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My sober A and I have been separated for a week following a break down in communication generally between us. We have been through a lot over the last year - miscarriage, I lost my job (only bread winner) and suffered from depression. Over the last few months communication between us has become very difficult with my becoming increasingly hurt because he spent no time with me. He always seemed to be some where else, anywhere except at home with me or the kids. I could not see my part - constant angsting about money about the future which was driving him away. We talked, really talked at the weekend with both of us trying to address our own part in the situation and then later on that night he came home, he said for good. Next morning he panicked and left again - and there I was feeling abandonned again! Saw him briefly today at his instigation and he wants to talk tomorrow, looks like he wants to sort things out but I am so scared. Scared of being left again, scared of constantly living with the feeling that he's going to walk out whenever the going gets tough and it will because that is life.
I am trying to work my programme and let go and let god etc but it is very hard. So many mixed feelings - fear, anger, loneliness and love for him all wrapped up together. I know I can't run his life for him but I also need to look after myself. Before he got sober I told him I could not live with active alchoholism and had to gently but firmly reinforce that message when he turned up drunk. Now I feel live I need to say to him that being 'dry' is not enough, to make a go of it I need him to be working his programme as I will try and work mine, but then I feel that is trying to run his life. How do we keep this balance between allowing our As the dignity of managing their own recovery while we do ours whilst also keeping ourself safe from emotional damage???? Any bright ideas?
Veronica, There is no simple way. It's just trusting in HP and doing the program as best you can . One thing I noticed with my A. When I quit seeming needy, he started to look at himself. Even on days that I am not strong, I appear/pretend to be. I let him know that I will be OK with or without him. When he feels that I need him, he acts like I can be tread on and does what he wants. I don't think there is anything wrong with you expressing your feelings that sober is not enough for you. I would leave out the program part. That will have to be his choice.
Abbyal said something the other day..."Sober and recovering are two diffent things". I did use that line when my A and I were having a talk. I didn't tell him what to do, just put it out there so it would be food for thought..
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
There is no easy answer, or quick fix. I wish there was! The best I can mention, and it has worked for me, is to detach with love. I am responsible for me, and my "A" is responsible for himself. I do hold him accountable on his responsibilities, but I do not judge, and as hard as it is, I do not have any expectations on him.
My "A" is currently very active in his disease. ANd as difficult as it is to accept, I must accept that he is where he needs to be right now. I work my program, I know this is the best thing for me, and in turn the best thing for him. My "A" knows recovery, he has been there. I know that me working my program, living the steps, and detaching from him, does way more than my nagging ever did.
Please pray. Only you and your HP know what is best for you. The path I have chosen for me, is my path, your path may be the same as mine, but it can differ. Only you and your HP know your path.
Remember we are here for you. Attend the meetings that you can.
Keep Coming back.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Thanks for your post. It IS hard. Maybe the crisis with your own job, depression will help you focus on yourself. Though I know that has its own problems.
I think a crisis is when the "day at a time" approach really, really becomes vital.
Thank you so much for all your support, this board and chat line have been like a life saver for me over the last 24 hrs! A place of my own, to concentrate on what I need to do to do to be the best person I can be.
Am really trying to take things a day at a time and to really own how I'm feeling rather than spending my time going round in circles about my A. I have been able to tell him I love him but that just for today I can't make any decisions (he now wants to come back). I feel I need to know he is for real. I don't know if this counts as having expectations or not but for me I can't live on a constant merry ground of is he going or is he staying. And that feels good to know that even if it means I end up being by myself. Although writing that feels very painful. But those are my issues which I have to deal with and will have to whether he returns home or not. I am trying not to force any solutions (old habbits die hard) and to put it in the hands of my hp. We are meeting in an hours time to talk - I am just going to offer it up.
being 'dry' is not enough, to make a go of it I need him to be working his programme as I will try and work mine, but then I feel that is trying to run his life. How do we keep this balance between allowing our As the dignity of managing their own recovery while we do ours whilst also keeping ourself safe from emotional damage????
WOW! That is exactly how I feel in my situation here!!! Being sober is so much more than just putting down the bottle. Finding the balance is difficult for me. Sometimes I feel that I am working my Program and moving on w/out my A, and that saddens me sometimes. Sometimes I am strong and know I need to do what I need to do, and then sometimes I get sad and lonely and want to grab his hand and drag him along w/me!
I married a man that was VERY strong in AA for many years. It was a relationship of my dreams. We had a foundation that seemed to be rock solid at the time. That lasted about 3 yrs after we got married and then things changed. We've lived the life of two people working a Program and I won't settle for less than that now w/him. BUT I do realize that it is his choice if he wants to live that life again. My choice is to continue working my Program and trust in my HP to guide me where I/we are suppose to be.
As far as "balance"...man, I am still trying to figure that out. I have heard that if you both work your Programs that the relationship will fall into place, second nature sorta speak. So far, that is all I have to go on! So I am trusting in the experience of otheres and of my HP that what will be will be. I can only do my part.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. This seems to be a process not an end to a means. You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders but it is up to the A and his higher power to recover.
My husband moved out after 31 years or more of leaving mentally and physically in one form or another. I jump every time he does it or threatens to do it. It is part of his way of staying balanced but he does not take in the consequences of his behavior.
It think it is about boundaries too. To protect yourself from these episodes. Take care.
