Welcome!

One of the first things I have learned is that A's have a way of blaming us for all their behaviors, if it is not us; it is their childhoods, their boss, the traffic, financial situation, their friends, or their families.  It is always someone else's fault. I have learned....I didn't cause it and I can't cure it.  I know how hard it is to watch my A do the same things over and over again; he recognizes that he is hurting the ones who care the most.  I have learned not to threaten him with me leaving anymore, because the next time I say that I am leaving, I will follow through.  Take care of you, read, read, read, attend meetings, post here often, read some more.  Work on you. 

Last year I was so angry at my A, I threw a phone at the wall behind where he was laying, it hit him in the head, I went to jail.  We had a no contact order for over 3 weeks; I stayed at his parent’s house.  One day I was talking to my sister on the phone and I said..."I am so co-dependent" and her reply was "and this is news to who?" This last year has been a constant learning experience for me.  Because of my charge of Domestic Violence, I have taken anger management, and DV classes....here is the clincher....I work at and Alcohol/Drug treatment agency, so I have really paid attention to the counselors here....I have admitted to everyone, my husband is an alcoholic.....I have started admitting to everyone, sometimes he hurts my feelings, my self esteem, and my heart.....I no longer make excuses for him, I am learning to set boundaries.....and stick to them. (That is hard)

Hang in there, treat yourself gently, do nice things for you (even if it's listening to music for 10 minutes a day), love yourself, take care of you....and read about the disease...

Hugs Mary

 

Welcome to the board--its great to post here, especially when you can't fit in the f2f meetings all the time. Its also nice immediate gratification to vent on the board.
this is my 2cents on your post.
Addicts use their substances to cope with everything--if they stop using and have no other method to cope in their repetoire(sp?)--they just get crankier and crankier. thats why they need a program, thats why they need support from people like themselves.
when my H stopped using marijuana, he was hell to live with. everything bothered him--not that it didn't bug him b4----its just that when he was high, he didn't care what the kids did, or if the house wasn't picked up, or what i was doing, looked like etc.
everybody's situation is its own sad tale, isn't it? but there is hope amidst it all--and a wonderful sense of community and the realization that none of us are alone.
take care-
Jeanne

Hi, and welcome to you. You are lucky to have found this site.

You could almost be someone in my family. I know you're not, but see how similar these stories are?

I want to tell you this to validate you. Yes, she has a drinking problem. She has a whopping problem. It's serious and you've been all alone. No, you're not crazy, she really is impossible and mean and crazy making. That's the disease of alcoholism. It takes a wonderful lady that you married and turns her into something else.

And the strange thing is that the only way you can help her, is to nurture and love yourself enough to keep going to Alanon meetings, reading conference approved literature, make those phone calls, post here, take advantage of the resources, jump in and find comfort for yourself.

Alanons give the A encouragement and understanding. To me that means encouraging them to go to an AA meeting, and understanding, just understanding. In the beginning, I did the only thing that I knew to do with my A. We talked a little bit about AA, and his Grandmother had gone to AA, but he didn't know very much about it, but was open to going if I went with him. We looked in the phone book, and it didn't seem to be easy to find. We called the number in the phone book and a gruff man said there was a men's stag (whatever that was, it sounded strange) and he must have said another meeting also, because we screwed our courage up and finally went to one, of course, feeling very self-conscious. We bought the big book of AA there and started to read it. I'm not sure if I got the Grapevine magazine there or somewhere else, but that was good to read also. The big book is well written, funny, extremely informative.

I was very lucky that my A was open to going to meetings. He wanted me to go with him to every one, and I enjoyed the meetings also. As an Alanon, I didn't share in the AA meetings, because, listen to this closely, I (and you) can't help an alcoholic get sober. Only other alcoholics can help an A get sober. It's the magic ingredient of AA. No one really knows why this free program works, when so many of the expensive treatments don't, but the speculation is, that it's the "fellowship" of other sober alcoholics that creates the wonderful incredible loving acceptance and magic that somehow inspires an A to come naturally to Step One, realizing that you're powerless over alcohol.

So, I started out going to AA meetings,and I did that with him for about 7 months for six to seven nights a week. There wasn't anything going on in that small town anyway, and I enjoyed it. He made a few stops and starts at sobriety, and lied about it (lying is part of the disease), and then got sober. Eventually, I began attending the once a week Alanon meeting and it felt good to be with "my" people. My A would start a fight or have a tantrum every single Monday night right before my meeting. Hmmm...By the way, even when they get sober, they are still an A, and bad behavior can happen. Everything isn't automatically rosy.

My Alanon meeting had a huge basket of tapes and cd's to borrow, and the Forum magazine, and I borrowed every single one, and listened to AA, Alanon, and Alateen tapes throughout the day. Wonderful resource. There's some tapes to listen to on this website that are really good. A few Alanon ones too.

What started to happen with my A, is that eventually, gradually, he let go of his attachment to me going to every single meeting with him, and slowly, he grew attached to the people in his AA meetings, and slowly and naturally, the switch was made. The "fellowship" happened. I have read and heard that if it happens suddenly, then the spouse isn't ready for it, and is jealous of the A's new connections, and feels left out. Thankfully, I never felt that, but the founder of Alanon felt that way. After 17 years of keeping everything together, now her husband was sober and he didn't need her to be in charge anymore. So, the anger came up, and she realized that there needed to be a support group for the families of alcoholics. AA supports the alcoholic, but who supports the families? That's where Alanon comes in. We need that nurturing and support. We've been through a lot! So, Alanon is your warm bubble bath, your place to shed the constant worrying about what bad behavior is coming next.

So, I hope you keep up with the support and love you have here and find it wherever you can. You can lovingly ask if she'd like to go to an AA meeting with you, and you can buy the big book and the grapevine for your library at home, and enjoy them yourself, but that's about it. At least she'll know where to go for help when she's ready. The people in AA meetings are so welcoming and wonderful to a newcomer. It's heartwarming, and she could feel comfortable there because everyone is just like her, and her story is their story, exactly. So, that's there for her if she is ever ready.

I'll say it again, and I really believe this. The ONLY way you can help her, is to go to Alanon yourself. It helps us stop "reacting" to everything they do. It cuts those reacting cords. It helps us when we have to make a decision like leaving or not leaving, because then, we can make wise decisions, not these reactive decisions that are made when you're caught up in the family disease. Unless you are in danger and need to get out, it's better to put off making a big decision until you have some Alanon time under your belt. Hope this is helpful to you.