The material presented
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Well I wish I knew what was going on anymore. I feel so sick and miserable when I am home. My stomach hurts and I get totally depressed. When I am out of the house I am sometimes able to pull myself out of this by using the tools I have been learning in Alanon.
I am SO confused as to what I need to do. My gut tells me one thing and I then talk to myself and my HP and sometimes I get conflicting stories. I know there is a part of my A that I really do love but I really dislike him even more. I’ve gotten over the hate because I know he has a disease… but he won’t admit to it and deal with it. He has demanded his son deal with his neurological disorder for many years which only hurt him. So why can’t my A do as he has demanded of others especially when his disease effects so many others? I know I can’t control him so I have given up trying. I think I’m out of hope too.
I keep trying to figure out my next step and I stumble…. And roll down the hill into the well. That’s where I am now… deep deep in a well with no light to see. The rope is frayed so I can’t pull myself out. No-one it near to help me out. I’m stranded ready to die… accepting this fate with no fear for me only my kids. I know I must somehow get out, for my kids sake, but the struggle is weakening me. At times I just want to give up the fight. The nights are especially hard to get through. Time seems endless.
My kids deserve to have a less messed up childhood/young adulthood than I did. But this is not happening. I’m thought I would be able to give them something I did not get…. A non- dysfunctional family. Well no luck with that.
I’m tired and just want to float away…. Please help me.
oh sweetie I tell ya, it kills me when i read the pain you guys are going thru becuz of alcoholism.
i felt as you when my A left and i was living in my barn, in one sun room. no plumbing, but had power and phone and satellite and my life line, the alanon chat room.
i would be in there for hours and would escape to there as if i was really there. it was amazing.
yes i know that horrible butterfly horrible anxiety. hate it. i know the wanting do just die. had all my pills lined up, got into the chat room and they made me put htem away.
it isn't that i wanted to die, i have felt suicidal on and off in my life. too much death and loss and money messes. i finally realized, i did not want to die, that i could not live like I was anymore. it was too painful. So I started looking at options. There are always options.
iI am much more careful with money. i make sure bills are paid first. i don't do credit cards except one that has a tiny credit limit for online buying. I use cash only and just use my checking for bills. i am so dingy I constantly screw up my account so that does not happen anymore.
tThe loss I am learning to work thru it by feeling it. crying when I have to, giving it to hp. knowing nothing is forever and things don't matter. if something breaks just throw it away, don't keep it to fix it. My animals tend to cause some of that...
death is not quite so hard except for the missing them part. I am so totally sure, from really getting into the Bible and watching how the earth is and seeing the miracles.I know it is going to hurt horribly for awhile, but have learned it does get easier.
lThe A stuff is so hard. Especially the trying to decide to leave or stay or get them to go.
For me it has happened so many times that I know the drill. I don't have kids though. When my A did act horrible ONE time with my babies, i kicked him out and got an R order and did not see him for 10 years.
Even now, when he is not here there are times i hurt a lot. but nothing like when I was living with him without alanon.
IIt sounds like you need a rest so very, very badly. Is there anywhere you can go even for a week end or? Do you have family you can go to in a desperate situation?
Would he leave, does he have family he can go to??
IIt is harder for the woman and children to leave. I am talking a respite. it is totally up to you to decide if it is time to leave period. Even if you do that, that does not mean later on you guys cannot see each other. Some A marriages work better with two different homes.
IIf you love each other, you can work thru it and figure out how to make it better.
Or else maybe you will find you want a complete split.
tThere are options. I love animals but it really upsets me there are a million animal sanctuaries but nowhere for women to go to just get away for awhile. the only thing i know of is shelters for battered women. and there are few of them.
Sometimes too, we get so wrapped up in the A's bs, we forget to smile and laugh. We no longer do anything fun. The pain of their illness consumes us. Alanon teaches us to let it go, throw it away to hp.
My A is very sick right now with a cold. I am not running over to baby him or anything. i don't know if he is sick from detox or kicking or virus. makes no difference to me. It is not my problem. i cannot to anything for any of the possibilities.
II just immediately give it to hp. Now tomorrow i am taking him juice and stuff. i choose to. but will not let it drag me in.
For now if i were you, i would keep it totally simple. Stop thinking about it Sanndie.
Totally try this: When you get the bad thoughts, say "STOP!!" outloud or in your head, and put in, everything is ok. everything is ok. i remember saying that over and over and over all day long and for days. All of a sudden it became natural to think everything is ok naturally. i trained my brain that way. something dies, i simply cry and hurt, bury it and tell myself everything is ok.
or when my son was concerned about this weirdo neighbor, i said mac everything will be ok' He priced fencing, i gave him enough to do one side and we are doing a bit at a time. the creep stopped coming over.
Money is just numbers. i do my best to make the numbers work each day. call and make arrangements, one step at a time. if it will be turned off, who cares, when i can get the numbers right I will. i have lived with out tv and phone before. was actually nice.
Living with out A, takes time. But one thing i noticed is they really never go away, or rarely do. If your A loves you, he won't stop and if and when he cleans up he will be there for you more and more. then he may be less and less, but ya learn to accept him as is.
I find in an A marriage it is vital to have ALL your own stuff, All. home, money, care beliefs, goals, dreams. I don't base ANY decision on my A. he is sick, why would i think he can do anything but mess things up?
This way i just love him and not expect. i found out he cannot even be there for me most times i need him.
though this last time i was very very hurt and he finally saw it and i tell ya right now he honestly is giving his all.
I wish I could say come over and bring the kids and rest. I am in oregon, but I bet you are in penn. or n. carolina or mexico!!!
I tell ya i think about keeping my rental for women needing a rest or sanctuary for a week or what ever all the time. i may do that. put up kennels and a cat area so they can bring there animals too.
I know it sounds dumb, but simple things can help you right now. I would read those big Far Side books. They crack me up. i would put away all my alanon and AA stuff and just not think about it for a day or so. I love the movie, " The Big Lebowski" I will watch that over and over and it always cracks me up. Also love Wheres nemo?
comedy movies will take your mind away, you may cry to but it helps.
get comfort food. drink lots of water. if you have to and can, move out of the bedroom make your own space somewhere. i don't know if you have a place in your house or not. I would move into the garage and make a space if getting away would help.
I get me fluffy comforters and soft nightgowns, take warm showers and always put on pretty lotion and powder. I love the scent, white shoulders. just smells like gardenia
I used to say the serenity prayer over and over.
sanndie i know the curling up and just not wanting to move, the not caring about the flowers anymore or the blue sky. Alcoholism robs you honey. You gotta just try a little put one foot literally in front of the other. Do a tiny bit of something to make you feel better.
Keep coming here and go to chat. email us private if you like. i have my home email addy posted. lots of us do. sometimes private email helps.
vent and vent. But mostly look in the mirror and take care of that beautiful lady who is in so much pain.
I feel your pain, as you know I am just in front of you on this rollercoaster. It is so hard to function every day with this disease in your life. The advice Debilyn gave was great.. I will use it for myself too. We are your lifeline and will go get another rope to save you. Dont forget we are right with you.. Together we can get you out of the well. Hang in there and hug your kids, I know that it helps me..
No matter anyone's circumstances we have FREE WILL.
There are ways to solve oor common problems.
There is light up here on earth above the well. And hope.
I have been in the well, down very very deep.
Keep working your program and learning.
Life can be better. In fact, tucked away in a corner of your home is your own rope to pull yourself out of that well. It is being mended from the frays
Keep coming back
megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
(((sandie))) You are not alone...never. Keep coming here...keep going to meetings and surrounding yourself w/the Program and healthy people. You will never be alone.
I read your post and I see myself a year ago at this time. I wanted to die I had to get out of this life. I made my choice to leave. I was going right after x-mass January first a new place for me and my kids. It was that or just let me die. I had no where to go but i though homeless is better than living with an A. Told my A my plan to leave started getting money saved up and looking into shelter and food banks. Maybe Hp was looking out for me because it hit him hard. He took a look at him self and didn't like it. He got sober right after x-mass and i stayed. The man I loved is coming back slowly but back. I Hated, disliked couldn't even look at him when he was drinking. I wish he would die more times than i can count. This site gave me hope made me want to live. Things got better along the way. Don't give up keep coming. Your not alone we have all been their please stay with us it will help.
((((((((((Sandie))))))))))))) I hope this hug helps....I can tell you that when I started letting go and letting God, it was so hard for me...I kept asking myself what is my HP doing? Why isn't my A getting it? Why is he still breaking promises to me and the kids? Then my mother in-law said that if I was letting go and letting God then I have to trust that God knows what he is doing. That has been hard for me, but some of the pain from the dissapointment and hurt is not as hurtful as it use to be. I believe my HP knows what is best for me, I have asked him to take care of my A. I have asked him to help my A realize how much love there is for him not only from me, my children, but his co-workers, his friends, and his family. I am learning to trust that I am not in control, my A will not "hear" what I am saying, only my HP can help. I also have learned to accept that this may happen with us together or not together (that has been the toughest) Hang in there, do something nice just for you today, when you start treating yourself better, you will start feeling better.
You can make a decision just for today and make a different one tomorrow. You can love your A today and not love him tomorrow. And it is ok to love an A! And not love the disease. Keep coming back.
This is the first time I've read your post, so I don't know any background. If you are in a dangerous situation, Alanon doesn't say to stay. I don't know if you are in danger or not. If you are, you must protect yourself and kids. If he does one thing that's illegal, you must report it and press charges, every single time. It's amazing how scared a bully gets when a bigger bully (the courts) starts breathing down his neck. And they have to feel the consequences of their bad behavior every single time. Don't let any bad behavior go, if it has gotten to that point. Report everything and don't back down.
Years before Alanon, I was with a bully. He was an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I know now. He never ever drank and I never did either. But he was the scariest person I have ever known. Yet, he was never charged with anything, but he should have been.
Over time, he had sapped my spirit so much that I had nothing left. I couldn't fight back. He had worn my friendly, happy spirit down so far that I was a just a shell. Eventually, it got really bad, to the point that a prayer came from the deepest part of me to help, get me out of this, I couldn't stand it, I was at the end of my rope. The prayer went directly to the one who hears all prayers, because within a half hour, the bully had threatened my landlord who lived in the house, a big, burly man. The bully owed him money for an airplane flight that had been charged to the landlord's phone number, and after the small bully threatened the landlord, he found himself pinned on the kitchen floor and the landlord ordered him to get out and never come back.
My prayers had been answered that quickly. All the bully's hatred switched from being focused on me to my landlord. My big burly landlord could handle it, no problem. I just sympathized and encouraged the bully to get out soon and be safe and he believed me! He later told me if he ever saw me walking on the street he'd kill me. And he did surprise me while I was taking a nap a few weeks later and I could have easily gotten killed then if I hadn't used all my wits to get out of it. Angels were protecting me then I'm sure. I had asked for help from the bottom of my heart, and it sounds like you are at that point also. So, go ahead. The one who is listening will hear you whatever name you use.
You mentioned that the nights are hard to get through. I'm wondering why. Does he keep you up all night or? And you mentioned fear for your kids. I don't like to tell women to become homeless, because I won't be by your side to share that with you. It's easy to tell someone to "leave him." But if you don't have a place to go, then you are homeless, and it can take years to recover from that. You have access to the internet, you can research your rights, and research resources in your area that will talk with you confidentially and won't phone and leave messages. Make sure they don't. One poster mentioned that she shared the fact that she was planning on leaving her husband, but you know your man, and usually it's much safer to keep that from him. Also, make sure he can't check up on the websites you visited if you do research.
I hope I'm totally off base with this post, and you aren't in any danger at all. Love to you.
You might have rights to be in the house and can get him out.
