've gotten a head's up from the Universe, is to go to Alanon, no matter if she's in your life or not, and do the work on yourself that needs to be done. There's a real wholistic healing that happens in Alanon. So, that's my little theory and I know I'm right, so there.
There's one meeting for guys in my city. I've heard it's harder on guys to have an alcoholic wife. And most people in Alanon are women, so less people who can identify with you.
If it was me, and if I was smarter than most humans (which I'm not), I would keep myself and my young kids solo. I would attend Alanon, and learn as much as I could, because I will be attracting alcoholics into my life until I learn the lesson I'm supposed to learn, so why not learn it sooner rather than later? I would not want my young kids to grow up with an alcoholic mother. If she's an active alcoholic, absolutely a deal breaker for me, and if she's a really good active member of AA and attends regularly, and has had sobriety for many years, and is a loving and wonderful person, and I have checked all the background, including red flag daughter, then, slightly, 5% maybe. But the red flag daughter is really important. A loving mother doesn't have a daughter that refuses to have anything to do with her. I'd say your kids come first.
I just read your previous post with all the great responses. I know that your A is newly sober, and living long distance from you. You mentioned you've been dating her for months. So, now I also want to welcome you to the roller coaster. You are in it, you are not skirting the edges, you are right in it, and my previous post stands: When an alcoholic comes into our lives, they come not as a grubby, digusting person, but as a vibrant, loveable, beautiful, sexy companion. They are great people. They have a disease. The fact that they come into our lives with so much appeal is because if they came any other way, we wouldn't be attracted to them, and the opportunity for the healing that WE need couldn't happen. I said WE need, not them.
You are one of us, the Universe wants you to take this opportunity to heal and learn all the wonderful things you can learn in Alanon. If you don't take this opportunity now, then you'll meet more and more charming alcoholics until you do.
The run like the hills option sounds so hard and callous. Of course you won't run like the hills, because you have a heart. A friend of mine went back and forth over that one. Everyone told her to kick him to the curb, and she had known her A 30 years ago, as a virile handsome man. He was her friend, and they had history together. In his addiction, he had burned ALL his bridges, and my friend was his last hope. She hated him and loved him, and because she had a heart, even though people were telling her to get rid of him, where do you kick a good friend when you are their last hope? She was ugly and mean to him, but she loved him. Her behavior was attrocious, and out of control and scary. She didn't have time for Alanon. She became the crazy one, which is what happens. We become out of control.
The charming, loveable, sexy woman probably doesn't have that bad of an addiction (you're hoping). I mean, engineers like you can measure it, and do a lot of research on her, and completely focus on her and dissect it all. And you won't even notice that you are doing what every person does who loves an alcoholic since the beginning of time. So, yes, dear, you are fully qualified right now to be in Alanon. I encourage you to jump into Alanon and AA and read conference approved literature and immerse yourself. That's the only way you can help her. She has AA and that's wonderful. I hope she never stops going. You have a hard road ahead of you. If you do it without Alanon, it will be hard indeed. But with the support and love and fellowship of Alanon, there is so much love and healing that can happen for YOU.
Just wanted to add a little insight I had, last week when talking to my daughter about her dad. She is 13 now, he sobered up when she was ten. She was mad at him, because took off to be by himself on his days off, after being out of town working for the previous two weeks. She missed him, and also had some things that she needed him to do. I was telling her "You know that you need to let your dad know what you want, he won't go looking for things he can do for you, that's just part of his disease. However, you know that if you let him know, he will do his best to make you happy, he loves you even if he doesn't always show it." She said she understood, that once he understood her needs, he would usually go overboard, trying to please her. She then started talking about how all her friends thought she had the best dad, how much fun he was, etc. In one way, this made me happy, because one reason I stayed through the bad years was because he loved the kids so much, and they loved him. It also made my blood run cold. I realized - this is what male love feels like to her, this is the kind of guy she will always look for in order to feel loved by a man. A charming, fun guy who is emotionally unavailable, who always will keep her guessing, and feeling like she is not quite, quite, good enough. When we raise our kids with an alcoholic parent, we are giving them a picture of what marriage should look like that may lead to them making bad choices later on. Think very carefully about what messages you are sending your children, make sure they are the ones you want to send.
You wrote: "I realized - this is what male love feels like to her, this is the kind of guy she will always look for in order to feel loved by a man. A charming, fun guy who is emotionally unavailable, who always will keep her guessing, and feeling like she is not quite, quite, good enough. When we raise our kids with an alcoholic parent, we are giving them a picture of what marriage should look like that may lead to them making bad choices later on. Think very carefully about what messages you are sending your children, make sure they are the ones you want to send.
That is one of the best insights I've read anywhere. Wise words.
