The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been around in a day or two, so I must catch up on the latest posts and comment if I feel it necessary.
As most of you know, my A, after 25 years sober, has a slide every now and then, and he was drinking for several days last week. I have a completely different way of handling him...and me...than Al Anon teaches, but I suppose we must do whatever works. I go into a total rage, which does no good because he doesn't remember a thing once he sobers up. But my rage helps me deal with the frustration, resentment, anger, and bitterness that comes over me when he drinks. My rage helps me put into perspective the hurtful things he says because in my heart I know he doesn't mean them. Serenity?? Me??? Ain't gonna happen kiddies!! I am ready for a knock-down, drag-out when he drinks, and he knows it.
I start with, "Hand over the bottle!" Realizing all the time that he can go and get another, but something about having the liquor in my hand gives me power. As a matter of fact, I told him that if he wants to be a drunken slob, I might join him, at which time I took a big slug from the vodka bottle, and nearly keeled over on the spot! Anyway, I took his car keys away, hid the keys to my two cars, and practically chained him to the bedpost. Got him sober and going to AA meetings again. He had become lax in his attendance, which for him is a huge mistake. So, here we are, third day sober and vowing to be a good boy forever. There is some humor in this; the previous statement by him being part of it...
So life with Diva goes on. I have never dealt with problem drinking until I married this genuinely fabulous man 6 years ago. He has never been in trouble with the law, doesn't squander the money or misuse the credit. He doesn't beat me or the dogs. He just drinks! Well, Diva will not have it, and I handle it the best way I know how. Perhaps you see now why I am so opinionated. Around here it's, "You either stop that or I'll break your neck!!" Ok, the detractors from my methods will say I am opening him up for another slip and getting nothing accomplished with my actions. Don't be so sure. There's more than one way to skin a cat...or so I've been told.
Love to all, and special prayers to those in need today, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It may seem like your efforts are working, and I don't want to burst your bubble if it is, there is always the exception to the rule. I guess what bothers me is that it seems like your alcoholic stops temporarily and then drinks again. He's not stopping for himself...he's stopping because you are having a tantrum. If he's not stopping for himself, he's not gonna stay sober and you will continue having the tantrums. What is that gonna do to your self-esteem and your sanity? The alcoholic needs to quit for himself and not because someone bullies him into it.
Again, I applaud your efforts if they really do work, and it's not my place to judge your methods, I just wonder what price you will pay in the future to your relationship with your husband and your sanity. Best wishes, SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
That was wonderful to read!!!! I have been married to my A for 2 and 1/2 years. He was sober for 4 months then decided he didn't like not being "one of the boys". So he tried to convince me that, it was his right and it was just what people in East Texas do! I told him that was "hogwash" (a wonderful TExan saying). He just had to accept the fact that he wasn't like everybody else! I wasn't mean I wasn't in a rage---on the outside--I was fuming inside and totally broken. So while I don't react the same way on the outside--it's nice to know that I am not the only one who would like to just tell my "A" off and just take over and make it work!
Hi Bob and thanks for your input. I did not make myself clear enough. Three slips in 6 1/2 years. So it's not like they are monthly slips. And...please be sure to understand, I am not trying to undermine the teachings of Al Anon. Far from it. AA and AlAnon have saved lives and are both proven to be workable. I use Al Anon tenets myself, and to good avail. I just thought perhaps some of you would like to know how I handle slips. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thanks for your reply. I am well aware of those Texas sayings. We live in San Antonio, which is the city dearest to my heart. Glad you enjoyed my little diatribe, which I hope will bring a smile to some of you. Thanks for taking it in the spirit intended. I think the idea I am trying to put across is, "lighten up." That approach can do wonders. You got it! Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I had to smile when I read your post. As I am in my 40's now I hear more and more of my parents young married life. I never knew my father (who passed away 11 years ago) to be a drinker, I saw him drunk once in my whole life and never saw him have a drink except on Christmas Eve or an occasional (and I mean maybe twice a year) glass of wine at dinner. I never thought this odd until in the past few years as little stories come out from my mother. They were married nearly 49 years, my mother was nearly 40 when she had me, my siblings were 16, 10, and 8 when I was born. The stories I hear are about my mother being pregnant with my sister when they lived in Paris, my mother going and getting my father at the bar. How he would gamble and drink, not remember how he drove home.....UNTIL my mother finally told him that there would be no more.......LOL I have to giggle to think my father was nearly six foot and my mother is barely 5 foot. It worked for them, they loved each other very much...and even as I grew up and moved away, they walked hand in hand, they traveled and they shared.....so sometimes what works for some won't work for others. Do what is right for you and yours.
I think you are really talking about boundaries here--and you have some!! I think that the reason why I have the problems in my marriage after 15+ years is because I never said ENOUGH. because I liked peace and I didn't want to be a b-tch! Diva--I am glad to see that you have more backbone! Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Oh Diva, I loved it!! That's exactly what I did too. I blew up, then felt embarrased that I hadn't used my Alanon skills. Sometimes some things work for some people that don't for others.
He had been sipping on vodka all afternoon, outside. When I realized he was drunk (he hadn't been in all afternoon), I told him that he knew he wasn't to drink anywhere near me, and he wouldn't be allowed in the house. I said he could sleep in the camper. His daughter was here at the time and told him she didn't want to see him drinking around the kids. He came in the house to change his clothes, but I was in the bedroom with the door locked and wouldn't let him in. He got on his bike with his filthy work clothes and took off. He was weaving all the way down the road. His daughter was really worried and asked if we should go after him? I said he's a big boy and we'll just have to 'let go and let God'. He came back a few minutes later and took off again in the car. He went to his cottage as he has done every year but one since we've been together. It's usually a 2 or 3 week binge. I was mad and heartbroken at the same time, but figured this was IT! I think it would have been if he had done like he always had. I was ready to go on with my life without him. Even started a journal titled 'New Beggining'.
My best friend has a cottage near his, and she and her husband both gave him H. He didn't have his wallet with him, so when his drinking buddies didn't get their free beer, they didn't bother with him. He ran out of booze I guess, and sobered up after 2 days. He got my friend to call me to tell me he was sober. I told her I don't want to see him, drunk or sober! It really pissed us off cause I only see her when she's at her cottage once a year and I wouldn't go there. Anyway, I think it was day 6, he came home with his tail between his legs and for the very 1st time told me he'd never do that again. Of course I understand the disease, and know he has best intentions...but then again, he is a very, very determined/stubborn man. You never know. He hadn't been on a binge for over 2 years, and this one wasn't much. I love the d*mn fool so much! When he's sober, our relationship is darn near perfect.
Anyway, thanks again for your post! Not all things work the same way for some people, and I'm so glad you shared this. He absolutely refuses to go to AA, and him being him, I know it wouldn't work for him. He hasn't been activly drinking for about 3 1/2 years, since he punched me when I tried to break up with him. He was told he would never walk again after our accident, and was back to working on a boat 2 years later, so when he sets his mind to something...
I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and thanking my HP that we have come as far as we have. Alanon changed my attitude a lot about how to handle things, and since I have been coming here, things have been getting better and better. As a matter of fact, my coming here is what changed our whole life around. 99% of the time, I follow all the things I have learned, but I guess once every 5 or 6 years I just blow up! I know how you felt, after all the progress you made for so long, you figured you were back at square one, or I did anyway. I think that would make anyone but a saint blow up, and I ain't no saint! Love TLC
I too have grabbed the bottle out of my A's hand. Not an easy thing to do considering I'm 5'1 1/2" (yes, that 1/2" counts for all you tall people out there!) and he's 6'5"! It is empowering in a way.
While you can't skin my cat. She's the other love of my life. When I need you to come kick some you-know-what, you can have first the shot!
Glad you're doing better!
Live strong! Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I too used to scream, yell, name call, punch, throw things--essentially throw tantrums---when he came home drunk. And it worked for a long time---he very rarely got drunk or stayed out late. And there were very long periods between episodes of drinking. He may have had some control over the drinking then. And I may have had some control over what he did.
But the disease has progressed to a point where it seems nothing can stop him. He had a long period of being non functional. He is presently working on sobriety---I've seen quite a few failures the last 6 months, so I don't know what will happen. I once asked him--why do you do this to me and the children? His answer "I'm not doing it to you I'm doing it to me." I know at this point that nothing I say or do will stop him from drinking or stop him from being sober. It's all up to him. That's a hard pill to swallow for a person who likes to control the situation.
But I also like that it's not about me. I used to withhold love and affection because of drinking.
I'd like to say that I don't do that anymore--but I still do sometimes.
I'm glad your approach is working for you and that you are more sanguine. I hope that your iron fist continues to keep him in check.
My husband, too, is swearing that he will stop drinking for me. I really don't believe that he will do it because deep down he really wants to drink, he sees nothing wrong with being drunk, he doesn't believe in alcoholism, he doesn't believe he is an alcoholic, and because I think that eventually the addiction will become a driving force. We are going to see a marriage counselor who has 26 years of specializing in addiction therapy. It is my hope that through the marriage counseling we can address this and work on his other problems.
I'm mentioning this because I thought you might like to think about if this might work for you and your husband.
Hoping all remains well and right with your world.
Well I guess if someone believes this is a healthy way to deal with a disease, then they do.
i am not going to argue. For me, why bother being angry, mean, yelling, at a disease? would a person act this way towards cancer or ms?
they cause symptoms that are a drag too.
For me evil brings evil, yelling is not positive, tantrums are immature, my view only.
I believe we get what we put out. Since I stopped getting into my A's business, things feel so much better. I don't count HIS days sober or his years or whatever, it is not my business, I honestly do not care. I love him period. it is totally up to him if he drinks or does not.
It is totally up to me if I choose to be around him when his A symptoms are more than i can feel comfortable with.
Just keeps hitting me how there is no way i will allow some worthless disease (demon) control ' me making me yell, tantrum, and act in a way i would not want my hp to see me.
Just my thoughts, I like hearing different ideas though, makes ya think.
Debilyn I did not say anywhere in my post that I thought my way was "healthy". But then nor do I think I am evil, nor do I think anything I do is evil. Lighten up. My way might not be your way, but so be it. I didn't bother to read the rest of your post. People with closed minds do nothing for me. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your post reminded me of this sonf by Collin Raye, he is a country artist for those who don't know who he is. He did this song called "Daddy came around to Mama's way of thinking". It was funny.
Sometimes when I lose my temper with my "A", it may not be healthy, but the result is healthy if that makes any sense. After the explosion/ loss of temper I we spend a few moments apart, and then we talk about it, and it turns out well.
We each have our own ways of doing things, and we must take what we like and leave the rest when it comes to shares in alanon.
You made me laugh and think, which are two wonderful gifts. Thank You!
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
