chrissy hon, you have ALL the strength to survive, but sometimes with it comes making difficult and painful choices to get where you need to be in your life that is healthy for you.  I know because I've been through EXACTLY what you have just written.  I used to write checks for bills after my X would deposit his paycheck and then even knowing I paid all the bills, he go and take the money out of the account and go out for weekends at a time.  My children would be without food and our electric would be shut off.  Checks would bounce and I didn't work so couldn't take care of it.  It did take me 12 years though to finally learn that I deserved to be treated better and loved with respect....   Until then, I never felt that I was worthy of that (but it was subconscious)  Because of what I was taught as a child in such an emotionally unhealthy family.  Who was I to deserve respect, kindness, compassion?  Furthermore, they were my family so of course they loved me, right?  Well, interestingly enough, that kind of love finally occured to me was deceptive and false and the ONLY one that had control over living my life was me.   Deceptive and false in a way that even my family was not aware of how unhealthy they were though.  As painful and difficult as it was not only did I have to accept the fact that I NEEDED for mine and my childrens survival to move on from this abusive, unhealthy relationship, but I had to take a look at WHY I continued to live in this unhealthy relationship.  Of course, it was a result of what I learned was normal, which is so far from the truth.  The most difficult part though I believe through all of this is not only did I have to leave this unhealthy relationship with my ex-husband, but I had to see all the people that I had been around my entire life (mainly family) treating me with the same disrespect, lack of compassion and/or selfishness and distance myself from them until I learned how to detach as we put it here.  It was no wonder I've chosen the same types of relationships. 

When I did this, I made strives in new directions for me though-- I forced myself to meet healthier people at the jobs I've held and even started going to church for the first time.  At first it was so awkward-- GOOD WAS AWKWARD because I had NEVER known normal, healthy relationships.  It did take me about 4 years to get used to this change though and many of my old behaviors and thoughts would be so much more clearer to how unhealthy they were once i was around this new group of people and in turn, I was able to learn from the new influences in  my life. 

Hang in there and stay focused on YOU---  You are here because God has a plan for YOU and t is through our most troublesome trials and tribulations God wants us so desparately to call out to Him, give him your tears, pain and heart and you will receive a peace you've NEVER experienced before despite the chaos in your life-- TRUST ME, I'm living proof of it.  (A once non-believer of 28 years)  Coincidentally, it was the 28 years my life was like a roller coaster with no foundation.  I'll choose God anyday over this chaos that's for sure and hopefully, I can help others because of experiencing the same pain most have experienced here and continue to experience by example of my relationship and strength that comes from ONLY God.  Nothing or Nobody will do. 

HUGGGGGSSS

 

 

-- Edited by sanddie at 00:29, 2005-09-17

Chrissy,

I reported our visa check card/atm card stolen when my A did that.  I've never given it back.  We have to protect our money--sad as it is.  They cannot be trusted.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  You are strong.

mom to 2

Yes, Chrissy, part of your answer here is to establish accounts in your name only to which you alone have access. I have closed charge accounts; keep my own American Express and one Visa. He has no cards for those two accounts. He has one Visa that I do not use. It's in his name. My A has never demonstrated that he would clean out our funds, but one can never be too careful. Hence I have my own savings and checking accounts as well.

I remember a year ago when my A went on a three-day binge. I had no idea whether he was dead or alive or where he was. He stumbled in three days later, still drunk, very sick, and it took another three or four days to get the alcohol out of his system. He had done nothing but check into a motel, supply himself with vodka and DRINK!!! I am sure your A will turn up. Try not to waste your time searching for him. It's the getting through the experience that is so hard. Hang in there, keep your HP close. I feel your pain and my prayers and positive thoughts are with you.

Diva