ok, you all, i am doing this share and i am astounded what this program has done for me.....i mean i read this share and thought  "wow!!!  i am only focusing on me/ love/ healing/ good things--- and NONE of the negative"  so here goes,  i will type as my heart dictates

Hope for Today - September 19

    Growing up in an alcoholic family, I did not escape
without experiencing various forms of
mistreatment, including sexual abuse.  By the time I
came into Al-Anon, I felt like a victim and I had
become an extremely angry, resentful person.
   

######ROSIE....i was burried in hate....and yes, i went the **gamut* of abuse from both parents, particulary my sperm donar .....i too, suffered the **ultimate* in betrayal-- sex abuse.....so i entered this program **full* of hate and talk about rage???  i could actually see my **blue/ ice blue* rage..it was the kind that would  *burn you*  when you touched it.....and i was covered in resentment too,   i guess i had had the expectatations of a child that  *mommy and daddy would protect and love me*   well as much as i deserved it...as much as God wanted it to be that way---- it didn't happen!!  my expectations  for love/protection/nurturing were denied me....so the rage and resentment not just at them,  but at God!!  at ME!!  at Life!!!  i carried that *victim mentality*  for decades until i got into this program......it literally saved my life!!!

 Whenever the subject of forgiveness came up at
our meetings or in our literature, I shut it out.  I
thought resentment would prevent me from ever
being hurt again.  It took some time in the program,
and a lot of work learning to love myself, before I
began to understand that living my life under the
heavy burdens of rage and resentment was hurting
me. 

#####ROSIE...oh when the subject was offered to me???? i reacted with horror and revulsion!!! and  with more anger/resentment!!  how **dare* they expect me to forgive this evil????  i too,  shut it out....refused to see that it was not for the abusers,,  but for me!!!!!  and i truly believe that my anger was only **one* of my protection walls that i had built around me to protect me...to keep the abusers out!!!! in my sick mind,  everyone was a threat!!! that included God  (my needing to control everything--unwillingness to turn over my cares) ---  it also included Life  (thinking that this was the most horrible / hostile place to live in-- be on my guard for the next disaster/threat/attack)   it was horrible,  i had no safe place to go , growing up,  and i perpetuated that  **no safe place to go* thinking in my head when i grew up!! ........NOW, with doing my  self love tapes and cd's i have  opened up my mind and my heart for a  new  **perspective*  on me/ on God/ on Life.....and it was then that i realized that the  hate/resentment i carried was hurting me/ my body/ mind/emotions.....i suffered  IBS real bad!!!  i was in discomfort all the time with it...it got to the point where i could only drink smoothies, my bowel was so  **gripped* in anger/hate.....i had anxiety attacks all the time!!!    funny!!!  when i decided to let go the hate/resentment   within  **one month*  my IBS was gone!!!  i can eat anything i want now so long as i have enough fibre and water......my anxiety problems are WAY reduced...i go **days* without needing my meds.....and that was only because i **decided* to  give up the hate/resentment!!!  the universe was able to work through me now

It affected every relationship I had, including
work contacts, friends, family, and social
acquaintances. 

3######ROSIE....well it screwed up my  **boy-girl* relationships for sure!! i feared and suspected everyone....i feared people would betray me...feared being vulnerable to anyone....i didn't let ANYone in....i had not many friends because of my  hate/anger/fear....family relationships, i know i harmed....social acquaintences?? people  kinda stayed away from me because of the  walls of  anger/hate i had around me.....there was  6' of barb wire around my heart and inside of it was cement walls.....noone was gonna F*** me over ever again!!!!!  but sadly,  i locked out the good ones too.....i wouldn't see that till much later

I knew it was likely to color future
connections as well, yet many of the people I
resented weren't even alive.  I surely wasn't hurting
them!  However, in my vehement determination to no
longer be a victim, I held the hostility that
perpetuated my pain.
   

#######ROSIE....for me too,   most of the people on my **most hated* list were dead,  or gone from my life in another way!!!   and the sperm donar who brought me here wasn't sorry when he died,  so you know he is not sorry now!!! so  who was my hate/resentment hurting????  me!!!! i was keeping the *victim mode* going with my  own hate/resentment.....but it would take  **months and months* of sharing my pain here on group to reach what i call the **post flood* stage where i was down to the  *muddy basin*  of me  and then and only then could the sun shine on me and dry up that  icky/ slimy pit of hate and resentment and  hostility that kept my pain going on.....i was hurting only me...noone else!!!   i thought it was protecting me from being a victim ever again!! but like i said, i was shutting out the  safe people too!!!    now??? i trust myself enough to  be willing to  *climb the ladder of trust*   i start on the first rung,  talking about weather or sports, and if i feel safe, i go to rung  two and so on  **always* with the understanding that i can  **slide right back down that ladder*  if the person proves to be unsafe......with this new trust i have in me/ my choices,  i can  with discernment  **let others in my life--- slowly---one step at a time*

 Once I realized this, I experienced a spiritual
awakening in the form of a deep desire to let go of
those feelings that were poisoning my life. 

#######ROSIE....oh when i realized that i was only hurting me and  **worse*  allowing him to keep winning,  to keep abusing me from his hell,  it broke my heart!!! it was like he was still cursing my life from hell!!!   well that was gonna stop!!!!   now!!!!   so i called my sponser,  i felt **ready* in my heart to go to the next step--- she told me  *rosie,  get yourself a tape casette player/recorder adn make you a tape--- your voice--your words of love for you---and do it over and over and over again---it is now time for you to REprogram your sub conscious mind to the truth--the self love that God had meant for you to have*........well i got out my cassette  player and i began to make my  **recording*---  it made me want to gag at first...telling myself all this  *i love me  i accept me  i love me just the way i am*  stuff.....the thought of loving me, made me want to gag!! but i did it!!  i **made* myself do it and i play the thing  day and night, **all* times when i am alone!!!!  i go to sleep with that in the background.......and slowly,   very slowly, on a daily basis,  i noticed things!!!!   i was  not so angry--- not so full of hate/resentment---i was wanting to take better care of me---- i was eating better---got rid of my junk food----i went to a hair stylist a  **real*  one, and got my hair styled.....i can cut hair and i am not too bad,  but this guy was a real stylist......i began dressing better.....i even went to wall mart and got  all kinds of  new  **undies*  that look GOOD on me....not the old , worn out crap i was wearing....i was doing stuff to please ME!!!!!!   taking care of myself more and more  and get this!!!!!   i began noticing in my tennis practices that when i would screw up a shot , instead of cursing me and berating me and hitting myself with my racquet,  i would say  *ok, rosie lets slow it down,  and get back to basics*   and sure enough i would find out  **why* my serve was going long  etc....and when i would do a nice big   **ace serve up the tee*  i would say  " good girl-- you can do it"    all these things,  changes in my attitude about me,  changes in my  perspective about me/ God/ Life,  began to seep in.....the old patterns of  self hate---self abuse are going away!!!!!   i used to abuse me so bad,  i had bruises!!!  and would have to lie to people how i got that  bruise on  my forehead or something!!!  i have  NO desire to hurt me anymore!!!!   i now want to love me and be my best friend!!!!   i am finally learning to love me!!!!! to treat me like a human instead of a punching bag!!!!  its wonderful---  i don't want to die anymore!!!  i want to live and live abundently!!!!!!  i am comming out of my former darkness into the light.....walkiing out of the dungeon into  the  **green pastures and still waters*   my eyes, blinked/ squinted at first being exposed to the light,  but now i am wide eyed and  ready to claim my own litte  **spot*  on this universe!!!! 

 I
accomplished this by going to extra Al-Anon
meetings, praying, sharing with my sponsor, and
working Steps Four through Nine.  Thanks to Al-
Anon, I gave up my bitterness and regained my life.

#####ROSIE....90 meetings in 90 days--- literally.....sharing on group---sponser---prayng----and doing ALL the program has to offer--- steps/ literature/ slogans/  ALL of it......and yes,  i DECIDED to give UP  the hate/resentment/betterness--- like a snake shedding its skin,  i leave it behind me now

Thought for the Day
    Today I see forgiveness as an action I take to
love myself more fully.

#######ROSIE...for me forgiveness can be   forgiving the person with  **firm boundaries*  or  taking my hands off and allowing God's hands on as i  walk away from them and leave them behind me--- i trust in karma now,  i trust that God will get exact justice for each offense we all do---  now i can say   **God bless *  and give  him/her over to karma  and be done with them......

"No one ever found serenity through hatred."
*How Al-Anon Works for Families
& Friends of Alcoholics*, p. 86

######ROSIE....AMEN!!!!!   let karma take care of them....i am TOOOO busy now,  with my new found and exciting love for me/  my acceptance of my **Christ within*  and my new found friend with   **this thing called life*.....thank you   DONE!!!