The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
we admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
#######ROSIE....i had to accept that LIFE was unmanageable in most respects...not just relationships, but LIFE
Do I accept that I cannot control another person's behavior?
######ROSIE....at first i did not accept it....but i got a very valuable lesson with a family i met through this program..a fellow *groupie* in the 12 steps....we "adopted" each other and i was too sick/ too messed up/too **new* in recovery to notice that her actions were **never gonna match her flowery words* all the beautiful **bullshit* promises that never were honoured...she had so many **forks in her tongue* you could grade cheese with it..---it made me want to puke!! but i **stuck with her* thinking it would change...it never did, so when i became **fully* aware that bulls****ers are just that....than came acceptance....than came my leaving!!! i am grateful for the lesson i learned and that was **love and approval and acceptance* have to come from within me, not from without...i also learned to listen to my inner child, "mrs. dee dee" who saw this from the beginning and acted out because she **knew* this was all total BS and for me to leave them....i made amends with her, because she was **on to it* from the beginning.....i have learned that if i don't like someone now, i most likely won't like them tomorow because the only thing i can change is me!!!! i am sooo grateful because that family taught me to A--listen to my *inner*......B--i can only change me.....C--just because someone is in recovery that does not mean they are safe....D--and all people in our lives are here to show us something!! and if we are taking care of ourselves, that **something* will always be positive....whether or not they are in my life for **life* they , IF i keep my mind open, have something to teach me!!!!
How do I recognize that others are individuals with habits, characteristics andways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
#####ROSIE...i see us as all **individual* gems in the great **crown of the universe* we are all jewels in the creator's crown, and like snowflakes....no two of us are the same.....and i think that is SOOO cool i mean who wants to go out for ice cream and find nothing but vanilla????? YUK!!!
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
######ROSIE....none of it worked!!! or if i did manage to **make someone see the light* they ended up resenting me or they want back to their old ways....i have had to make amends to this effect....but bottom line???? it does not work!!! and besides...i would be pretty leary of someone who **sold out to me* just to keep me...i used to do that...if the guy i was dating was republican, than i was republican, and so on...i had no sense of identity so i just became whatever that person wanted out of my **morbid* fear of abandonment....now???? what you see is what you get!!! love me or leave me, but you will love/leave the REAL me!!! i am perfectly imperfect same as my fellows and i don't want to change anyone....the slogan **live and let live* means a lot to me.....
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better toget my needs met?
######ROSIE....for me it was manipulation and temper tantrums..witholding my love/affection for someone to *get what i wanted*....now??? i just tell them up front...."hey i need ........" and if they can help me with it??? great...if not???? i go elsewhere if it is something i need outside help on.....if i repeatedly don't get my needs met in a relationship???? i get **rid* of it....why keep someone who is never there for me, or never meets any of my needs???? i did some **spring cleaning* of my life these past couple of months....setting boundaries with the folks i want to keep...getting rid of the ones i don't want to keep.....keeping it simple and being honest about my needs/wants....but the bottom line is me and my higher power are the bottom line for my needs being met....yes, i want my close relations to be **there for me most of the time* but i know even the best of relationships cannot meet my needs/wants **all* the time--- i must and do rely on me and my higher power and i have other resources if someone close to me just cannot help me at this time......
How do I feel when others refuse to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
#####ROSIE...well it depends on **what* they are refusing...i don't expect *yes* answers all the time from my close others, no way!! that would be horribly unfair...however when one **refuses* to be honest with me.....**refuses* to honour their promises to me....**refuses* to be there for me most of the time???? than guess what???? i confront them with it... i allow my feelings of anger/ disappointment than i accept it!!!! than i take right action to take care of me....and a relationship like that??? i need like i need a case of poison ivey!!!!
What would happen if I stopped trying to change others?
####ROSIE....i can throw away my *milanta* and buy beer by the 6 pack rather than the case!!
How can I let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them?
######ROSIE.....by listening with **loving* detachment!! detachment is the key word for me....i want to help others find their own solutions, but i see where in the past i was an enabler rather than supportive friend!! i must and i do allow my loved ones to **write their own life song* ..i no longer desire to interfer in their **song* it is not my right to interfer....
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
#######ROSIE...well i learned there is no **quicky* recovery which is what i originally had sought after....i think meaningful stuff takes time and effort!!! i turned off the timer on my recovery!!! its *go with the flow* and **one day at a time* now
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
#####ROSIE...now??? there is none, thank God!!! but in the past??? maybe my X b.f. or my X husbands...i felt like their problems were mine to fix....
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior?
######ROSIE....i have a cousin whom i love dearly!!! and she has an **anoying* habit of expelling gas ANYwhere she is....one day we were shopping for software and we were in the isle looking over the accounting software and there was a guy there who was absolutely **georgous* i mean he was *edible*!!! tall, dark hair with steaks of grey at the temples and a body that would not quit--about *50ish*!! .... and he was giving me the *approving eye*.....as i relished in this, my dear cousin **let one*..and it was a noisy one to boot!!! .....i could feel the heat of embarrassment and shame creep from my toes all the way to my head..i know my face looked like i was having the **hot flash of the century* ...and i was furious!! her timing was disastrous!!! so to *get even* and to **pass the guilt on to her* i just looked at her and said "XXXX did you kill that spider you stepped on???" well she got so mad at my *narcing her out* she glared at me as i walked out the door, got in my truck and believe me!!! i wanted to crawl under the damned thing!!!!! needless to say we did not speak on the ride home.....mr. beautiful??? don't know what he did, i was too ashamed to even look at him when i did my **exit thing* i just wanted to get the hell out of there
What brought me to Coda? What did I hope to gain at the that time? How have my expectations changed?
######ROSIE....the list is too long, but to give the **quick and dirty version???* i was totally unable to manage my life...it was one disaster after another because of my emotional and mental injuries from my childhood....i was a case!!!! it was do this...make it work...or jump off the biggest/ tallest bridge i could find!!!! i hoped to and i did gain SANITY!!! my expectations are **one day at a time* and this works if i work it....this wonderful program gives me what i give it....i work it 2 to 6 hours per day..i will do this until i no longer feel i have to put in so much time, but you can bet your socks i am in it for life!!!!!! i am better and better each day!!!!
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health My children give examples
######ROSIE...my sister kay was scared to death of losing me to suicide....my other sister jane , the quiet one, worried in silence!!! she would ask other family memebers "have you heard from rosie?? what is she doing???" i think she was afraid to broach the subject with me out of fear she might **set me off* and i might *lose it* and be gone forever!! kay, on the otherhand, would call me each day and nag me to get some help...she is more like me its *buns to the wall go for it* type of approach ..."please get help!! i don't want to lose you!!!" she would beg!!! those poor gals knew i was walking on the edge of a cliff!!! i found out later how much jane prayed for me in church and gets the whole church to pray for me....i am glad i am in recovery, because with jane battling cancer, she doesn't need to be worrying about what *baby sis* is gonna do!!! kay, thank God, is healthy and strong , but jane, God bless her, had a battle royal with cancer...so far, she is doing ok!!!
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
#####ROSIE..i feel like i am not grounded...like i am beginning to spin and get the **coda crazies* where i am **scrambling* in my thoughts/ my emotions....its time to get to a meet/ or call sponser when that happens
How hve I sought approval and affirmation from others?
3######ROSIE...by selling out my own soul/ my own identity/ my own sense of **who/ what* i was...i had to make **big time* amends to my inner child and me for *abandoning* us JUST to get love/acceptance/approval
Do I say "yes" when I want to say "no"? What happens to my ability to manage mylife when I do this?
######ROSIE....nope and *NO* is a one word sentence if i want it to be....i feel good when i take care of me/ my boundaries...this is a real **case to case* question...i mean if i am wanting to watch tv/play tennis and one of my family members has a righteous need and its super important, i am gonna do what i can do....even if i don't feel like it...but for trivial stuff??? lets put it this way!! if *NO* is really appropriate, **no problem*!!!!
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
#######ROSIE....used to till i got into recovery
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems?Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crises?
#######ROSIE...used to be "uh oh, whats life setting me up for this time???" now it is "oh cool!! the program works"....and as far as crises goes???? i do NOT feel more alive..used to , but now??? i crave my peace/ serenity and i work the program to maintain it..i tore up my **drama queen* card and burned it!!! ..
How well do I take care of myself?
#######ROSIE...my physical needs with good hygeine, and proper nutrition/excercise....mental i take care of by keeping my mind aware, reading, stimulating my mind with positive stuff....the spirit/emotional needs, i take care of by REprogramming my mind off the crap my abuser fed me with and on to the good/ true things about me...i play my cd's and tapes that i made in my own voice each day telling myself that i love and accept me **just the way i am* and i do it over and over and it is working!!! i am less angry, less cynical, and i love me and take care of me *way* better
How do I feel when I am alone?
######ROSIE....ok, i kinda like my company!!! at least ** i and me* are on the same page all the time!!! not likely to have any arguments!!! sometimes i get a bit lonely, and when i do, i call a loved one or go to the courts, or go to my friend's house, i don't *stuff* the feelings of craving human contact!!! i reach out for it
What is the difference between pity and love?
#####ROSIE...to me, pity is wanting to *fix* the person, with no regards to what is thier *life song* love???? love is----*honestly/ openess/ allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable with each other/ mutual respect for boundaries/ mutual nurturing of the relationships **as we keep our individualness* mutual support for one another....i know when someone loves me by **how much they are there for me--- do their actions match their words----and do they make me feel GOOD about being me*
Am I attracted to unhealty people and other people who mseem to need me to fixthem? How have I tried to fix them?
#####ROSIE...oh used to be???i went looking for the **fixer uppers* thats ok if you are a realtor but not for relationships.....i think the **non keepers* can sense i am not going to absorb their karma, so they basically *don't go there*
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
########ROSIE.....now?? yes!!! i listen to my feelings....and a lot of times, i will just lie in bed at night or morning before work and **ask my inner child* "hey whats up??? how are you feeling???" and i listen----- if i feel tired, i know to *lighten my load and take care of me* if i am hungry i make something good to eat......if i am feeling playful, being alone, i have to be creative, but the dogs love it!!!! i play with my 4 footed **kids* whatever my feelings are!! i allow them and if they are there because of another person, i share!!!!!
thank you, done.......WHEW!! this was long.......but very enlightening!!!!! rosie
