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I am in-love with my A...as most of you are. I'm trying to live my own life, not paying attention to his disease....taking one day at a time...staying in therapy. But everyday, I face the challenge of feeling hope for his recovery instead of focusing on mine. I don't have to be with this man. I choose to be. We aren't married, and don't live together, officially. I've broken it off several times over the 6 years we've been together and somedays I feel I may stay with him forever and accept the fact that he has a disease that will never get better...or not. I know it's my choice. For my birthday this weekend, he was terrific. He even got cards for my kids to give me. But the weekend before he was bombed. This rollercoaster can be frustrating even maddening. Trying not to enable him or let him to infiltrate my peace is a constant goal for me. I know I don't have to stay with him. I tell myself this every day. I think that is why we are still together. And I think we are still together because I'm learning to accept not obsess over his disease. I keep thinking about the 3 C's.
Last year he did 30 days of rehab....after 1 month at home...he slipped back into his habit. Now he feels he wants to seek counseling...but not go to rehab. Well I know what he is saying..." I want help...but I still want to drink". Hahaha. So I just say "Great. Get some counseling." Who knows? I told him this weekend, while things were beautiful, his life is between he and his HP...I'm not going to get in the way. However, today, he asked me to have my therapist make a recommendation for a counselor for him. So I called her and she gave me some names. I plan to give him the names and that's it. I feel like I'm enabling him in some respects by participating at all...but there's that "hopefullness" that has always gotten me in trouble. That need to help him. I realize the best thing for him is if I let him get so bad that he does it all on his own. But I just took the cue, and went for it. He may never make the call. I know that.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to write down my thoughts and am hoping to hear some words of wisdom from this blessed sight.
From what I understand if he asked you to go pick up a 6-pack and you did, you'd be enabling. He has asked for the name of a counselor, and you are going to give it to him and leave it at that, knowing full well he may never call, I don't feel is enabling his habit.
My a said the same thing to me, "I like to drink, why should I stop?".
As for not paying attention to his disease, it's pretty hard not to, no matter how hard we try because it keeps rearing its ugly head. Like you said, it's a rollercoaster ride. Keep focused on you.
i agree with bonnie....**keep takin care of you* when i go tinto this program, i swore off relationships till i could get a **relationship with me* now??? as i do this??? i don't want to bother with *A's * and their problems ...its just too much for me.....i have **been there--done that* and now??? i wold rather just stay with me, i love the peace!!!! no relationship is perfect, but i get out my **list for whats good/bad about a mate* and i think...." God please give me the strength to resiste temptation that is not healthy for me".....i totally understand your pain/ frustration.....i am also glad you are working the program....peace/ rosie
Kicky, Having hope is just fine. There is always hope. It's when you have expectations that you end up hurt. It sounds to me that you are on the right path :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You sound like you are doing great! Very focused and strong. I do not think that getting some names for him is enabling him at all. It is something you would do for anyone who wanted your help, right? And you are very rational in the thought that he may never use them. You sound like you are working the program well. Thanks for posting.
Yes the rollercoaster ride, what a ride it is. I hate rollercoasters, never thought about it before till just now.
From what I read you are working your program. Practicing Let Go and Let God, I heard detachment in your message.
I am with my "A" because of the hope, the hope that he will find recovery again. If it was not for that hope, I really don't think I would be with him. I do not focus on that hope, I do not obsess in it, but I think it is okay to have that hope.
Keep Coming Back,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I totally agree with everyone about the issue of hope. I think hope is what gets us all through these hard days. If we have faith in our HP and hope that we can be brought to a better place at some point in our life journey, maybe the same can happen for the A's in our life. Just the fact that u r questioning whether or not it is enabling or advise giving--shows the progress you are making in understanding issues of those affected by alcohol. Keep up the good work!
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Hi there.... your post hits on a lot of the same things we all struggle with.... where is that fine line of being "helpful and interesed" vs. "enabling or codependant"?
I don't have the answers, but if my story is any indication, the alcoholics have to "own their own recovery". My wife had drank for many years, and it had gotten progressively worse. She had reached the point where she could no longer drink socially, but rather was drinking in the privacy of our home, often first thing in the morning, etc... I begged, yelled, pleaded, manipulated, cried, etc - her into a 28-day treatment center. Of course she avoided it for many months, but I persevered, and she FINALLY agreed to go. Well, I couldn't have been happier, and I quickly called the counselling service that she/we had been attending (who needed to make the contact), then I set up the appointment, and I made all the arrangements. I remember being sooooooooo happy and relieved, and feeling like all the weight of the world was finally coming off my shoulders, and that she was finally gonna get sober. I had been praying for her to get to treatment, and the time had finally arrived!! Well, she went to the 28-day treatment, worked it as hard as she could at the time, announced herself sober, and went to meetings..... for a few days.... Eleven days later, she was drinking again, and "mocking" me for being such a pansy about reading our 'relapse plan', and telling me what a loser I was. I was completely devastated, and lost a lot of my hope (but also gave up my will), at that time. The next six months were pure hell, and the drinking had never been worse. Suddenly, relatively "out of the blue", SHE decided that she wanted to get sober. She asked me for the number of the (longer term) treatment center - which I gave her - then SHE made the phone call, and then SHE asked me if I would drive her down there.... That was 3.5 years ago, and she has not had a drink since....
The main difference, as I reflect back, is that the first time I basically "wore her down", and she went to get sober for me, for the kids, or just because it was the 'right thing to do'. The second, and hopefully final, time, was when she went to get sober for herself, and to save her life.
Take care of yourself, and work your own program of recovery. Hopefully he will follow suit, but that is outside of your control and influence.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
When my daughter was drinking, I interfered as much as time would allow. Phoned her friends, went round to places she might be, (she always managed to evade me!). Drove myself nuts. I had no program then, so, when she did emerge from the binges, it was a screaming match. I am never going back there.
Eventually, she admitted she could not stop drinking, and I said, then go to AA. Get me the number, she replied. Well, I was at end of my tether, would not repeat what I said (ashamed, now), but refused to help.
She disappeared, again, at my wits end, then turned up, looking like death. She had been to AA, and had stopped drinking.
I was so ignorant, took care of her, like my little girl, through the shakes, the freezing cold, flu like symptoms. I know now, we should have had medical help, she could have died. Thankfully, she survived, and has been 5 years sober, but, no matter what, am never going there again. I hope with all my heart she never has a relapse, but, if she does, she will have to get outside help.
I have no advice to give, I refused help, not from a program, but because I was worn out with it all. She hit her rock bottom, and got help. Could have turned out differently.
Wish you luck, whatever you decide to do, but, remember, Alanon is for you.... keep coming back
